Tila Tequila

As you all may or may not know, my name is Tila Nguyen A.K.A. Tila-T-Gurl, Tila Tequila T-Bird, or T. I decided to re-write my entire life story to give you the down right truth about the real person behind the name. I always find myself bitching every once in a while about how people treat me, how I am human as well and I too have feelings and demand respect. I thought about it for a while and I asked myself, "How can you expect people to treat you like a human being if people don't know the "Real" you? How can you demand respect from everyone when you don't tell the entire truth about who you really are, and what you're all about?"Well my little darlings, here is now is where it's all going to happen. Think of it as a mini-autobiography about my life and all the shit I've been through. I am very honest, blunt, and very opinionated, therefore I always find myself speaking my mind. So no matter what it is or whom it's associated with, in the end, I always find myself saying......FUCK IT! Life is short....so I'm going to live the way I want and say whatever the fuck it is that's on my mind...and if you don't like what I'm all about or what I have to say....FUCK OFF! Enjoy....Back when I wasn't even a thought yet, my parents decided to screw one drunken night and had me, Tila Nguyen, 9 months later on October 24th. I was born in Singapore, but I come from a Vietnamese background. Why was I born in Singapore when the rest of my family members were born in Vietnam? Well that's because my parents were trying to escape the poverty stricken lifestyle in Vietnam to give us(their children) hopes to a better future and lifestyle in America. So I guess on their journey to America, they stopped in Singapore first, and that's when a miracle came into the world....I'm speaking of myself, of course! At the time I was born, I already had an older brother and an older sister. Soon after I was born we continued our journey to America. I was probably about 1 or 2 years old when I arrived to America. So naturally I was raised as a little American Hellcat in the suburbs of Houston, Texas. From that moment on.....life as we knew it, would all change....I remember from the ages 4 to 8 I lived in a Buddhist temple. To me, I remember it was more like a cult than anything. We had very strict, strict rules. I don't think our temple was like any other. There was an entire community full of them! And there were kids just like me there....stuck there because we had no other choice. We all lived in a very private community that was gated all around so no strangers would be allowed to enter. Even worse, we couldn't even leave without telling the gatekeeper first where we were going. It was more like hell to me! I mean, don't get me wrong, everybody there was super nice, but I think we all fell into the spell of some kind of trance....like I said, it was kinda like a cult...but nothing bad....just kinda weird. I remember feeling so trapped like I had no freedom. I'd go to school, come home and ride my bike around the gated community.I remember glancing out beyond the gates one time and wanting so badly to go outside to play. I remember wanting so much to see what the world was like beyond the gates, beyond all the green trees and leaves surrounding, and hiding our community. I wondered how my life would be and how different things would be if only my parents would move.My sister and I felt the same way....I'm sure my brother especially felt the same, but sadly for some reason....we were not so close, although I always wished that we were....So anyway, we kept bitching to my parents about how badly we wanted to move away. How we wanted more freedom and be able to live freely, after all, isn't that the reason why we came to America in the first place??? So my parents finally decided that we were right, that it would be best for the entire family to move away and live our own lives the way we wished. I remember finding out the great news and I was happier than ever!I was so extremely excited that I was finally moving away from that gated community! But at the same time I felt a sudden sadness. A sadness for the friends that I'd made and grew up with in that community that I had to now leave behind.I felt sad that I would be able to discover what freedom really meant while my friends would still be stuck there....all alone. But at least now, a part of my heart will be able to soar like an eagle in the sky. With my new found freedom I will be able to find out more about myself and what life is all about. What a liberating feeling!MY Adolescent Years In my adolescent years....oh boy! SO much shit happened to me! Hahaa! I don't even know where to begin. Well you know how there are some people out there you know now that were like TOTAL DORKS back then(not that anything is wrong with that, because I LOVE dorks!)? To be honest though, I was never a dork. I was always the same wild child I am today for the longest that I can remember.I was always that popular kid in elementary school, middle school, and highschool, but I was always the nice popular kid. I was always sticking up for all the nerds and beating up the people that were so called, "better than everyone." You know those people that went around thinking the were the shit and picked on "nerds" because they thought that would make them cool? Yea well, those were the people I usually picked on and beat up....not the dorks and dweebs.I guess I did that because I felt that the so called, "dorks and dweebs" kept it real and didn't try hard to "fit in." I was always more drawn to people who had their own style and were leaders, not followers. It's funny because I remember even at that young of an age, I was still very extreme and wild...I had the time of my life growing up.Elementary School I still remember my first few crushes in elementary school. Roberto, David, Puyon, and Chris. I remember my first attempt to ever send a guy a little "Love Letter." It was Valentines Day, and I had the BIGGEST crush on David. He was a grade above me, but dammit, he was soooo HOT! Even though I was only in the 2nd grade, I still had balls...haha! I remember sneaking out of my class and going to David's class.I pretended that I had left something there so that would give me an excuse to come in. Then I went to David's desk(he wasn't there yet) and slipped in a little Valentine's card. I wrote him a little 2nd grade love letter and even stuck on a big, red heart sticker on the card along with a lollipop shaped like a heart. I was pretty nervous because I didn't know what was going to happen after that, but I guess I'll find out during gym. So I had butterflies in my stomach the entire day and I was really anxious to see David during gym class to see what he had to say....well...the time finally came and I finally saw David.....David saw me and all he said was, "I'm gonna kick your ass!" Oh my god, was I embarrassed!I gave my biggest crush, David, a love letter pronouncing my undying love for him and all he could say to me was, "I'm gonna kick your ass!?" Hahahahahaha! Needless to say....nothing ever came of that! Hahahaa! But I think back and I guess that's just a child's way to react to crushes...you know, the usual, beat each other up if you like one another type thing....haha! So anyway, I was a pretty decent kid in elementary school. The teachers usually liked me and so did my peers...I had fun!Middle School Now moving on to middle school....now THIS is where my personality really came about and when I grew into my rebellious stage. I remember being 11 years old, and was still a pretty short kid. On top of that, I used to wear size 30 men's pants with huge construction boots along with huge button-down men's polo shirts or Tommy Hillfiger shirts. I would sport my dickies outfits every so often and my pants would be sagging down to the ground..haha! I was like this hot little boy! Hahahaa! I remember going to a very preppy middle school where ALL the teachers HATED me! FUCK THEM! They didn't want to give me a chance because they thought I was a thug (well I sorta was one)....soooo....I gave them what they wanted.I beat up everyone at their oh so precious prep school....My middle school was called Albright Middle School....I remember people used to call my middle School, Albright All White....hahaa! And it was SO true! At that time all my peers were going off having sex and being sluts. I decided I'd rather take the alternative route and just beat people up. I was the school bully, believe it or not! People were really scared little 'ol me back then...hahaha! I even got into a HUGE fight with this one black guy that claimed to be in some gang. Everyone at school was scared of him as well....except for me.So now the question is...how the hell did I get into a fight with a guy??? Well it started off as a crush. His name was Corey. Corey used to have a crush on me. He'd always try to flirt and get with me....but I was quite annoyed by him. So one day in science class I was really fed up with him. He kept bugging me and kept making these sexual remarks. I was like, "Leave me the fuck alone, I'm sick!" Then Corey annoyingly said, "Oh, I got some medicine fo ya, ma dick in yo pussy!" That's when I got up and pushed him. From that moment, he was threatening me, "Imma getcha at lunch bitch!"So lunchtime came around and while the class was walking downstairs to lunch Corey kept pushing me saying, "What's up, bitch? What's up!?" I was with a girlfriend at that time and she was just telling me to ignore him, but knowing me, to ignore this creep was out of the question! So he pushed me from behind for the last time before I turned around and socked him in his face! Everything after that was a blur...all I remember was the noise, the crowd and all the commotion. Amongst all that craziness going on around me, I remember seeing Corey's big fist going in slow motion towards my face. Everything was in slow motion for some reason. So I turned my head so I wouldn't get hit in the face. Corey ended up hitting me on the back of my head. I turned back around and saw another fist coming at my again! Next thing you know, I guess the teachers pulled him back and tried to pull me back...so I elbowed my science teacher in the stomach to run after Corey! I was a 4 ft. 11 madwoman! Hahahaha! I just remember seeing Corey on the ground so I kicked him in his balls. All I could remember next was being slammed into the lockers. The principle came out and grabbed me. FUCK! Hahaa! After that fight....EVERYONE at school was talking about it! I became a legend! Hahahaa! But at the same time, all the teachers were fed up with me. I guess you can say that was the last straw...so the principle sent me away to a school for "bad kids" for 6 months. Everyone at that school had MAJOR problems and were all on medication....puhahaha! Anyway, to make a long story short, I continued to be rebellious and bad. Nothing worked on me.So finally I did my time for the 6 months at that school for "Bad Kids." I was happy to be out, but this time, I told my parents that if they transferred me to a different middle school....that I promise I would be a good kid and stay out of trouble. Well, what parents would say no to that??? Haha! So I got transferred to this brand new middle school that was just built that year. It was O'Donnell Middle School. I was so stoked! To make a long story short, I tried my best to not get into trouble. I no longer bullied people around at my new school....but I think that was because something else was on my mind.....that's right....BOYS!!!! Mmmmm....hehehee...It was very strange because I could never get any guys to like me(not that I know of). I used to have so many crushes back then, but for some reason...the guys I liked always ended up hooking up with some other chick. I was always aggressive...even back then. I remember I wanted a boyfriend SO bad! I wanted to know what it was like to kiss a guy. I wanted to know how it felt to belong to somebody. I guess that's where my aggression came in. I was not shy at all. I remember going up to a crush one day and confidently said, "Hey, you are SO cute, I want to kiss you!" I even used to try to trick people into kissing me by going to school around the holidays with a mistletoe....I thought to myself, "If I carry around a mistletoe, and hold it under the guys I like...then they HAVE to kiss me!" Hahahaa! I know...I'm such a dork! But sadly it didn't work...=( I mean, I think I was pretty cute back then and I even started dressing a little more feminine.....but it dawned on me one day why guys wouldn't talk to me or ask me out. It's not that they didn't like me, it was because the guys were probably intimidated by me, and intimidated by how up front and aggressive I was. I was a pretty wild child after all and would probably punch your lights out if you pissed me off! Haha! So anyway, once that realization kicked in....I felt much better....hahaa! SO SCREW YOU BOYS! I hope you guys(the ones who didn't want to talk to me) are reading this now! *Cough* Peter *Cough* haha!High SchoolIt's so true what they say about your high school years. It's either the worst days of your life or the best! In my case it was absolutely one of the best times of my life! My high school days were the fucken BOMB! While it's true that I skipped school almost every day, I still loved every minute of it. From my gangster-thug days, to my first love, to learning more about life and becoming a young lady. I think high school had a lot of do with molding me into who I am today....I can still remember my first day of high school. I was SO excited, but at the same time I was pretty nervous. It was definitely different than elementary and middle school. So much bigger and so many people! I remember being all dressed up like it was a freakin' fashion show...hahaha! C'mon...don't even lie, you know damn well being in high school was like being in a fashion show every day. Everybody always trying to look their best and stuff...haha! And yes I was one of those people for a while. So a lot of stuff happened to me throughout my high school years, and I'm just going to break it down for you year by year so it will be easier to follow. I guess I will start off with my freshman year in high school.Although I was only a little fish, I was still pretty popular. Seriously! Haha! I had made a new best friend named Nancy. She and I both were like little thug midgets! Hahahaha! We were both the same height, but we were 2 of the baddest bitches at school. EVERYBODY at my school knew not to fuck with us because we were some gangsta bitches..hahaha! Please don't laugh too hard at me...you gotta remember, this was in high school ok? Lol....So anyway, being it was my first year and all I definitely was trying to be a showoff and a baddass. Nancy and I would skip school everyday and go to some friends house to get high and stuff. I remember I had never touched marijuana before in my entire life...until of course I started hangin' out with the "cool kids" and did typical teenager stuff. So I started getting high a lot with Nancy, and just being stupid.Now this is how I started smoking cigarettes at the age of 15 as well. I used to smoke weed with my buds, and after we'd all get high they'd all smoke a cigarette. I would always decline when they asked me if I wanted one, and they'd always trip out. They were like, "You smoke weed, but you don't smoke cigarettes??!" So one day I thought to myself, "What the hell, I might as well try it out." So after I got stoned I took my first drag of a cigarette(Newports) and OH BOY! I had the most narly headrush EVER! It actually intensified the weed that was already in my system! Hahahaha! So ever since then I started to smoke cigarettes as well. Yea I know it's bad, but like I said....just doing the typical teenager stuff ok? GEEZ! Haha!So Nancy and I were pretty much known as the coolest freshman's at school and hangin' out with the big boys! I remember once I was really trying to be a badass by starting shit with this GIGANTIC girl named Terry. I had no idea why I wanted to beat her up, but I just did. I think it was because I was going through this really dumb stage where I thought I was cool and it got to my head for a second. So I made a big deal about this fight that was gonna happen after school and EVERYBODY heard about it. Right when the last bell rang you could just feel the excitement in the air. I mean EVERYBODY went to the parking lot to meet up. It was CRAZY!Terry finally showed up and she was totally scared of me. She heard about me before and how I used to always fight and beat people up so she got scared. That made my ego get even bigger because here I am this short little girl next to this giant who's telling me that she doesn't want to fight me, in front of EVERYBODY! So I was like, "Hell no bitch! Wassup?!" Hahahaha! I was so lame! And my little sidekick Nancy was there as well....like I said, we were little thug bitches back in the day! Haha! So anyway, I told Terry to meet me behind this alley way so nobody would see us. So pretty much the entire school jumped in their cars and followed us to the alley. Once we got there you can just feel the blood in the air. It was such an adrenaline.So everybody gets out of their cars and wait for us. I finally get out and I see Terry standing there with her friends. She kept saying to me, "I don't want to fight you!" Right when she said that I pounded her in the stomach. She bent over and gave me a chance to pound her in the face and that's exactly what I did. Next thing you know there were about 20 people fighting. I couldn't see shit so I just kept punching away. Next thing you know I realized that I was punching one of my other girlfriends cuz I couldn't see! Hahahahaa! OOPS! So I guess the rumble went on for about...I don't know....maybe 2 minutes or so. You know how fights are...they seem like so long but it happens so freakin' fast!After thatI hear some cops coming....OH SHIT! So we all jumped back into our cars and bailed out! I just remember seeing Terry and her teeth were all bloody and her hair was all mangled. I felt really bad......MY FIRST LOVE So after being little miss "badass" for a while, I got pretty sick of it. I didn't want to go around beating people up to look "cool" anymore. I actually thought it was pretty dumb. So what did I do? I stopped being a bully and SLOWLY became a young lady. Now don't get me wrong, I was still always sent to detention and whatnot, but only for minor things. So one beautiful spring afternoon something hit me. I looked around while the wind was teasing my hair flirtatiously and the scented flowers tickled my little freckled nose...Hmm...I think it was the fresh smell of love in the air! Something exciting was definitely on it's way and I couldn't wait to see what(or who) it was!By now I was still a curious and inexperienced little 15 year old who, as embarrassing as it was to admit at the time, had still never kissed anyone! Shhhhh! haha! I was really embarrassed back then because I was this popular chick, yet, I still had never ever kissed a boy! I didn't want anybody to know so I always lied about it and told people that I've made out with guys...What a pathetic liar I was! hahaha! Anyway, so it was just another Friday afternoon and I was just hanging out at my friends house. Now at that time, most of my friends were all older than me because of my older sister. So I was always the youngest one in the group. We were all just hanging outside when all the dudes roll up. Neh, nothing interesting...they were just our buddies, but wait...who is that new hottie with them???? WHOA! That new hottie I saw that day I will never forget! He had the most beautiful dark black hair that was all messy and looked like it had taken a dive in some bed head. I remember his hair being all messy and really sexy! He had really dark features and beautiful eyes with matching succulent lips....mmmm...mmmmm....mmmmm! I remember feeling my heart race and I just couldn't take my eyes off of this beautiful creature. Whatever it was that I was feeling, I knew that I had definitely never felt that before and I kinda liked it! So of course after fantasizing and oogling over this hottie for what seemed like ages, I finally got the courage to ask all of my friends who he was. Let's just call him James. So there he was...James, my future first love and the first to take my virginity from me.After a while of seeing one another through our mutual friends, James and I started flirting madly! It was one of those things were it was definitely love at first site for the both of us. I was 15 and James was supposedly 18 at the time. I mean, that was a long story but I think he was really only 16 or 17, but he wanted to be cool and say that he wa 18....anyway......so as the summer days passed and the ocean breeze blew, James and I was falling madly in love with one another. We just couldn't handle ourselves anymore and one day decided to confess our feelings for one another. It was one of the most intense things that I've ever felt at that time, and at the same time it was all so new to me. I really didn't know how to handle myself so I just kept going with what I felt because what I felt sure did feel good. I remember I would sneak out on school nights and steal my dad's astro van. I didn't even know how to drive but love can make you do lots of stupid things! haha! Anyway, James used to live in what you would call the "North Side." I however, lived all the way in the "South Side" and that was a very far drive. But once I got there, it was all worth it. I swear it was like magic. He took me into his car and asked me to close my eyes. Then we finally pull up somewhere and he keeps his hands over my eyes to make sure that I am not peeking. Finally, he takes me somewhere and tells me to open my eyes. It was just one of the most beautiful lakes I had ever seen and we were standing right in the middle of this beautiful carousel thingie. I don't know what you call it but it was all white with these little white christmas lights lit up all around it. There were flowers growing all over it and you can just hear the crickets chirping in the background. Right then and there I knew that I just wanted to be there forever with this wonderful young man! At that moment, everything else in the entire universe just disapeared and it was only the 2 of us left. Then he played that song, Fade Into You by Mazzy Star and I swear, I felt like a little princess in a movie. I used to be so afraid to kiss people because since I had never kissed anyone before, I feared that I would be a bad kisser so I just always avoided it, but for some reason on that special night....everything just came together so perfectly. It was as if I was waiting for the right guy to come along and there he was in all his glory...so beautiful.......So that night I had experienced my first kiss and it was just wonderful! I never wanted it to end and after that I just melted. I felt like a big 'ol piece of jello that was all sappy and I didn't care! I WAS IN LOVE! To be continued.....12/08/03It didn't take long before James and I fell madly in love and were crazy about each other. I remember being so in love and it was so cool because this was my first time that I had ever felt that way. At the same time it was pretty scary because I also didn't know how to handle these new feelings. It was all happening so fast that it made my head twirl and I slowly became lost in my own insecurities towards James. Maybe it was because that not only was he my first love, he was also the one that I had lost my virginity to at the tender age of 15. The sweet thing was that he also lost his virginity to me as well. What can I say? We were just two kids who were madly in love.Things started off like a dream between us but things also ended just as fast and hard as when we fell in love. I was just so young and was so inexperienced with this whole "love" ordeal. I didn't realize that I had so many insecurities. I remember being extremely jealous and possesive. I never knew I had those qualities until I met James. I totally hated the fact that I was so jealous of other women. I always felt as if I weren't pretty enough or that I wasn't as womanly as the other girls I saw around. I just saw myself as this short, flat-chested girl with a big ass. This jealousy and these insecurities of mine started to get in the way of our relationship. I loved him so much but yet I didn't trust him with anything. I slowly became the girl that I swore never to be. I was a crazy, possesive, insecure, and jealous girlfriend, but this sounds pretty normal being only 15 years old and all...I didn't know much. All I knew was that I was in love and I didn't know how to act upon my new feelings. It eventually drove me crazy and James eventually left me.I never thought that in a million years that James would ever leave me. I was always the one who broke his heart. I was always the one playing stupid mind games and hurting his feelings. I was always the one thinking that I was the victim of love. Little did I know I had it coming. I remember it clearly 'til this day. Things were already getting so bad between us but we were still trying to work things out. It was my birthday, October 24th 1997. I just turned 16 years old and James and I were watching a movie. I was being a bitch all day, like my usual self, thinking that he'd keep begging for my love, but for some reason I think he had enough of me. He was usually always really sweet and forgiving but for some reason on this night he was cold and cruel. I felt something funny in the air and after the movie we walked back to his car. We got into another fight and this time he just had enough. It was done. James had finally broken up with me on my 16th birthday, and this was when my little heart was shattered for the first time. I will never forget how it felt. I can't blame the poor guy though...I definitely had it coming. I look back now and I'm glad it happened the way it did because then after that I learned so much more. I was never the same girl again. This is the exact point where the strong, independant, and cold-hearted Tila started coming into play.RIOT GIRLI was such a bad girl in my sophmore year in highschool. I guess this is where you can say I started to experiment with drugs, smoking, drinking, and all the bad things that teenagers do just because....I was going through a phase of self-discovery and just going in and out of different groups of friends. I was pretty much all over the place and I'm glad that part of my life is long over now even though it's always fun to look back.I remember being single, rebellious, and just so bad! I used to party all the time and used my sister's ID to get into the night clubs. I was only 16 but I was at all the coolest 21+over clubs drinking and druggin' my life away. I remember it just as if it were like that movie Studio 54. We had a club kinda like that called Club Some and EVERYONE used to go there and get trashed 'til 7 in the morning! I was so lost and I didn't care. I was just out there not giving a fuck about anyone or anything. I'd do drugs and make out with chicks and it was just crazy! As I am typing this it is awakening some parts of my brain to remember these things that I have not talked about in years. It's actually kinda strange. Anyway....I remember I used to hang out with the most random people..or shall I say troublemakers? I don't even remember how the hell I ended up with the thugs that I ended up with. It was fun yet at the same time it was so scary! I didn't know a soul and didn't know if someone was going to shoot me or try to jump me. You have to understand that where I grew up in Houston, there was a lot of gang-bangin' going on and violence. You gotta be tough and smart in order to survive. As I look back, I realize that at 16, I had no business doing what I did or hangin' out where I used to hang. God forbid if I ever have children one of these days that they will do the same things I did. I feel really bad for what my parents had to go through with me but hey...you couldn't blame me much either. I was just all fucked up and nobody seemed to notice or cared. So I feel deeper and deeper into my hole.One day after a long night of partying and hangin' out with random people I met 3 of the nicest guys in the entire world! I don't remember exactly how I met them but all I know was that ended up in Austin, Texas somehow and I needed to hitch a ride back home to Houston, Texas which was about 2 hours away. Meeting these 3 guys was one of the best things to have happened to me. It was like I finally found a home and no longer needed to jump from group to group and hang out with creeps. These 3 guys took me in and watched out for me. They took care of me and I slowly started having a heart again. Things started to warm up and I slowly started to wind down.The things I loved so much about these 3 guys was that they were just home-bodies. They liked to just hang out at home, play basketball, play video games and just have a fun time without all the violence and drugs.They in a way might have saved my life. I think god was watching over me because if I kept up the rate I was going at, I probably would have been dead by now.I had the most amazing time hangin' out with these guys! They all saw me as like a little sister or something. It was just so much fun! We would all hang out EVERY SINGLE DAY! Not a day goes by that we didn't see each other. I had never had such great friends like that before and it felt good to be a part of a group. It felt good to know that you can trust the people you hang out with. I was just a much happier girl, but I was also one of the most grungy and dirtiest little girl! hahahaha! This was my tomboy phase because all my friends were guys and so I naturally felt like a boy. I didn't wear make-up, I never showered, I always dressed like a boy and they all treated me like one of the fellas. Next thing you know I had a group of about 10 guys as my friends and not another girl in sight. It was strange also because I was such a boy that when I finally did meet a guy and go out on dates with him, all my guy friends would make fun of me...I felt kind of embarrassed as well so I always dumped the guys I was dating for my friends. They were more important to me. I just remember having SOOOOO SOOOO much fun with my guy friends...actually, we all had a good time!01/14/04While it may be true that I calmed down a little after meeting my 3 best friends at that time, that doesn't mean that I've turned into a little angel for too long. I am still Tila Nguyen afterall! So I guess you can say the little angel in me stayed for a split second but then I started partying again. While it was sweet that my innocence was brought back for a short while, the little devil in me had to come back out again sooner or later ya know? Besides, I was still only 16 years old and I had years ahead of me to calm back down.I guess you can say everything sort of just fell apart the day that all 3 of my best friends decided that they were in love with me.....ALL AT THE SAME TIME!! I mean, before all the crazy feelings started to develop we were really all just friends and I really was just one of the boys....but then again....I guess I'm just too much fun to be with to not fall for..haha! So once they started all falling in love with me everything started to change.Everyone started to feel weird around each other and jealousy started to arise. Everything just fell apart within a split second once the feelings started to get into the way, but for that short time I really did feel like I had a special bond with each and every single one of them. It was very strange but still so sweet and innocent at the same time.Soon after that I ran away to New York City at the age of 16 with only $300.00 in my pocket!! I was a wild child indeed! My lifestyle in New York City was exactly like Studio 54! It was non-stop partying and bigtime trouble for me. While I still missed my friends back at home in Houston, Texas...I didn't want to look back because things just weren't the same anymore. I had new friends now in New York. My gangster and druggie friends that is.....THE WONDER YEARSSo while I was in New York I stayed in Queens for a little while with another guy friend of mine. I just never had any girlfriends growing up for some reason. I just felt more bond with all the guys I guess but not in that adult kind of way...just like a tomboy way. I had the time of my life living in New York City, however it was just so faced-paced for a small towner like myself. I went buckwild!My friends and I used to take massive excstacey and go to clubs like Tunnel and Twilo. Back then those clubs were the shiznit! We'd go there and do drugs 'til about noon the next day!! It was absolutely one of the craziest experiences I've had to go to a club at night and leave the next day!! It was pretty sick because once we stepped outside it was all bright and the entire city was awake. Then there we were in our club clothes, all dirty and strung out in mid-daylight, and taking the train stations to get back home! It was so insane! I always felt like shit afterwards, but always kept coming back for more!It gives me the chills just thinking about it now because that's just something I NEVER want to go back to. It was fun while it lasted but definitely not going to ever go back to that. I remember being at these clubs all strung out and pretty much every scumbag there was trying to hit on me because they knew I was out of it. One time I was chatting with one of the bouncers while I was in the club and I remember him asking me if I wanna go into the V.I.P area. I was like, "SURE!" So he takes me into this room that was closed off and nobody was in there. Next thing you know he shuts the door and asks if I wanted to have sex with him.I was scared out of my mind because there he was this 6'3 probably 300 pound man who wanted to have sex with this 5'0 ft, 97 pound 16 year old.Yea...pretty creepy man!So I don't remember how long I lasted in New York but I probably stayed there for the whole summer. By then end of the summer I remember feeling like I have had enough. It was finally time for me to come back home.Besides....I totally ran out of money the first week I was in New York anyway and people were tired of giving me free dope. I had to leave.....05/19/04By the time I had finally returned home from all the craziness in New York, everything seemed to change. It's like everyone had shifted to different groups of friends and I was pretty much the only one left out. So I had to go on another wild journey to find new friends, and I honestly had no idea what I had in store for me...no idea at all....Once again I was out one night to the same club where everyone went to and did massive "X" pills. I remember being at my peak of the drug when I just lost my mind. I saw 2 very beautiful ladies standing in line and I had no idea what came over me but I just remember hitting on the both of them.Next thing you know, I'm holding hands with both of the beautiful ladies and led them inside the club. I sat down on this long couch and pulled them both towards me. They were both pretty fucked up too so I guess they didn't mind at all. One thing led to the next and the next thing you know I was making out with 2 of the hottest girls in the club!!! HAHAHA! Oh man, I am such a pimp for being only 16!!! hahaha!After our wild rendevous on the couch it was already 6 am! All my friends had already taken off and I was left with the 2 girls. One of the girls invited me to come back to their apartment where a bunch of their other friends were. Considering my night was so wild already I didn't even hesitate to go with them. I had no idea where I was going, I had no idea where my friends where, and I had no idea who anybody was at this apartment that I had just showed up at. There were just a bunch of people running around and I was totally still so fucked up on "X". I then remember the 2 girls and I going up into one of the bedrooms....and let's just say we all had a grand time!! They were both 17 so I was the youngest...hehehe.....from that moment on, we decided that all 3 of us should be dating, and for a short time....that's exactly what we all did, however I started to fall in love with one of them more than the other. Are you guys getting confused here?? haha!06/08/04So after a while of fooling around and having 2 girlfriends drama started to surround us like bees and honey! After so much I just couldn't deal with it all anymore. I had a little epiphany about my life and from that moment I decided to just stay away from everyone. I was tired of it all. I felt washed up and beat although I was still only 16 going on 17. I felt like an old hag and that was sad. So I stopped going to parties, stopped hanging out with the drug dealers, stopped everything. I just worried about going to school on time and doing my homework. For a little while there I was kind of like the girl next door....which didn't last too long, let me tell you!So I guess after a while of proving to my parents that I had calmed down, they forked up some money to buy me a car. I was very greatful to have my own car because my parents aren't the richest people in the world yet they still managed to get me a used 1992 Acura Legend. For a 17 year old I had a pimpin ride with leather seats and a nice sound system put in there. Once I got my car I decided to get a job. I loved the fact that I had my own transportation. I started to feel like a young, independant woman and it was one of the best feelings in the world. So my next task was to find a job. It was a perfect time to find a job for me because at 17 my record of going to jail twice had been permanently erased from my files. I had a ton of shitty jobs to start off with. I was in telemarketing, sales associate at Old Navy, Hostess at retaurants...anything pretty shitty, I had it and also never lasted longer than a month anywhere I worked. So to sum things up...I sucked at working and the pay was fucken horrible!By the time I'd come home from work I'd be too exhausted to study for any tests or do any homework for school. Then I started failing all my classes. Life was not so great at this point. I hated everything. School, work, life.....Then one magical day I met someone that would change my life.......10/04/04JUNIOR YEAR So it was my junior year in highschool and I'm still surprised that I made it that far! Only one more year to go until I get the fuck outta school and graduate! Well....little did I know, like always, more trouble was on the way for me, but in a good way...I think...Let's call her Carol. Yes...her name was Carol and she played a very important part in my life at the turning point of it all. I met her during lunch because she used to sit at the same table with the rest of the girls I used to sit with. I never recalled seeing her around school before even though she was only a grade above myself. She was a senior. So one day I just started blabbing to her about how shitty my life was and how I was looking for another job. Turns out she was also looking for a job and that was the very beginning of the most amazing friendship I had encountered in my entire life.One day Carol and I planned out a day of job-searching together and instead of being professionals and getting shit done....we ended up just driving around and couldn't stop laughing at one another. I had never experienced that much fun with any other girl in my life! At first I didn't really know her well but after spending the entire day with her looking for jobs, I realized that we had so much in common and I just couldn't get over how much fun it was to hang out with her. From that day on you would never ever see one of us without the other. Soon EVERYONE at school noticed how tight we were and suddenly people just wanted to hang out with us because we always seemed to have so much fun and was always laughing about stuff....but of course....we didn't really hang out with anybody else. It was just perfect with Carol and I....just the two of us...best friends forever.......POT HEADS I can still remember exactly how Carol and I became MAJOR pot heads in highschool. One day afterschool Carol came over to my house and nobody was home and we were bored. Then I remembered that I still had a blunt from some dude and we decided to smoke it in my backyard. Holy shit man I was sooooooooooo stoned! Actually we were both soooooo stoned and I could not stop laughing to save my life! I don't know how but we ended up watching Chich and Chong and I just remember that I couldn't stop laughing cuz everything was so slow and funny. Then I kept stuffing my face with twinkies and candy while Carol was zoning out in her own world. Then the craziest thing happened after that. I was so stoned that I decided to call up some random people to just blab about who knows what? I remember Carol was in my bedroom. After I got off the telephone I walked into my bedroom and the most awkward thing happened. Carol was doing something strange and she had this white gooey stuff all over her. She looked at me puzzled as my mind was in a major state of confusion. Then she says to me, "Oh shit...my bad I just busted a nut all over myself!"The moment she said that I remember my mind went into this massive hurricane and I was more lost than ever. My thoughts were zooming by so fast because I thought she really was masturbating and came on herself and that put me in a very awkward position. But before my thoughts could get away from me any more than it was she just started laughing and said to me, "Relax...it's just lotion fool!" HAHAHAHAHA! From that moment on I thought she was the coolest fucken girl that I had ever met in my entire life! We were never apart for more than a few hours because we were that fucken tight.......BEST FRIENDS? As time moved on, Carol and I became insanely close and inseparable. Not a day would pass by where we didn't hang out, laugh, and have a good time together. I remember once when we didn't see each other just for 2 days, Carol went out and bought me a card saying that she missed me! I thought it was hilarious! Actually, we both thought it was pretty hilarious that we had gotten that close that we couldn't let 2 days pass us without missing one another. It was great!Carol and I were such best friends that I remember people started wondering about us. They started asking questions like, "Are you two dating?"Of course we were like, "Are you kidding us?" But deep down inside somewhere, someway, somehow, I knew that I started to have feelings for her. I mean, at that point, she was the only person in the whole world that I loved so much. So yes, I started falling in love with my best friend, Carol, but of course, I didn't want to say anything to her about it......yet.......03/21/05So time went by and Carol and I were still having such a great time hanging out together, but soon things got a bit tense between us. I could tell that Carol was also started to have feelings for me as well, but again, I didn't want to say anything about it because I was worried that I would ruin our friendship. Then one night Carol and I hung out the entire night and didn't even sleep until the sun came out. We were at a friend's house and everyone was already asleep except for the 2 of us. We went on the balcony to watch the sunrise and have a cigarette together. We were just talking about stuff when all of a sudden Carol said to me that she had something to tell me. Then as she was talking she started choking on her own words and she looked as if she was having a really hard time saying something to me. So I helped her out by saying, "What is it? You're falling for me, aren't you???"The moment I said that, Carol started tearing up and said, "Yes!"I'm not sure why she started crying, but I'm thinking that because she was so overwhelmed by all the feelings and the newness of it all....with being with another girl and whatnot. So then I told her, "Well...me too...."From that moment on we had a special little moment that nobody else knew about. We didn't speak of it again until I saw her the next day. We went to this really beautiful lake where there were Swans and ducks swimming around and was really quiet. I remember her face and how beautiful she looked that day with her pretty, curly, black hair tied back in a bun with a few strands of curls falling down her neck. She looked so happy and glowing....but then again....I was too! Then we started talking about "US" some more and it was strange, but at the same time very exciting. We are now starting to get into something far beyond our control.......and it was great!We both started walking back to the car giggling like little girls who had crushes on one another. Then Carol said to me while she was giggling, "Aww I wish I could hold your hand right now." Then I started to giggle as well and then we go to my car.So I drove Carol home and we were both glowing and full of summertime dreams and surprises! Before she got out of my car she leaned over and gave me a quick kiss on the lips and ran into her house.....I was left in my car alone and stunned! At the same time I was floating on a cloud higher than I had ever been in my life! It was amazing!---------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------05/06/05The next day Carol and I had another talk about "us" and said that maybe we shouldn't be doing this because it's just not right. We tried to deny what was happening because maybe we were both so scared and confused....yet at the same time our feelings for one another just kept on growing. So we just kept on pretending like there was nothing going on between us, but that charade didn't last longer than a day. Soon we decided that we were going to just go ahead and follow our hearts. Nobody had to know about it......boy....we sure didn't know what was going to hit us....I was now a senior in highschool working at Old Navy for $6.00 an hour. On top of that I was trying really hard to juggle school, work, AND a new girlfriend. Carol on the other hand, had already graduated the previous year and was now working as a stripper. I used to drop her off and pick her up late at night at her work. I remember I used to get so upset when I saw guys talking to her at her work and I would get extremely jealous. I hated the fact that she was a stripper. When we were just friends I didn't give a damn...but now that I loved her, for some odd reason just the thought of another man groping her body or being able to see her dancing for them topless drove me crazy! I guess I'm just pretty crazy regardless and this situation didn't help me much.Time passed and slowly our once beautiful friendship started turning into a nightmare! I was sooo....soooo sick all the time....and when I say sick, I mean love sick. My mind was always on Carol. Everything I did, I did it for her. In time we started to fight, so...soooo...so much and it would always hurt. At this point I just wanted my best friend back, but now it's too late to go back. We had already taken away our lost innocence. I think the problem was that my feelings for her became so extremely intense(unlike anything that I had ever felt) and for her it was more like something fun and different....more like experimental. The thought of that drove me insane. I couldn't stand it anymore. I was sick. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I just worked, thought about Carol, went to school, thought about Carol, and everything was now about Carol. I became so sick that I only weighed a sickening 87 pounds!!!!!So one day, after Carol and I had been fighting a lot, I called her and found out that she was hanging out with her other best friend....let's call her.....Emily. I got so jealous of Emily! I think it was because Carol and I used to be inseparable and now things have changed. I felt as if Emily was trying to take my place. That was it....I just snapped and broke up with Carol. I never even looked back. Didn't say another word. Didn't leave behind a trail. I just left silently. I think that is what hurt Carol the most. I could have done it in a different way, but what can I say? I'm a scorpion. We are the most loyal people you will ever meet and within' the sting of my stinger....everything changes. Cold....like ice. You will never even see it coming.So I didn't call or talk to Carol for a week. Then I see her for the first time at one of my friend's birthday party. We didn't acknowledge one another, but I can see it in her eyes that she was hurt. Me on the other hand...I had become a hostile and vindictive woman. I had no heart left and no feelings. That was that. The next morning I woke up and found a picture of Carol and I that was taken when we were still best friends....before all the heartbreak and confusion came into play. The photo was put in the crack of my car window. On the back of the photo was a note from Carol. It read: "I miss us"For an instant I was sad. Not because I missed Carol as my girlfriend, but because I truly did miss us when we were just best friends. So I decided to go over to Carol's house. I rang the doorbell and Carol opens the door, looks at me, and bursts out into tears as she lunges forward to hug me...I wanted to cry as well because I knew what she was feeling. Our dear friendship was now lost and never to be as it was...ever again....... SENIOR YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL Now that all that confusing and heartbreaking bestfriend/lesbian stuff is out of the way I was on my own once again. It was my last year in highschool and I just wanted to do everything that I could to get the hell out of there and move on with my life! I was ready to become my own individual and find my own way in life....out there in the real world. By this time I was finally getting all my shit together and passing all my classes. I just stayed focused on being in school.Time passes and everything seems to be getting back to normal....until that is......yes....I found myself a nice little "booty call." You know, one of those things you have with someone where you guys just have sex, but there is no relationship. Yea...I had myself a great booty call! hahaha! I figured it was actually perfect since I was pretty busy and didn't have time to focus on another relationship....but having great sex in your life without that drama was definitely good!Let's call this one.....Joshua. Yea....so Joshua and I actually already had this weird story behind how we met. Let me quickly give you a brief on how it all happened:HOW JOSHUA AND I INITIALLY MET I actually met Joshua 2 years before when I was about 16 and he was about 20 or 21. We all went out one night with some neutral friends and we all did some massive excstacey and you know...naturally Joshua and I ended up making out the entire night all the way til 9 am when we went back to his house. So everyday after that we would hang out and make-out and our chemistry and connection was amazing!!!!!!!! I couldn't get enough of him and he couldn't get enough of me....I think we were really starting to like each other....but then all of a sudden I decided that I was going to leave Houston and go to NYC....remember how I was telling you earlier about how I ran away when I was 16 and went to NYC??? Yea well this is around that same time. So I left for a few months and by the time I came back....Joshua was no longer around.....I then found out that he had met someone else and had a new girlfriend....so after that I never saw him or spoke to him again.....BACK TO OUR STORY: Anyway..back to our story. So how did Joshua and I re-connect and meet once again? Well one night I went out with some friends and we were all smoking pot when I see this very familiar face....well what do ya know? It's Joshua!!! I hadn't seen or talked to him in 2 years!!! It was actually a very nice surprise! So of course we had the typical, "Hey...how's it going? How are you? Where have you been?" Kind of talk but there was definitely something still there between us.I didn't give him my number but a few days later he called me. He got my number from another friend of ours. It was such a nice surprise! So we decided to hang out again for the first time in 2 years and we talked about what happened between us. He told me he was sorry that he didn't tell me he had another girlfriend when went I went to NYC, but I told him it was ok since I was the one who left in the midst of it all without a warning. By this time I was already a changed person though. I was no longer the 16 year old druggie that he met a few years ago...I was now an 18 year old pot head! hahahahaha!So one day we hung out again and started making out just like old times...but this time before we got any further I stopped and told him that I didn't want a relationship and all I wanted was a booty call. I told him that he was not allowed to fall in love with me or have any emotional attachments. All we were going to do was call each other up whenever we wanted to have sex....and that's the way things went for a long long time.......we went on bootycalling on and off for the entire year.....--------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------06/09/05So I was just having the time of my life with my highschool graduation nearing and my wonderful booty call. It was pretty cool because nobody knew about him. He was my naughty little secret and I liked it that way! Sometimes I'd leave school early and drive over to his house and rape him while he's still asleep. I got into the house because he had given me a key, which I must say was a very smart move! haha!So time passes on and I slowly start to notice a change in the way Joshua was acting towards me. I knew instantly that he had fallen in love with me and believe it or not, that actually made me feel uncomfortable. I was not ready for a relationship at that time no matter who you were! So one night after sex he was just laying in bed staring at the ceiling....looking like he was deep in thought. At that moment I straight out asked him, "You've fallen in love with me, haven't you?"Then he looked over at me, knowing that he had broken the rules and our agreement not to have feelings, and just kept quiet for a second...then he said, "YES"Once I knew the truth I didn't feel like our booty call was fun anymore. It wasn't naughty. It wasn't a deep, dark, and dirty little secret. How could it be if he was in love with me? So one day afterschool he picked me up and I told him, "Look...we can't do this anymore...I'll call you."At that instant he showed me a side of him that I had never seen before. He just went balistic! He just kept crying and begging me not to go. I didn't know what to do!!! The more he did that the more I wanted to leave because I felt so suffocated! I just remember thinking to myself, "How did I get myself into this situation and how the hell do I get out of it?"Well......the funny thing is.....I never really got out of it. With Joshua's consistency in pursuing me, I eventually fell in love with him in time and finally became his "GIRLFRIEND" a few more months down the line. I had no idea what was going to happen that would pretty much change my life.....--------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------07/12/05"THE" RELATIONSHIP THAT DID IT ALL!I would have to say that the first few months of my official relationship with Joshua was actually pure bliss, but then again...isn't it always like that for the first 6 months with everybody? It always starts off so fucken amazing! Just like a fairytale everything is perfect! Tons of affection, tons of great sex, and tons of trust. Then you all of a sudden forget about all of your friends, family, and everything else that mattered in your life before you fell in love....right? Well...that was exactly what happened to me and hey...I was happy so it was all good....I was with Joshua 24/7. I practically moved into his house and all we ever did was rent movies, go grocery shopping, have sex and eat. That was pretty much all we did....ALL THE TIME....until of course one day I started to get really tired of it.I remember wanting to break things off with Joshua after the first 6 months of being with him. I just wasn't ready for that type of relationship and comitment yet.....but I ended up staying with him for the next 2 and a half years! Let me tell you guys something....it is pretty fucken hard to leave someone when everytime you try to leave them, they pull out a fucken gun and sit in front of your door with the gun in their mouth and threatening to blast their fucken brains out if you leave them!!! Well....that is pretty much the story of the rest of my relationship with Joshua! It was one of the most abusive, violent, and hurtful relationships that I had ever been in in my entire life! This will always be the relationship that scarred me for the rest of my life and I will never forget it...but I am definitely happy that I finally got out of it after 2 and a half years! I'm not sure I will be able to share everything that happened to me in this relationship but I will try my best to share some of the things that happened.It has probably already been about a year into this unhealthy relationship and I had already graduated highschool. I finally got enough money to move into my very first apartment all on my own when I was about 18 or so. I was so happy and excited to be on my own! Independence! So anyway I remember one night I decided to hang out with about 3 or 4 of my really good guy friends. These guys were all really good friends of mine and I hardly get to see them since Joshua was always such a violent and jealous guy, but one night Joshua went out with some of his friends so I took the opportunity to hang with mine. We were all just hanging out at my house while I made everyone pork chops....well....I mean...TRIED to cook pork chops! haha! Anyway...we were all having a great time when suddenly Joshua calls me and finds out that I had 4 of my guy friends at my house and freaked out! I got so fucken pissed off that this motherfucker was trying to take away my freedom and totally suffocating me and would not let me leave him! So I just started yelling at him on the phone and cursing him out! All of my friends heard me yelling and got worried because they knew what a crazy fucker Joshua was! One of my best friends that was there was really worried about me and told me that he had a feeling Joshua was coming over soon. Sure enough, about 20 minutes later...Joshua came banging insanely on my front door! I didn't want to let him into my apartment because I knew he would be extremely irrational and violent, but at the same time he was making such a racket outside that I didn't want to wake all of my neighbors because they will call the cops....they've called the cops on us many times before because of Joshua.So I decide to finally open the door and Joshua comes bursting in my home, full of unnecessary rage! I don't remember much after that because I was running on pure adrenaline from being so scared for my friend's lives! I didn't know what Joshua was going to do, but we all knew that he was crazy! And sure enough....Joshua then pulls out a gun and starts pointing it at all of my friends...yelling frantically to everybody! I was so scared and so fucken angry at the same time! I just wanted to take the gun out of Joshua's hand and shoot him 10 times in his face! I was such an emotional wreck! All of my friends were so scared and one of them tried to call his girlfriend, but then Joshua points the gun at him and says, "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING? PUT THE PHONE DOWN!"Then my friend says, "I'm just calling my girlfriend...relax I just wanted to see where she was!"I just remember crying and being so hysterical....I don't remember much after that because everything was a blurr.....I don't remember how it all ended but I'm pretty sure at some point I probably calmed Joshua down and tried to convince him to let all of my friends go. You know what's crazy though? That is not even the craziest stories that involved my relationship with Josh! So I suffered a VERY long time being in this relationship! I wanted to get out so bad, but like I said...everytime I tried....Josh would come waving his gun around and force me to stay with him. I only stayed because I didn't want anybody to die! Things got so out of hand....---------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------11/10/05My SaviorWhenever things went so bad in my life, which it often did...there was only 1 other person in the world who I could turn to. Someone who understood me on such a deep, deep level...someone who could mend my broken heart and kiss my sorrows goodbye....and that someone was an old friend of mine. Let's just call him....Sebastian. Sebastian and I met when we were both 15 years old. I can remember that very first moment we met quit clearly.I was 15 years old, and as usual was out partying at a 21 and up nightclub with all of my older, cooler, highschool friends. The club was jam packed full of crazy people dancing the night away! I remember standing on top of the stairway that led you from the bottom of the dancefloor up to the bar area. I was standing right up front, dancing with all of my girlfriends. I remember wearing a very tight, corset-like, cream-colored, cleavage-cutting, babydoll top along with very tight black, low-rise, bell bottoms. In other words....even though at 15, I was still dressing very sexy.....and danced as though a slivering snake slithering through your body...yep...that was me.The club was filled with smoke and loud music....everything was great then suddenly I felt this strange and very intense energy all around me. I wasn't quite sure of what it was, but I damn well remember what it felt like. It was as though someone suddenly put a magnetic force around me and sucked me into a black hole. So I looked over to my right and then and there in that moment... everyone else were just slow-moving shadows as Sebastian emerged through the crowd...staring at me so intensely that I couldn't see anything or anyone else. As our eyes locked on one another it felt like years before I could pull out of his magic spell that he had put on me that instant. So I looked away not realizing that within that moment.....this stranger in the night whom I had just locked eyes with would have a very, very important role to play in my life.....as my savior