Matt Devlin profile picture

Matt Devlin

Maybe we should be paying more...

About Me

I've lasted a smooth 32 years on this god-foresaken mudball and I've become absolutely nothing. Unless, of course, you're willing to listen and your opinion differs... You see, I've done this, that and the other in a variety of locales over a space in time - but - just like everyone else I'll be remembered by a certain amount of people for a certain period of time for only a certain few accomplishments (or sins). I could tell you what I've 'done' so far but, frankly, I'm sort of hoping that the things I will be remembered for have yet to happen. So why bore you with the story about the time I farted at a cop? Or the time I used the N word in the most appropriate manner and the only black guy in the room nearly pissed himself laughing? Or the time I stole $10,000 in quarters? Or the time I saved a dog from a burning house (coincidentally, that dog was named "Maddie" -AKA Madeline and I often go by "Matty" which replaces the HEW in MATTHEW with a Y... so you can imagine my utter bewilderment when the owner of the house was shouting "Maddie" while on his knees in the front yard with his house burning down right before me). Or the time I spelled "HAPPENED" wrong (yeah, there's two E's) in the 3rd Grade Spelling Bee and it scarred me for life? There's nothing to see here. Yet.

My Interests

Reading and planning adventures. Hunting and arguing with people who think manufacturing my own meat is a crime. Go read Cogs in the Great Machine and stay the hell away from my venison. I also love stand-up comedy. I've got gig experience from London to Seattle and if you're not careful I could well be coming soon to your neighborhood...

I'd like to meet:

Condoleeza Rice. Evidently she's amazingly captivating and charming. And I like black chicks. Did you know there was an oil tanker named after her? I'd also like to meet the guy who invented speed bumps and the guy who stole Warner Howard's idea.And Chuck Barris.

Music:

Recently... can't get enough of Todd Snider. That guy is a legend. Also, Cody Chesnutt (even though he won't add me as a friend). If you've not heard the new KOL album - shame on you. My favorite song of all time is probably 'In the Meantime' by Spacehog. What a pretty piece of music! And let's not forget Mr. Daniel Johnston... another living legend.

Movies:

Movies really piss me off. If you get roped into going to see a movie and you actually pay for the privelege that money goes right straight into the pockets of the movie makers and it is added to the Box Office revenue of said film and bumps it up in the ratings. But what if you watched the movie and somehow left thinking... "Man - that really blew... I should invoice these doucheheads for my time" or something along those lines? It's not like you can take it back. There should be a box outside the cinema called the "SUCK BOX" and if the movie sucked you can put your ticket stub in the SUCK BOX and it'll somehow not credit the movie with your presence. That way people will be forced to make quality films - like the Coen Bros. or Vincent Gallo.

Television:

I recently moved and I never bothered to buy a TV... that was in late October. So I've been without a TV for 5 whole months and I don't really miss it. I'll watch CSI if it's on. An ultra-hot ex-stripper MILF and a deaf guy that looks like he should be teaching Phys. Ed. rocking the foundations of the criminal world with sheer intuition and some gadgetry! YES PLEASE!Did you see Zinedine Zidane (French National Football [aka soccer] Star)headbutt that greasy Italian piece of shit in the solar plexus in overtime of the World Cup Final? I know it's my civic duty as an American to hate the French but I kind of like them. They're self-absorbed, have great food (trust me on this), hot women and the don't give a toss what anyone thinks of them - kind of like us.Anyway - he laid this dude out. Genius. Thank God for television!

Books:

Books kill me. I like a good biography about somebody who actually did something. Everyone's got a biography but if all you did was act in movies because your Dad and your brother did then you're not really entitled to a biography in my professional opinion. Even if all that privelege and dumb luck landed you in Viet Nam or some shit. I thoroughly enjoyed Larry Flynt's bio as well as Chuck Barris's. Those guys are true Americans and if I wasn't so Goddamn lazy and include them in my 'Heroes' entry as well. Also, there's a dude called DBC Pierre (don't worry - he's not French) and he's got two books out. Go buy both of them and then take a few days off works and sit on the beach with those two little gems... If you don't thoroughly enjoy yourself email me and I'll reimburse you the price of the books.

Heroes:

Ever heard of Douglas Bader? He was this fighter pilot and he had no legs. He was showing off and crashed the plane and had to have his legs amputated... SO of course he's devestated because all he wants to do is fly and the Royal Air Force (he was English) is like "sorry mate, you got no legs..." But he wasn't having any of it. Anyway, having no legs actually worked in his favor because he could really maneuver that plane and I guess when you do certain things in a plane your blood gets sucked out of your head and down into your torso and legs. But he didn't have any so he was more inclined to not pass out... Anyway, he gets himself in a Nazi prison and tries to escape on tin legs (I guess early prosthetics were made from tin). Imagine that - trying to escape on TIN LEGS!!! And so the Nazis - being the clever bastards that they seemed to think they were - take his legs away. And you know what he did?? He escaped again - with no legs. Imagine escaping from a Nazi prison with no legs?!?! Check him out... he's a Legend!

My Blog

How not to be a DOUCHE on a plane - COMING SOON!

What is it about stepping onto plane that rips common sense and courtesy from just about everybody in the country?  I don't know either.  Here I will reveal some very basic rules you should ...
Posted by Matt Devlin on Tue, 29 May 2007 09:02:00 PST

My new nickname.

Dear friends, I hate CSI.  Deep down I have some pretty dark desires that involve grand theft... Like art or something.  You know, high-profile Thomas Crown bullshit.  But these guys w...
Posted by Matt Devlin on Thu, 19 Oct 2006 09:27:00 PST

Today, the future and tomorrow (read: "today" tomorrow)

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  Just like yesterday was...   And yesterday I swore that today I'll be launching myself to stardom, wealth, purpose, physical fitness, a rene...
Posted by Matt Devlin on Tue, 01 Aug 2006 04:17:00 PST

Chicken Tenders, Light Beer & Apocryphal Axioms

Chicken Tenders, Light Beer and Apocryphal Axioms... All three of these things exist in the world we currently inhabit.  All three of these things are for sale within 1 mile of where YOU are NOW ...
Posted by Matt Devlin on Tue, 18 Jul 2006 10:14:00 PST

Cigarette ash in my keyboard...

Blogs.  Profiles. C*nts.  I've looked at a few profiles tonight because I can't sleep.  One profile spoke of an Autumn's eve and how it penetrated a window and caressed the silouh...
Posted by Matt Devlin on Sat, 08 Jul 2006 03:58:00 PST

This is my blog!

This is my blog. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My blog is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.  My blog, without me, is useless. Without my b...
Posted by Matt Devlin on Thu, 20 Apr 2006 04:43:00 PST