First of all, I'm not your average person. I am the combination of Greg and Nesto. We were two, but now we are One. "How could this happen?", you might say. "How could one man be this Great?", you'll wonder. "Why should I forsake all else and follow this man?", your conscience will whisper. Because I know the truth. Forget what you've learned before this point.
From as far back as I can remember I have always been. I have been there since before the dawn of man. During this time, I jacked off a lot. When there was nothingness in the universe I Gresto was there floating about, true playa from the start...Many scientists believe in the Big Bang Theory while others believe in Intellegent Design. Nay I say verily. Listen so that you may hear the truth. In the beginning there was Gresto, and before Gresto there was nothing. In the days before time, we were two, yet still one. Much like siamese twins, we were connected. My Nesto half was a massive Puerto Rican (even though Puerto Rico would not exist for billions of years). My Greg half was a feisty little black man (when feisty wasn't cool). In true siamese fashion, the two were attached to each other by sharing tissue and skin. In this case, the two had a mutual scrotum. It was impossible to tell where one ended and the other began. Each entity had their own pair of testicles that competed for space and attention in the sac. The shared scrotum caused much strife.For years floating in the nothingness, the two practiced their wrestling moves on each other hoping to be the next Hulk Hogan (or the first for that matter). After twisting around and around, Nesto was finally able to get Greg's butthole in a sphincter hold. The suction created when the two touched anus to anus was enough to trap them there for 2000 years, during which reach-arounds were the favorite pastime. By the end of the second millenium, both had had enough. They decided to end the battle with their most powerful Ass Blast...
This explosive force tore open a portal that blasted the magnificent scrotum apart. For a split second Nesto and Greg felt what it was like to be free. It was at this moment that they began to feel the power of the portal they had just created. It was no mere portal. It was a black hole! In the blink of an eye both were sucked into the abyss. The pressure inside was so powerful the two had become One. Gresto looked at himself and grinned a Gresto grin. I now felt complete. I cupped my hand and checked the goods. Our penises had combined to form one 13 inch mocha monster. Nestled underneath was our glorious scrotum, complete with four balls. "Bukkake!" I thought. The rest of what scientists tell you about the start of the universe is bullcrap. The universe as it is today was just a circumstance of a 2000 year battle of sissy slap fighting, hair pulling, and the final explosive exchange of natural gases.Boy I tell ya, that's not the only thing society has gotten wrong about your reality. The Presence of Gresto has been covered-up in every major event since the Dawn of Time. Science, religion, and Historians have forcefed society their blasphemous lies about everything that you know to conceal the existence of Gresto, and that is why I have finally surfaced after a millenia of silence. I have come to clear away the steam from the sneeze-proof glass of this chinese buffet you call reality so you can truly see the shrimp fried rice of truth I offer. The truth as you will see is much more reasonable than the myths you have believed all your lives. The beginning of life on this planet is another sorted tale that science and religion have argued over, each thinking they have the right answer and neither one is even close. The beginning of life occurred several years after the Black Hole flung me to Planet Gresto, what you mortals lovingly deemed "Earth". I wandered this world aimlessly horny and hungry, Searching, but for what I did not know. I was the only being inhabiting Planet Gresto , which meant no women or animals to make sweet love to. And without animals there were no chinese buffets to quench my enormous hunger. It was in the Buschland region of Grestonya, in what Geographers today refer to as Puerto AfRico, that I discovered a glorious puddle of primordial ooze. At first I didn't know what to do. Was it food or was it some form of sex lube? I didn't know if I would be fucking up some good eating or eating up some good fucking. After some serious pondering and soul searching, the decision was made. I had to satisfy the greater need, plus if I was mistaken in my decision I knew I would still eat the goo so it was a win-win situation. I took the plunge, jabbing and humping this puddle to the best of my abilities. First I was on top, then we changed positions to engage in a reverse cowboy. When the ooze wasn't paying attention I threw it the Ol' Anal Intruder. You might wonder what its like making love to an anamorphous blob? Well imagine having sex with a giant tub of pudding...Boy I tell ya' it was incredible. All four of my magical balls released at once, sending a shock of ecstasy through my sack. This orgasmic eruption shook the fromuda cheese from my scro scro, which mingled with the Primordial ooze, and my super semen to form a virtual petri dish of unholy specimens, a grotesque amalgamation of frankenstitic creations. Apparently my sack was a booming metropolis for millions of sincle celled micro-organisms. They were packed into tiny crevices within the fromunda cheese like immigrant workers in a one bedroom trailer. These organisms then merged into conglomerate balls where they were infused with my baby batter, and out of this love chowder came the beginning of life itself, for my balls are the creators of all things.
