Dave profile picture

Dave

Runs with scissors

About Me

I'm really quite the catch! I am missing an eye, part of a leg and various appendages. The good leg has a club foot, but don't worry I can still shake a leg with the best of them. I have trouble reading and pronouncing words with multiple syllables. I am self centered, arrogant, untrustworthy and stab people in the back whenever possible. I am prone to embarrassing and disruptive behavior especially around your family, friends and co-workers. I often emit a pungent and unexplainable odor. Kind of a bad chicken and curdled milk smell, but don't worry you'll get used to it after a month or so. I am lethargic and unmotivated - so you will have to pay my way wherever we go. I am an active individual - I walk to the mail box and to fridge daily! However, my diet has me gaining weight exponentially. My one friend(that my family pays to talk to me)has given me the nickname 'Lucky'.

My Interests

Dwarf tossing, crocheting hemp underwear, C-Span, star wars collectables, booger flicking

I'd like to meet:

I talked to the voices in my head and we decided that the IDEAL match would be a 5'10" Nymphomaniac supermodel, who owns her own brewery and liquor store, father owns a golf coarse and marina, has access to tickets for sporting events and concerts, has an 'open-minded' twin sister, only shops at Victoria's Secret and she thinks it's cute when I fart and smoke cigars! but, realistically I am searching for an equally pathetic and sordid woman! I usually go for the jaded, uneducated, grotesquely disfigured, simple types. You know the ones I'm talking about. The real dim ones. The kind of a woman that makes you wish you had 2 sets of hands so you could give her four thumbs down. Of coarse she should be a big-un - not rubenesque - bigger - a real concrete breaker. The kind of girl you pick up for a date in a dump truck. And you know I like them sweaty! A woman that sweats- not just when exercising- I mean when sitting still. She should sweat like a sprinkler system. She's gotta be hairy- lots of hair...I mean EVERYWHERE, hands, back, face, chest - More or less a bigfoot with boobs! I know my dream primate is out there somewhere for me....So if your reading this take those hairy pudgy digits and drop me a line monkey girl!

Music:

Pretty Eclectic I'll listen to anything - but 80 percent of the time it's some form of rock - Stones(favorite), STP, Alice in Chains, Motley Cru, Kiss, Joe Jackson, Traffic, Kid Rock, Metalica, Elton John, Beach Boys, CDB, Skynard,Billy Joel etc. you ge the idea.

Movies:

One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, Any thing Monty Python, Blazing Saddles, Wedding Crashers, American Pie, Unforgiven ,South Park the movie, Shrek 1&2,basically any thing funny.

Television:

Don't watch that much TV but when I do....South Park, Cheplle Show, NFL Network, sport center, News, Rescue Me, The Shield, Seinfield, Curb your Enthusiasm.

Books:

Who has time.......

Heroes:

My parents