Myspace For Girls Only - MyGirlySpace.com Learning to Let Go and Let God:%D%A%D%AMost of us live our lives expecting. Expecting to finish high school, go to college, graduate with a degree of choice, find a career and the love of our lives, get married and have a beautiful family and live happily ever after. THE END, right? WRONG! If only life were that simple, If only life could let us have our way like burger king does! Many of us go through life filled with a lot a pain, fear, self-doubt, low self-esteem, regret, and a lot of tears. Most of us are great at wearing masks to hide those feelings of inadequacy. Well I am here to take mine off and take you on a long journey that if it weren't for God and God alone travelling with me I would not have been able to see tomorrow. There is a favorite verse in a gospel song that plays over and over again in my head that says, "The joy of the Lord is your Strength and theGlory of the Lord shall be revealed." Only my family and close friends know this story, but I decided that there is a need to spread faith, hope and God's undying love, grace and mercy to those who may feel like the darkness will never end. %D%A%D%AOn July 2, 2005 my water broke 3 mos prematurely while at work doing a makeover. I was pregnant with a baby boy, my first child and the first grandchild, and was devastated to think that he may not make it because of how early it was.I was rushed immediately to the hospital where I lay there for nearly 4 very long,excruciating weeks! On July 28, 2005 at 12:45am Ethan James Spell was born weighing in at 2 lbs3oz! Boy did it feel like 10 lbs coming through cuz I had no drugs, only the ability to squeeze the hell outta my boyfriend's hand!! I was in the hospital 2 more days after that, but had to leave my baby there in the NICU. That was a very heartbreaking moment in my life. I had to walk out of there with an empty car seat while watching some of the other new mothers walk past me smelling of new born baby and wearing endless smiles on their faces. I fought back tears as I slid in the car. Following that was months of going back and forth to the hospital to see Ethan, so tiny, yet so brave. There were many complications:because he was so premie his lungs were very underdeveloped so he couldn't breathe on his own,he wasnt able to feed like a normal baby with milk so he had to have IV nutrition which in the longterm made his kidneys very enlarged. There was so much else: meetings with doctors, social workers, surgeries to repair this and that. Honestly, it felt like a dream;this wasnt supposed to be happening to me. What did I do to deserve this? I prayed and prayed to God to talk to me, but He didn't. %D%A%D%AOn Dec.29,2005 right after visting Ethan I received a phone call on my cell from one of his many doctors that I needed to return immediately to the hospital. I promise I pushed my grand am to the limit! I was doing about 110 on the frwy! Got to the hospital and it was so much noise in the NICU. A couple of the nurses who were now just like family were crying and came up to me with their arms outstretched to hug me. I didnt want their hugs or tears. I wanted to see my Ethan and what the hell happened cuz I had just left his side! The dr who had phoned me stated that Ethan had pulled out his breathing tube and wasn't getting oxygen into his lungs so his heart had stopped. It took them 50(fifty, that isn't a typo) minutes to bring him back! I rushed to him and he was asleep, the monitors where making their usual chirps and beeps and the tears begin to roll down my cheeks. I remember just like yesterday. My tears were very warm and then I became very angry! "Who in the hell was supposed to be watching him?!? When something becomes detatched don't these machines let you know?" I yelled. Thank God my brother and best friend Tish were with me. They just took me in their arms and let me cry.%D%A%D%AOn Jan 10,2006, I sat beside Ethan's station in the NICU. I was thinking and praying to myself when 3 doctors and the social worker approached me wanting a moment of my time. They came in close and began to explain to me that due to the incident that had taken place the results on the MRI showed a significant amount of brain damage. Ethan would never walk, talk or be able to breathe on his own. He would never live a normal life. I didn't even realize at first what was being told to me and when it finally hit me I just looked at my baby and let the tears that had already begin to fill my eyes, go. I could hear the social worker telling me something about if I needed to talk and the doctors apologizing and offering sympathy, but I honestly at the time didn't give a rat's a** about what they were trying to do for me. None of it would change what had just been told to me about my precious little man. I stood up and just walked out of the NICU full of pain. My heart literally hurt. I'm sorry I am about to cry right now just remembering. Remembering is always the hard part. I literally had to walk out holding onto the walls of the hospital corridor to make it to the elevator. I do remember people just watching my pain and my tears and looking into their faces.I could tell that they wanted to say something but didnt know what or how to say it. I just reached out silently to God to help me make it to the car. I felt completely and utterly alone. I made it outside to a cement bench where I just plopped down and cried the hardest I had ever cried in my life. An elderly white woman came to me and put her hand on my shoulder and said that she had saw me in the hallway and wanted to pray for me. She said that no matter what it was, God was in control. No doubt she was an angel. She began to pray for my situation and then 3 other ladies walked up to join in the prayer. They all hugged me and gave their encouraging words and I, still full of sadness, made it to my car. I had to call my parents who live in Lake Charles, LA to tell them the news of their grandchild. I could hardly speak my sobs were so hard and my dad and mom both on the phone where just as pained as I was. It took me 2 weeks to muster up the courage to go back to the hospital after that day. Each time I would get in my car to go, I would be engulfed with tears and pain and I would turn around and go home. I missed days of work, wasnt answering the phone, didnt open the curtains, what was the point of the sun rising?My apt was a mess! Snotty tissues everywhere, dirty dishes piled up in the sink. I was crying so much my head continuously pounded. I was literally making myself sick It felt like the flu and a stomach virus. But it was depression and grief taking its toll on my body. %D%A%D%AI couldn't take it any longer. I couldn't continue to live as if life wasnt going on around me. I had a baby who needed me more than anything. His father, my now ex fiance (he was cheating on me while I was pregnant in the hospital) was locked up in Kansas. I was all Ethan had. I got on my knees and made a decision that changed my life. I asked God to forgive me for all of the wrong things I had ever done and to please fill me with strength, courage, and the wisdom to be able to make it through this alive! I was crying as I raised up and looked around my apt. What a MESS! I began to first light my aromatherapy candles and open the patio door to let in fresh air.Turned on some gospel music as I ran clean dishwater(mold really stinks!), sprinkled carpet fresh, and washed the gigantic pile of clothes on top of the washer. Later that night with my bible in my purse, I went to the hospital to see my son.%D%A%D%AI knew it was going to be a long road, but I had told God that I was willing to travel the unknown twists and turns as long as He was by my side. I never gave up on God and Ethan never gave up on me. There were a lot of infections that came, but went because I prayed consistently over my son, laying my hands on him and speaking the healing scriptures from the Bible on him. The doctors were amazed at how, for as long as he was in the hospital, infections ceased and his liver became a normal size. He began to breathe more on his own and the respiratory therapists were able to ween him to very low ventilator settings. It came time to make the decision to either have him home or sent to a pedi longterm facility for babies in his condition. I wanted him home, but realistically it couldnt be done. I couldnt afford to quit my job and be home 24/7 and live off of $560/mos SSI (social workers crazy advice)! My rent alone at the camden was $615 and that was for a 1 bedrm 1 bath apt. The only other option was the longterm care facility which was about 4 hrs away! As big as TEXAS is there are only 2 in the state of TX and none in Houston!! I had to make the dreadful decision to send the love of my life, my baby, my gift, away. %D%A%D%AThe day before we were to leave was a Sunday and I got up as usual to attend morning service and the moment I took my seat I began to cry. Tears of sadness engulfed my spirit. I didn't feel God or the Holy Spirit in the atmosphere and it had been a very long journey. I was just tired and was feeling like I didn't understand what it was God wanted from me. I was confused because I had given myself to Him, what more did He want? Why was He letting Ethan have to go to that place? I cried the entire service as if it were a funeral. That wasSept 3, 2006.The next day we were up at 6am to follow the ambulance to Temple,TX. When we finally arrived at the facility I began to cry again knowing that I would no longer be able to just run up to the hospital and kiss his little fat cheeks and sing "Jesus Loves Me" at his bedside. We stayed for a few hours once they had settled him in and were back on the road to Houston. His father was out of jail and had come with me. We were quiet most of the way there, but on the way back had talked about reconciling our differences and work on getting back together. I had not stopped loving him and he and I shared something no other man had: Ethan.%D%A%D%ANot even 1 full week later we were getting a phone call telling us that they had to rush Ethan to the hospital because he was bluish gray when a nurse walked in the room.I was devastated because he had been doing just fine when he was here in the hospital, what were they doing or NOT doing for him at that faclity!! That night I couldn't sleep, I was tossing and turning and began to cry. I am so tired of crying, you have no idea! I got up and to not wake my fiance, went into the living room to talk to my Father. I prayed to Him and asked that He please take Ethan to heaven. I couldn't be there to watch over him like when he was here in the hospital and there is no better place for him then to be with Him in heaven. I also talked to Mary the mother of Jesus and asked her to please intercede in prayer for me and that I as a mother could never imagine how it must have been to watch Jesus tortured and crucified. Could she please, as a mother, talk to our Father to adhere to my prayer of peace. That was Sept 7,2006.%D%A%D%ASeptember 10,2006 I received a phone call while in Louisiana doing makeup for a wedding, that Ethan had passed away at 2:10pm. I fell on my knees on the living room floor with tears streaming down my face. God loved me enough to answer my prayer of peace for me, but especially for Ethan. His life started out so rough, but Ethan fought for his life like no one I have ever met! He never gave up even when the doctors said there was no hope for him to live.Ethan was apart of me and we together let go and let God. When I gave Ethan 100% to our Father is when he gave himself 100%. Just like I didn't give up on Ethan he didn't give up on his mommy.And WE never gave up on God. If a baby who came into the world with all odds against him from the start can fight for his life with the bravery and courage of a soldier at war, how much more can we as God's children be in the fight against what the devil is so intent on doing. To steal, kill and destroy is his only mission. When we allow him to get into our minds and deter us from our goals, plans, and hopes with the mere obstacles of life, he wins. When we let go and let God we win!%D%A%D%AIn Loving Memory of my soldier%D%A%D?than James Spell %D%A%D%AJuly 28,2005-September 10,2006%D%A%D%A View full size %D%A If you 're seeing this message it means that your "About Me" Section and possibly other sections have been modified due to system wide maintenance. We apologize for the inconvenience. - Don't message us about this. Just wait it out - Tom
