I had to do something or I was going to die. I'm not kidding by my hand or his. I turned to the only person who has been there for me in the end: the only person who is there all the time through thickness and thin life and death: my soul. I've started reading books and trying different methods to heal my mortally wounded soul. I think i've found it: 72 NAMES OF GOD. Yes KABBALAH.
I am your mistress and your beloved. I am your brilliance and frustration. I am your doubt and your conviction. I am your charity and your rape. I am your joy and your regret. I am your grasping and expectation. I am your tragedy and your fortune. I am your crisis and delight. I've always been here....even when you've never been there for me....no need for ugly words....I'll soon be at peace and then you'll forever regret the game you ran on me and what you've done. you really have no idea. And I love you still.
"I hurt myself today To see if i still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that's real.....You are someone else I am still right here.....If i could start again A million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way."
Its funny how you make it seem like theres nothing and you dont need me, but when your mother can't get a hold of you and your family worries about you: they call ME.
I feel like i've lost my best friend. but i don't think its true because i think my perception of our relationship was not accurate. I don't think he ever loved me. I feel like a failure.
Maybe you would love me if I did blow too. For once I would be as skinny as you've always wanted me to be and all strung out. Maybe I could perm my hair and dye it jet black: then would I be more desirable to your eye. Maybe I would be more lovable if I forgot my college education and had no future. Perhaps I would be loved if I worked a dead end desk job in Irvine as well. Would you love me more if I introduced you to a new addiction? In your minds eye I would be attractive if I had no worries in the world and waisted my life away with out the faintest care that I was destroying my brain and body. Would you want me more if I showed you how to salsa or tango? Maybe I should live in a bedroom in some house in south oc instead of having my own place for us to live. I would be rewarded with your love if if I could sing a tone deaf "memory." Would you love me more if i couldnt drive because im on my third dui? Would your mother think different of me if I introduced you to you're new drug. Maybe youd love me more if i was a gentalman in the streets but a freak in the bed. if i disrespected myself or degraded my body more would you love me? I think you'd love me more if I only had enough money for myself and not you. Do you think you'd come home if I was him? Would you come home if I couldnt take care of you and youre baby's mama could? When will you wake up. I hope you're not using, but something tells me you are. You never upgrade you always downgrade. Why dont you ever leave me for someone that can actually do something for you. I dont mean to put you on blast baby, but youd be insulted too if I left you for some skinny little white boy now woudlnt you. You left for some dirty little mexican or whatever it is, who has no education, promising future, decent job, stable home, who is a drug addict, the list goes on. You never knew my grandma so you never saw my uncle who is 45 and destroyed because hes a crack addict. think about that next time you're outside of the boom begging for a smoke when you have a home waiting for you. Would you love me. Yes read it again: would you love me.
Life, in one form or another, goes on so here I am. I am not happy. But I feel the light and I am trying to connect. Don't disconnect. Let the sunshine in.
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