I just got the latest Thomas Kinkade painting. It's called "The Rapper's Bitches" and I love the way the light seems to shine from the gold teeth and the bling.I think the saying should go, "It's all fun and games until someone *finds* an eye," especially if you find it in your own vomit.You might think it irresponsible of me to drink with a shot of rum in one hand and a beer in the other, but relax -- I've got my good knee on the wheel.I used to impale the heads of door-to-door sales people on pikes in the garden as a warning to others -- until I learned that it's bad feng shui.The one really important thing to remember about juggling meat cleavers is that if you get a funny feeling you're suddenly juggling more things than you started off with, it's time to start counting fingers.
Sometimes I wonder....what if I get reincarnated as a goat and I don't find goats attractive anymore?Anyone who finds this and this (and, of course this ) amusing.Oh - andI want you to talk nerdy to me.Well, not YOU per se - it really has to be that special kind of nerd - the one who was ridiculed throughout high school for his love of Heinlein and his penchant for obscure bands with ridiculous names and his inability to properly match socks with pants with shirt. I'm talking about the guys who could really care less if everyone likes their hair but spend hours and hours watching movies that they can later quote back in detail. I love guys that have gotten to a point where they've given up on fitting in and have completely embraced their dorkage and celebrated their nerditude. These are my heroes.Of course there is a definite distinction between the categories of social misfits. Nerds are smart, but perhaps don't fully understand the more subtle nuances of human interaction.Geeks like shiny toys - preferably silver, expensive and laced with acronyms. These types would rather compare palm pilots than sleep. These are also a favorite of mine, although it takes a woman with a strong will to reign in the geek's tendency to over-shop for new toys. Geeks usually have no money. They've spent it all at Best Buy.The unacceptable kinds of misfits are the wussies, dweebs and the retards. If you're too scared to embrace who you are you need to take a step back, re-examine your life and call me when you've chosen a categories. Dweebs will always be just a little too irritating for my taste, and there is a level of fashion sense I will not date below. A girl must have standards. Retards and all other forms of moron, cretin and imbecile will never, ever have a chance. Stupid hurts me. It's my kryptonite.Forget trying to pass for normal. Follow your geekdom. Embrace your nerditude. In the immortal words of Lafcadio Hearn, a geek of incredible obscurity whose work is still in print after a hundred years, "Woo the muse of the odd." . . .You may be a geek. You may have geek written all over you. You should aim to be one geek they'll never forget. Don't aim to be civilized. Don't hope that straight people will keep you on as some kind of pet. To hell with them. You should fully realize what society has made of you and take a terrible revenge. Get weird. Get way weird. Get dangerously weird. Get sophisticatedly, thoroughly weird, and don't do it halfway. Put every ounce of horsepower you have behind it. . . .Don't become a well rounded person. Well rounded people are smooth and dull. Become a thoroughly spiky person. Grow spikes from every angle. Stick in their throats like a pufferfish.- Bruce Sterling, speech on The Wonderful Power of Storystelling to the Computer Game Developers Conference, March 1991
I think I'd have been happier if Don MacLean had died and Buddy Holly had written a song about it. I'm no expert on 14th-century medieval warrior regalia, but I think a big hindrance to a knight reaching the end would be wearing white satin in the first place.
I'm not sure why "War of the Worlds" is considered science fiction. I mean, somebody traveling millions of miles to kill Tom Cruise doesn't seem all that far-fetched to me.Have you seen those dorks already waiting in line for the new "Star Wars" movie, which doesn't open for another month? My buddies and I make fun of those losers all the time -- only we do it in Klingon so they won't know what we're saying.I have an idea for a movie in which Ashton Kutcher gets killed over and over. There isn't much plot, but I think it's what audiences really want to see.You know that guy who made the movie "Super-Size Me," in which he gained 31 pounds after eating nothing but McDonald's food for an entire month? That dude totally ripped me off! I did it first, except he filmed it or something.
I wonder how many Grouches they went through on Sesame Street before the sanitation engineers were told not to empty that one garbage can.People laughed at me for learning to speak Klingon, but let me tell you: There's nothing funnier than being on the witness stand with your hand on the Bible and watching the court reporter go nuts when you answer the "tell the truth" question with a loud "SHHINGO-THOTECT!"You know that guy who keeps winning every day on the game show "Jeopardy!"? Betcha I could kick his ass at Quarters. Ha! Take another shot, Pencil Neck! Last night I had a dream that I was on the $100,000 Pyramid and Betty White was my partner. In the final round, she said, "Cheese grater... potato peeler... food processor..." and all I could think to answer was "Things I wish I hadn't put so close to my genitalia."
My new book, "How to Remove Virtually Anything From Your Butt," hasn't made any best-seller lists. However, my publisher informs me I've landed on a couple of lists run by the government, so that's gotta count for something.
If you're ever playing 1-on-1 with Jesus and you start trash-talking, don't say, "Who's your daddy?" because he'll just smirk at you and then as you're thinking "Oh... right," he'll blow by you in a blur of sandals taking the rock strong to the holeExperience is the best teacher -- because experience will never take you behind the school gym and touch you in your swimsuit area. Sophomore year I took a class from a professor who changed my whole life. I can't really remember what his name was, or what the class was, or even which college it was, but I found that if you sit behind a really tall guy and kind of slouch down in your chair you can drink Scotch right from the bottle and not get caught.