And I cry to myself a silent tear

My name is Nathan and I'm 17. I'm about 5'10 and 150lbs. I've a been a Christian my entire life. The whole thing. It's been one of the only mainstays in my life. Friends and everything else have come and gone, but my faith has always been there. I have a lot of issues. A lot of problems. I work through them little by little, but it's usually not fast enough and they all build up pretty bad. It's very angerfying. Let's see, my entire life I've had pretty much the same friends. I add a couple here and there, but I have a bunch of mainstays that have just always been there. They're awesome kids. Couldn't ask for better friends. I really couldn't. That's about it for me. I play sports too. But not much else. That's my life in a nutshell, cuz that's just how I rock it.
My Boys
Justin- This is the guy who holds me together. Whenever I have a problem, he’s there. Not only is he willing to listen, but he wants to hear it, and he wants to be involved. He’s helped me through more crap than you would believe. Every time something goes wrong, he listens and without fail, he is always right about what I should do. I’d be dead without him. The other thing that I love about this guy is his passion. When you see the passion with which he conducts his life , you can’t help but stand in awe. It’s truly amazing. Always pushing hard for what’s right, and if he goes wrong, he’s pushing hard for the solution. I really do wish that I had just a little piece of that passion. Just a piece. He’s pure inspiration. Thank you, Justin. I love you man. I really do.
Greg- I’ve known this guy forever. He’s my rock. He’s always there and he never changes: he’s always strong, always assertive, always ready to help. And he never pries into your life. He waits for me to be ready to talk to him. He’ll see that something is wrong, so he comes over and prays for me, but he doesn’t ask about it, he just prays and waits for me to talk to him, but if I don’t, he’s cool with that too. Always there, but he never pushes. He has a tender heart that cares and he’s also very conscious of not pushing issues that don’t need to be pushed. But if it does need to be pushed, he will push it and push it and push it. He lives a life saturated with morals, but doesn’t let those morals bias him against people. He hates their sins, but loves them all the same. I can’t emphasize enough how solid he is. He just never wavers. And everything is balanced perfectly in his life. It’s fantastically amazing. You’re great. Thank you for always being strong when I couldn’t be.
Evan- Evan is our resident heterosexual homosexual. He’s hilarious. He’s very, very straight, but he’s able to play around with us and mess with us. It’s a sight to behold, let me tell you. But after he’s done with that, the boy knows how to buckle down and be serious. He’s got such a heart for God, it’s amazing. I haven’t seen that kind of heart in many people. He lives in the shadow of his older siblings though, Greg and Melinda. And I have to say, he deserves so much better. He’s so overshadowed that a lot of people write him off, but guys, he’s got so much to offer, I can’t even tell you. He really does deserve so much better. So much better. He’s different and misunderstood a lot of the time I think, but he’s got a special place in my life and in my heart. He’s a good friend with good intentions, and I couldn’t ask for more. A lot of times, he doesn’t have a medium to get those good intentions out there though, I don’t know why. I think that’s why I feel as close to him as I do. We’re both confused and wandering. Thank you for helping me through.
Phillip- Phillip is our master of random. It’s great watching him confuse everyone (mostly me) with some crazy comment that you think is supposed to make sense, but secretly he knows that it’s not supposed to. Only a select group can figure it out most of the time. He’s also able to buckle down in an incredible way. I’ve seen him go from more on the shy side, to a wild dancing crazy man. He’s got that fire. It takes him on stage to speak, and it takes him into some crazy new dance steps, and it’s turned him into a man that I’m proud to call my friend. He’s doesn’t show emotion the same as most people. He’s much more reserved about it, and sometimes it’s hard to tell whether he just tolerates me or if he actually calls me friend, but when he does say something about how he feels about you, it’s exciting. It really is just exciting when you hear it from Phil. He puts it out there so rarely that it’s gold, and I’ve learned to cherish it. His criticisms are also very good. I love getting his criticisms because they help me grow in an amazing way. They are so well-placed and so true. Thank you so much for being my friend Phillip. I know I’m not always the greatest friend. In fact I rarely am, so thank you.
Darren- This man inspires me all over the place. He’s a wonderful father, a great husband, and an amazing worship leader. He has an incredible fire for God. When he speaks he gets tears in his eyes and I love his heart. He corners me on things that I need to be cornered on, and I owe him a lot for that. Where I’m at with my faith is largely due to his guidance. When I got into his cell group, he gave me an ultimatum: either I choose God and straighten up, or I choose the world and get out. And it was every bit that harsh in person if not more so. That was the real turning point for me. And I owe it all to him. I can’t even imagine where I’d be or for that matter, who I’d be if it weren’t for this amazing mentor and more than that, amazing friend. I hope someday I’ll be worthy of the title of “friend” to him. He is probably the most influential person that I have ever had the honor to know. I love you, bro.
Chris- Ah, the comic relief in my life. This kid always has a great joke to cheer me up. Even when we talk about something really serious, we sit around and make fun of it for at least an hour after we’re done. He’s always ready to get into trouble with me, and then, of course, complain when we actually get in trouble, or when we don’t get in trouble he complains about how scared he was. Not that we do anything really bad, but we don’t have to, I mean, have you met our parents? I spend enough time with him that I call his mom “mom”. Not only do I do that, but she wants me to, because “Mrs. Searle” is too formal for how much time we spend together. Anyways, this kid is my best friend, and he keeps me going day to day. He doesn’t really know, but just our little talks that we have walking around campus every day are my favorite part of the day. I look forward to it more than anything else. ”And that’s the truth……. with some cheese on it”. Just remember one thing for me, because sometimes you scare me a little bit: I think you’re going to do some of the same stupid stuff that I’ve done. Just remember one thing that you told me once. “I though I had all the answers and I just don’t.” That thought right there will save your life. I love ya kid.
Nathan (Yeti)- This kid is great. It seems like he’s never down, and on the rare count that he is, he bounces back so fast you wouldn’t believe. It’s like Superman. He has an incredible resilience to him and I, who have none, admire him so much for it. You’re my Superman Nate, and you always will be. And I can’t leave out that he’s freaking hilarious, but this kid rocks my socks with his sense of humor. His life and the choices he makes astound me all the time. He does things that I would never expect. And I mean that in the best possible way. And not to embarrass him or anything, but dude, I love the tenderness of this guy’s heart. He’s not afraid to cry and that’s something that isn’t very common among men. I really respect you for that. I love you, man. I do. Don’t forget it. I’m here for you whenever. You can even hide out at my house if you really need to. ;)
My Boys- These guys are the driving force behind my life. They drive me to do things that I would never have done otherwise and they keep me strong. And they’re even fun to hang out with too. Imagine that. I can’t say thank you to you guys enough. I really can’t. I’d be dead without you guys, and I mean that literally. You guys have helped me through more than you will ever know, and I love you more than you could ever imagine. Read 1 Sam. 1:26. You’ll get the basic idea.
My Girls
Carissa- Carissa is one of those untouchables. One of those people that you love so much it hurts. She's one of those people that is so amazing, she actually makes you cry. I remember one time, when we cam back from ATF and she wanted to share with the youth group. She told a story about a video we saw about missions. The story she told was about an Indian girl, who was a slave and her family wouldn’t ever be able to buy her back because they would never have enough money. The price of the girl’s freedom was a little over 13 dollars. I just remember the tears in Carissa’s eyes as she spoke about it. It brings tears to my eyes now. She was so heartbroken for someone she didn’t even know. I’ll never forget that day. She has such a pure heart and such a profound love that it astonishes me every day. And out of that comes this smile. You can’t imagine this smile. It’s like an angel. It sounds cliché but I’m not even joking. It’s so beautiful and pure and clean and rich, and so full of joy and love that you can’t help but smile back. I don’t know how else to sum her up. I love Carissa, probably more than anyone else that I have ever known. She is always there, and always perfect. I don't even know how, but the way I love her is completely natural to me. There's nothing awkward about it. Even with my parents, there's something awkward about how I love them. Just Carissa and my sister can make me feel completely at ease with the love I have for them. And yet, the way I feel about Carissa crosses no bounds of friendship, no lines that shouldn't be crossed. It's completely as friends. I don't understand how God could make a love like that, but for some reason, I don't care. I am so comforted by it that it doesn't matter. I love you Carissa. Love in the afternoon.
Shayna- Shayna and I have some, well, we'll say problems. We've had kind of an ongoing argument for about two years now. It's always about different things and none of it really matters, but we fight about it anyways. The issues seem to dissipate over time and change to new ones, but we're always at odds about something. I think I finally figured it out though. Without exposing either of us too much, I'd like to say why. I've done some things to Shayna that were absolutely horrible and I hurt her very deeply. I don't think she harbors any animosity about it, but all the same, it still plays a part in our relationship. She's afraid that I'll hurt her again, and to tell the truth, there is nothing I am more afraid of, myself. We've always been somewhat close, but oh my God, you have no idea how much I envy what other people have with her. The way she lights up when certain people walk into a room with her. Things I'll never see again from her. It's weird. But I love her all the same, and I'll tell you why: Shayna is one of the most amazingly wonderful people that I have ever met in my life. Shayna has her own rhythm to life. She moves to her own beat, no one else’s. What she does she makes her own. Nothing that she does will ever be able to be duplicated. Her humor is hers and if you try to steal it, it just doesn’t work. She dances her own way, walks her own way, talks her own way. Shayna is just Shayna. Shayna is also one of the best people that I have ever known. She loves deeper, fights harder, holds tighter, and feels stronger than just about anyone I know. She loves with almost unsurpassed passion and an immeasurable vigor for life. It is truly astounding to see. I love her to death, even if that is simply because I know no other way to be. There are very few peole that I look up to as much as Shayna, or that I admire as much. Uncompromising passion marks her life. Even if I hated her, I'd have to respect her. But I do love her and I just can't stop.
Mary- Mary is one of my favorite people. She has a quiet vigor. Here’s what I mean by that. She is very quiet, but she has a passion for living and a passion for God. She’s also my guitar teacher. It’s probably more of just sitting down and messing around on guitar with her, but we’ll call it lessons. She has a quiet grace and beauty to just the way she speaks too. It’s fun just to watch her talk. I immensely enjoy being in her company.
Sydney- Sydney is one of the coolest people that I know. She’s one of those people that I could talk to about stuff that I told no one else, not even Justin or Darren or Chris or anyone. The deepest of the dark secrets and she was always there to listen. We haven’t really talked much lately. We’ve drifted apart a lot, just because we hang around different people. But I still love her to death. She’s got a very special place in my heart, because she was there for stuff I couldn’t tell anyone else and she was so easy to talk to. So easy to relate my life to. I’m so sorry that we aren’t really good friends anymore. I miss her a lot. She was a mainstay in my life and before I knew it she was gone. I love you Syd. Remember that.
Amy- I probably know Amy the least of anyone on this list, but even so, she’s impacted my life a lot. She’s changed my perspective of people and proved to me that you can’t judge people before you know them. We’ve had some talks that have really opened my eyes to a lot of things. She just makes sense to me. Perfect sense. At least most of the time. And that is something that I can say about very few people. I understand Amy and it helps me understand how I relate to other people and just the world around me. And she has a childlike innocence that makes me smile and brightens up my life. She’s just great.
My Girls - These girls are my quiet support. They’re more like behind the scenes people. It’s more of the day to day that I rely on them for. They keep my walk solid and when I stumble they pick me up. When I stutter, they “untie my tongue”. You guys have been a huge part of my life. I don’t know what else to say. You guys have made life bearable for me. I love you guys.