Evan Mann

Dear person who actually took time to read my bio,
Hey. How’s life on your side of the spectrum? Not too bad I hope. In reality though, you’re probably so freakin stressed out you can’t see straight. And, that’s probably why you’re sitting here actually reading this fine literature composed by some random guy named Evan who thinks he can actually help change the world by writing songs about life… (if I suck, please don’t crush my self-esteem), when you probably have that report to do, pay bills, or even go to the store to buy some filtered water because you’re out at home and the city water gives everyone cancer or kidney stones and because, to be quite honest, you need to drink water to relieve some of your constipation caused by never-the-less, your stress. Your procrastination is well appreciated. And hey, maybe you’ll even like some of what you hear. If not, no loss right? You still avoided a little bit of reality, if only for two seconds…
Wait up. You’re still here? Man I could of sworn you’d be on to something else by now even if it was dusting your keyboard or polishing your computer screen or some other crap you would have never done in your spare time. Well since you’re all mine, let me tell you what’s up? I know that seems rude to just talk about myself and all, but how am I supposed to hear you out anyway. You’re all the way over there. You can message me if you want. I’m probably supposed to give some disclaimer right now that I’m not a certified counselor so I don’t get sued or anything when I tell you to leave that piece of crap partner of yours or what not. Hold on sec would you… *(inaudible dialogue of Evan and his lawyer discussing his previous statement).
Sorry ‘bout that folks… It appears that I may have offended some people there. I have been advised to clear up any ambiguity regarding crapy partners: “Your partner is not crap. Well unless he hits you, cheats on you, or anything else of that nature.” WHAT? Sorry, give me one more sec… (more inaudible dialogue.)
I’ve just been informed that I have offended a group of males, who wish to remain anonymous, involved in a group called Battered Men against Abusive Wives. “I am sorry. Your wife is crap.”
Oh, yeah about me… if you haven’t figured out by now, I’m just trying to ramble long enough for you to finish the first song on my profile. If you’re a slow reader like me, I probably succeeded… AHH! What now? Please excuse me… *(more inaudible dialogue. Evan threatens to fire his lawyer and verbally abuses him. Some general words are shouted regarding the offense of slow readers and Evan telling his lawyer he is a waste of space on Earth. Evan breaks down and cries, they hug, and make friends again. Evan collects himself and prepares his next biography statement)
So uh, yeah… your still here. Well this is awkward. I hope you like my stuff. You are a nice person. I’m sure you are very attractive. You have good taste in music. I’m leaving now. *(Evan doesn’t leave. He proceeds to wipe a smudge of his computer screen…)