Hello, my name is Domenico ‘Alfonso’ Clores (pronounced do-ming-aw klorrr-esss) until recently I lived a simple life and worked in Needlestrum Von Finkleberg as a Swedish prawn fisherman. In 2004 I won the inaugural Prawn Idol competition and was spotted by an ITV executive and given the new name of Gino D’campo in order to become an international catering personality.
My father is called David Dickinson and is 9 times Naked Tour de France champion, in his honour the French government erected a 12ft solid bronze statue of his balls outside the Nacionel academie de bicycleta. My mother is from Mozambique, she now works as Bruce Forsyth’s body double on strictly come dancing, although her previous occupations include, camel reproduction technician for the Egyptian army, West Mozambique bobsleigh coach, and premiership goalkeeper. She met my father when they were holidaying in Chad in 1923. I have two identical twin brothers, both called Vincenzo, although I have never seen them in the same room at the same time.
I enjoy playing football but my real passion is cricket, I hold the record for fastest throw and biggest hit in the same season in Sweden, and earlier this year I was voted the most complete cricketer on the planet Wisden Cricket magazine described me as having; ‘The grace of a male swan, the hair of Carlos Puyol and the penis of Shaka Hislop’.
I suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder and tie my shoelaces on average 6 times a minute. I have won several awards for my ability to rap and beat box at the same time (I also have the ability to rap in English, Italian and Swahili simultaneously), my most recent, and proudest award was being voted ‘Biggest Mash up MC in Milton Keynes’ by an audience of literally around 17 people, this was presented to me by the one and only Big Dogg, Segger! I also produced and recorded the whole soundtrack to the film Top Gun using only the implements I found in my kitchen.
In 2001 scientists discovered that I was the only human in the world who had over 75% the genetic make up of a squirrel. This breakthrough has allowed squirrels everywhere to learn English and perform basic human skills such as cooking spaghetti Bolognese. As part of my sisters recent science project my family has been living in an igloo in Moldova, we have been forced to survive using only the rawest of ingredients, these being; wheat, cows and Philadelphia cheese.
My undoubted natural beauty has often been compared to that of a young Kevin Keegan, and in recognition of this, Kevin has recently adopted a monkey and called it John. My motto in life is, and will always be; ‘Never count your chickens after you have not looked before u leapt’ This refers to a sick Poultry farming accident in Sarajevo in 1992 where I unfortunately mutilated 12 innocent birds playing leap frog…but I believe it applies to everyday life well. I hope u have enjoyed this brief outline of my life, if there is anything more you would like top learn from me, feel free to add a comment to my already bulging page.
P.s, Comments will be deleted if the commenter is not, a) extremely good-looking, b) extremely funny, or c) the comment does not enlighten my life somehow.
