Nottingham , England . 2005 - about tea time.
Today I went to the heart of the wonderful cess pool I live in, named Arnold . Oh the joys of venturing forth into the unknown! The sound of Mac Donalds debris scuttling across the slimy concrete pavement! The rich aroma of body odour and ciggarettes! The way people look at you as if they would like nothing better to rend you from limb to limb, and then sell your kidneys on ebay!
I JUST LOVE SHOPPING HERE!
There is so much to buy! Burberry caps! Burberry jackets, T-shirts, jeans and G-strings! Sometimes I wonder why there is nothing BUT burberry, but then I realise burberry is the height of coolness.
The people are wonderful! Morbidly obese deformed teenage girls panting as they desperately jog to the next cheapo fashion shop! Short men with greasy hair greeting you in the street - saying such things as WATCH IT MATE OR I'LL PUNCH YA LIGHTS AAT' or YOU STARTIN' MATE?'.
The facilities are excellent! When entering a toilet, you are immediately hit by the rich earthly scent of regurgitated Mac Donald happy meals! Faeces strewn across the floor, soaked in salty urine - creating a miniature landscape that truly captivates the mind! Eventually, after the initial enjoyment, you reach the lavatory itself! BLISS! The toilet seat is caped in vomit, and there is no toilet paper left - all the more natural and eco-friendly! Before you leave, be sure to admire the cottage-hole in the cubicle that gay men use to roger each other anonymously! And REMEMBER - clean your hands using the taps which don't work!
Before moving to the next section, be sure to visit the KIDS SAFETY CENTRE! Parents can leave their tiny-chavs in this secure UNSUPERVISED location, comforted by the fact that this is a KIDS SAFETY CENTRE. Surely nothing could happen here? Of course, if you're a paedophile, feel free to take your choice from the broad range of bawling infants wearing burberry clothing!
The wildlife is breathtakingly broad and varied, provided you like to see MacDonald's nourished pidgeons, waddling about barely sustaining their immense body weight! If you feel like it, kick one and see how the pidgeon is incapable of flying, hitting the ground and breaking its fat neck!
Your trip is almost over, and you must now be positively lactating happiness! Simply walk to the ticket machine, pushing and shoving the other greasy participants in the queue! If you manage to get to the ticket machine within an hour, without losing any vital organs, congratulate yourself!
AND! If you're really lucky, your car will have been stolen by chavs! If not, you'll probably collide with a done-up ford fiesta driven by elite driving chavs and chavettes!
A small tale of 5 People in the fight against Nazis, emos, rasists, and ROB
Act 1 Scene 1
[Ollie and Joe are walking home after a day of successfully owning some mini moshers]
Ollie: Joe thou ist cool
Joe: Ollie I lovest thee!
Ollie: LOLLETH, ist thou gay?
Joe: I AM!
Ollie: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Act 1 Scene 2
[Jonty THE MESSENGER ARRIVES, EVEN THOUGH HIS NAME BADGE SAYS MOHAMMED]
Jonty: LO THERE NOOBZ
Ollie: LO Mix master J, do you bring news from King Cuppeh?
Jonty: I DOETH! The king declares you both chief Emo Bashers and that you should both meet him at CUP CASTLE for hot secsx!
Joe: OK!
Jonty: K lets go.
[after MANY MINUTES TRAVELLING THE TRIO REACH THE CARDBOARD GATES OF CASTLE CUP]
Ollie: Let us ringeth thy doorbell
Jonty: I agreeth.
Joe: Im gay!
Ollie: THE DOOR IS OPENING
Act 1 Scene 3
[the door opens and King Cup is sitting in his semi-gothic robes of state, while holding a big SPLIFF]
Ollie: LO CUPPETH
Cup: LO NOOBZ
Joe: HOWDY DOODLES ( puts head phones in and starts dancing )
Jonty: I need a line cos for the rest of the play im pretty insignificant.
Ollie: No Problem!
Cup: Joe, Ollie, Jonty - YOU HAVE BOTH BEEN VERY GOOD PWNERS OF Mini Moshers and Emo Peepz and thus you are now my princes. BUT I CHOOSE Ollie TO BE KING BECAUSE HE HAS THE LONGEST PENIS, and is best in bed.
Ollie: Obviously I was the best choice!
Joe: nOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Jonty: MY PENIS IS SHORT!
Cup: it is
Joe: I agreeh!
Cup: Now let us sleep merrileh in my castle, which has no guards because im CHEAPO!, the weed is kept in the DUNGEONS.
Act 1 Scene 4
[SUDDENLY ROB ARRIVES ON HIS BIG SHEEP (he never managed to get that pimped up council car in the end)]
ROB: HELLO! I LIKE CARS ABIT TO MUCH!
Everybody: HURRAH!
ROB: ffs the USA is obviousli betta dan the UK ! Ne 1 who saiz different iz like gay!
Rob: I disagree, disconcertingly, the USA is almost on an exact parallel with the rising Roman Republic two millenia ago. Rabidly expansionist, yet still clinging to its isolationist core which has brought the nation its immense power.
[There is a large silence, broken by Ollie]
Ollie: Nobody cares rob.
Joe: YEA BUT THE USA HAS GOT MAC DONALDS
Ollie: PPL PLEASE WE MUST ALL LEARN TO CO-EXIST PEACEFULLY AND SMOKE CANNABOOS!
Cup (who is stoned): FUCK YES, and watch PORNOGRAPHEH!
ROB: NO WE MUST ALL LOOK TOWARDS AMERICAN PURITAN IDEALS AND INTERVENE IN WORLD POLITICS TO FURTHER OUR OWN ENDS!
Ollie: I DISAGREE AND WILL NOW STORM OUT RUDELY
ROB: You are all below me. I am the fuhrer. You will bow before me. I SHALL BEGIN THE FOURTH REICH! DEATH TO THE RACIAL MINORITEHS!
[Rob then inconveniently has a cardiac arrest]
ROB : IM WARNING U OLLIE, IF U DISAGREE WITH ME IM GONNA GET NASTEH!
Ollie: Whatever thou noob, I am goingst to beddeth!
Cup: And I am going for a stiff wank!
[Rob is left alone (possibely because nobody likes him)]
ROB: I HATE THEM ALL! I WILL WREAK MY REVENGE.
[ROB THINKS]
ROB : I HAVE A CUNNING PLAN, AND ITS AS HOT AS OLLIES PANTS.
[ROB goes to bed, while clutching a t00b of vaseline and a porno mag]
Act 1 Scene 5
[Rob gets out of his bed, still excited from his session with the german porn gods in the mag and picks up a blunt butter knife]
rob: I shall be KIIING!
[Rob approaches Joes room]
Joe(dreaming /wanking): OOOH DONT TOUCH ME THERE Jamie!
Rob: DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
[Rob stabs Joe fifty times and Joe dies of boredom]
Rob: NOW I MUST KILL Ollie!
[Rob creeps up to Ollies shag pad and stabs him lots of times]
Ollie: THOU BETRAYEST ME Rob!
Rob: OH NO I FEEL GUILTY
OLLIE: BIT LATE NOW U FUCKTARD
[Ollie dies, Rob cries a bit because he realises he's an emo fool and nobody likes him, then goes off and reaches cups door. Cup is awake because he's been smoking spliffs and acid and poppers. Rob prepares to stab cup.]
Rob: PREPARE TO DIE THEE NOOB!
[cup pulls out a desert eagle and shoots Rob to shit]
Cup: I WIN!
Rob: NOOOOOO!
AND SO CUP SURVIVED AND LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER SMOKING DOPE AND STORING HARDCORE GERMAN PORNOGRAPHY ON HIS FTP SITE!
The moral of this story is that Ollie is right and Rob is wrong, and Joe always gets killed in the process. Also, cup is a semi-gothic stoner.
Note none of the above is real life and should not be taken as such. Rob isn't really a nazi rasist and everyone diesent hate him, jonty doesn't really have a small penis ( sais sarah) and castle cup is a myth.