Marcus[lives]

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And so it begins. A task I've been putting off. My about me. I've decided to undertake it now.
On May 1st, 1988, in McMinnville, OR at 12:15pm, I came into this world with my umbilical chord wrapped around my neck. Obviously, I made it through this event, but it was my beginning.
My earliest memories date back to when I lived in McMinnville at my house on Ash Street. I remember riding around on my big wheel, drinking red kool aide out of my bottle. I remember being best friends with Connor Winkler, the neighbor boy. We'd go to the McMinnville park with our parents and play on the equipment. We'd also pretend to fight with light sabers. We were best friends until the day we moved to New Plymouth.
Here, I remember always helping my dad around the farm. I'd carry big buckets of grain, move hay bails, help feed the cows, and just generally follow him around. I remember Doug always running around the farm as well, playing on the tractors. He had a cow named "Mikealo". But he was really just telling my mom that it was "My cow, Leo." But we thought he was calling it Mikealo. We always knew which she was because she'd always follow us around when we fed the cows and she'd let us pet her. Yes, Mikealo was a girl cow. How silly. I remember after we moved away from the farm about teasing Doug that the hamburger he was eating was Mikealo. I'm surprised he didn't become a vegetarian. But that's getting ahead of myself.
I remember the first day of preschool. Kyle Harmon and I were playing with random toys, and he kept taking my GI Joe. So I told the teacher, "Kyle is ignoring me!" but I meant annoying. So she just shooed me back out there and told me to keep playing. So I did.
Kindergarten was with Mrs. Agee. She was amazing. I remember sitting next to AJ Murphy and saying something racist to him and getting in trouble. But we didn't care because we were little and didn't even know what we were talking about. I also remember playing at recess on the merry-go-round. That was the best thing ever. I also remember a time that I came on the wrong day, since Kindergarten was every other day, and another class was there during the other days. I didn't know anyone except Mrs. Agee. She said I was okay, but I didn't know any of the kids at recess! So this is where I started gathering agates. I'd dig through the rocks in the play area and find the clear shiny ones and put them in my pockets. I didn't have any friends on that day, so occupying my time was half the fun. The agate gathering, and general obsession with shiny rocks, didn't stop till 5th grade. Mainly because Fruitland didn't have a place to find agates. Again, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's continue on to previous years.
First grade was with Mrs. Trichades. Something like that. I don't remember much of this year, other than playing red rover at recess. Oh, and Christy Moore kissing me at recess one day. And running from her every day. And not having much time to look for agates. I also remember becoming afraid of the bathrooms because we had some speaker come talk to us about the importance of washing your hands. After hearing all the bad things that can happen by not washing your hands and having seen kids not wash their hands when they left the bathroom, I was afraid to ever touch the door again. So I always held it in. And went after school. This has helped build my strong bladder! I'm sure there's some negative side effect to it, though.
Second grade was with Mrs. Bacon. It was funny, because she actually looked like a pig. During this time, I had my first crush. On a boy. His name was Tabor. Anyways, at home on the farm, A couple of my mom's friends lived with us for a while. Jimmy and Sue, with their kids James and Crystal. Crystal was a year above me and James was five years above me. So they provided some entertainment around the house. I also remember finding some plants growing in my parents' closet in a little hidden room. We found them when we were looking for Christmas presents. Hehe. Well anyways, sometime during all this, my parents got divorced. So about halfway through second grade, we moved with our dad to McMinnville. Here, I went to Adams. I remember being friends with Brian and Melissa. Except one time, I made fun of Melissa and she hit me in the head with a rock. I still have a dent from it. Heh. I also remember playing with a parachute in the gym. We'd do things like lift it up and run under it. Or stretch it out and all of us would pull it over legs and shake it. The teacher would throw pennies on it and they'd bounce around. I remember one time while bouncing pennies, an announcement came over the intercom to tell us that they'd just announced that OJ Simpson was innocent. I remember thinking that was silly. But Adams was a silly school. And the whole playing with the pennies on the parachute thing got me into penny hunting. I started trying to collect a penny from every year. It didn't last long, because during third grade, we moved to Columbus elementary.
Here at Columbus, I remember there always being a point system for reading. And you could buy things at this little store they had. I remember reading all the time and buying these little candles that smelled like Jasmine... Because they reminded me of Aladin. I remember playing with George and Ty at recess. We pretended to be the two stupid dogs. Only there were three of us. So extra stupid, I suppose. And I remember a girl named Missy. And I remember a guy named Cory. He was in my brother's grade. I had a crush on him. I remember one time, he was talking to me on the bus about how to figure out what day your birthday will be on the next year. I also remember him telling me that gullible was written on the ceiling of the cafeteria. So the next day I looked and couldn't find it. And he made fun of me. In a friendly way. I also remember Kurtis beating up the neighbor kid because he made me cry by taking my X-Men action figure. I also remember running away from the house all the time on my bike. I'd steal a pepsi from our house and drive down to the park and drink it. Because we weren't allowed to have too many. And I'd bury the popcan in the rocks at the playground. I also remember hearing about one of the kids at our school getting hit by a car while riding his bike. I didn't know him, but I felt really bad. I still think about him every time I see a bike. It's weird. I also remember sneaking up to the train tracks and setting toys on them so I could see them all melted. Yep. Third grade was cool.
In fourth grade, I moved back with my mom in New Plymouth. I remember Johnathan Chapman coming over to our house and looking at our stepdad's dirty magazines with my stepbrother. We'd go over to his house and jump on his trampoline. And play mortal kombat. And he had this gum that had a juice filling stuff that he called "Cum Gum". It was blue, though. And I had no idea what that meant, but it tasted really good. So I went to the store and asked them if they had any cum gum, and they told me to get out. During school, I used to steal Bailey School Kids books. I loved them. And I still have a bunch. I actually didn't read them, but I knew all the popular kids did, so I took them to seem more popular. That was lame. I remember being friends with a bunch of guys and us always going to Casey's house and talking about things. We were talking about girls or something, then one of the kids, I'm not saying who, said, "Sometimes I don't know if I'm gay or not." And we all just remained quiet. Then someone said something about masturbating. And we all said we'd never done it, saying it was gross, denying it up and down, when I bet we all did it. I just remember a lot of strangely deep talks that seemed like nothing. It was odd.
In fifth grade, I hung out with Josh Shaver all the time. We'd ride bikes and just generally chill. I remember having a crush on Dana Sheffield and I told him about it on the last day that I'd be at New Plymouth, because we found a house outside of Fruitland. It was the day before Spring break. I remember standing outside with him after school, just waiting for his mom to come pick him up for something. I told him and he just said, "Cool." This was really the first time I'd ever confided in anyone, and it wasn't the response I was expecting. So I left New Plymouth a little confused.
My first day in Fruitland was weird. Everyone else had been going there all year long and here I was jumping in at the middle. Mrs. Greif was gone because she was having a baby. So I only got to see her for like... a month at the end of the year. We had Mrs. Macdonald. I remember befriending Noel, Jordan, James, and Steven. We pretended to be wrestlers during recess. It wasn't really that exciting, now that I think about it.
Sixth grade was where I started to slip. I was starting to not like myself. In New Plymouth, I rode my bike everywhere. And now, in Fruitland, our house was down a slope and gravel, so riding my bike wasn't very much fun. So I started to gain weight. And this was also when James, Noel, Steven, and Jordan decided to ask Courtney Canas out for me. I hardly even knew her. But she said yes. So I went out with her against my will. But I enjoyed it. I enjoyed giving her hugs. And presents. Until she dumped me for Bryan.
Seventh grade was long. I remembering staying home from school a lot, saying I didn't feel good. Kids called me names at school. I didn't like it. So I stayed home a lot. I remember getting back with Courtney over the summer then breaking up with her the first Friday at a football game by throwing grass at her.
Eighth grade was the worst. I hated myself during this time. This was a time when I'd spend most of my hours shut inside my room, reading by candle light, crying my eyes out, writing suicide notes and angsty poetry. And then, one day near the end of eighth grade, I wrote myself a promise. I promised to no longer live for myself. I promised that I would, from that point on, live for everyone else. I would live to make people happy since I couldn't be what I wanted. And this was the last night I cried for five years. So many nights I spent praying that God wouldn't make me to be gay. That He would change the way I felt. And when a miracle didn't happen, I took what I was given and decided to make the best of it.
Freshman year was a turning point. I had the whole summer to brood on what I would change. How I would make others happy. Speech was a great outlet. I always became lost in adrenaline when I would give a speech. And I remember doing my pet peeve speech. I talked of how safety scissors being so safe that they couldn't cut anything. I talked about being annoying in class. I also talked about people judging people without even getting to know them. That was my biggest pet peeve. I almost cried while saying that part. It just reminded me of all the years I was bullied. I remembered looking at some of the people in the class that had bullied me in previous years. I remember making them want to feel bad. And I remember it giving me the greatest sense of relief I'd ever felt. Choir was another outlet. I could sing my heart out and have my mind off of anything else. I remember going to California for a choir trip. I remember Jeremy and I using the buddy system to save our lives. I also remember laying in bed that night listening to Rusty try and tell us what the meaning of life was. And I remember just laying there, laughing.
Sophomore year was when I decided to be a little scenester. I started wearing all black, big silver ball necklace, wrist bands, the whole deal. I remember one of my wrist bands smelling like the spray Mr. Arnzen used to get rid of the dead pig smell. I remember Krystle coming in to Biology one morning after having taken twice the amount of medication as she should have and her having to have the ambulance come get her. I also remember writing a lot during this time. I wrote a lot of stories. Stories about a boy that would be happy one day. But I'd always smile and be happy with my friends.
Junior year was grand. I remember always doing weird music speeches for History. And I remember drawing little stick figures on the top corner of every page of my history notes to try and help me remember what we were talking about in some strange way. I remember having to memorize poems for Mrs. Hotchkiss's spelling tests. And I also remember that stupid thing we'd have to do on the computers that involved us figuring out errors. I remember the automatic stapler going crazy on one of my stories. I remember kidnapping people. And I remember hanging out as Sam's house. And rocking out to Bohemian Rhapsody. And never wanting it to end.
Senior year went by way too fast. Chemistry really being Card Playing Hour. Government being one of my favorites. Library Aide being a great way to start the day. Choir being the biggest joke ever. Astronomy/Applied Physics being a jolly good time. English being the easiest class to fake my way through. And Western Civ being the great experience I needed it to be. The senior all night party was great. I remember getting home at 5:30 and just being so sad. I didn't want it to be over. And then graduation. I walking out. Being done. Living.
My first year at TVCC. It was, to say the least, amazing. It took writing this for me to realize how good it was. It was strange moving into the dorms right before we had to move out. I remember Tony being the first person to introduce himself. I remember moving into the new dorms and being so excited. I remember meeting Tarryn, Adrian, Laura, Raquel, and Tom all on the same night, them coming over to play Super Smash Bros. I remember winning. I also remember the night the power went out. I remember seeing Tarryn in the halls, her hair all wet. The power went out while she was taking a shower. It was hilarious. I remember moving down the hall into room 201 with Richard, Nic, and Blaine. This quickly became the party room of the dorms. I remember getting fined twenty dollars because of it :) I remember staying up to go to breakfast in the morning, then falling asleep at 7 because we decided breakfast didn't sound that good. I remember deep talks. I remember Blaine leaving. I remember Nic leaving. And coming back. And leaving again. I remember Ron, the Godfather, coming. I remember almost getting beaten up. I remember smiling more than I ever thought I would. I remember meeting some of the most amazing people. Katie, in specific. When Tarryn left, she became my light. She always made me smile, made me laugh. She was there. Tiff too. And Vee. I also remember crying for the first time in five years.
I also remember a boy. A boy who I think doesn't quite understand how truly wonderful he is. A boy that is funny, sensitive, and caring. A boy that could always make me smile. A boy who was confused. Yet, he made me see so clearly. A boy that came to me when I needed him the most, whether he knew it or not. A boy that I think no matter how much he changes his physical appearance, he's still the wonderful person he is underneath. He won my heart, this boy did. And he still has it, whether he knows it or not.
I also remember everyone leaving. I remember painting. I remember singing. I remember blasting Eric Whitacre music our my window when I left for class. I remember Shay's white ass. A nice white ass, though. And I remember playing Sardines. And Whitney. And Dana. And Felicia. And Laura. And Raquel. And Aimless. And AIDS. And Justice. And Gary. And Tom. And Charlie. And Tony. And Jerry. And Angela. And Margo. And Niii! And Katherine. And everyone else in the dorms. I remember regretting living there. But now, now that I reflect. I don't regret one minute. Not one minute of it. Because it was all perfect. The hugs. The kisses. The tears. The jokes. The drunken nights. The whales coming up for air. The jack in the box runs. The fines. The RAs. The entertainment. The people. The dorms. They were amazing.
And now. Well, now I'm just living. Trying to make it by. And I think I'm doing just fine. I'm growing, I'm changing. I'm learning that I can be happy for myself and not just for others. I'm learning that good things come to those who wait. I'm learning that life is never what you expected. And I'm learning that the only way to change your life is to do everything you could possibly want to make it perfect.
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