I was born on a cool November evening in an apple crate with an old blanket in it behind the shed… Oh wait, that was Shep, my dog. I was born the son of proud parents… hey wait, I never had a dog named Shep. My dog was called Frank, but I secretly called him Thunderbolt. But anyway, the truth is that my parents were pseudo-gray alien/humanoid hybrids with reptilian ancestry. I was hatched at a government nursery in Area 52 (which is not as popular as Area 51, but the food is much better) and my childhood was full of experiments and… Okay, I can see by that look on your face that you’re not believing a word of this. Okay, here’s the truth.
My father was a carpenter when I was a little girl running around with my sisters on the prairie, getting into all kinds of mischief. My arch-rival was a snobby little blond girl named Nellie Olsen… Oh wait; not me again. I drink a lot and sometimes get confused. But really, my father was a medic in the army. He was stationed at the 4077th MASH unit, with his friends BJ Honeycut and Frank Burns. They had many funny times. I remember them as if I was there, or saw them on TV. Those were the days. I was a smart-aleck little kid, always bothering my neighbor, Mr. Wilson. He would get so mad!
My brother’s name is Theodore, but I couldn’t pronounce his name when I was young, so we called him Beaver. Me and my buddy Eddie Haskel used to tease him. That was before we discovered girls. Then I dated this girl one summer, and I was really surprised when she went to my school the next year. She was a very proper girl and she left me stranded at the drive-in once, but by the end she dressed really cool, smoked a cigarette and told me I better shape up. I remember it as if I’d seen it a dozen times.
Then I met this girl who helped me out of a situation. We sang and danced and walked a long way along a brick road that was yellow. There was this old lady who hated her because she had these really cool shoes. Then we met this wizard guy and then she floated away in a balloon. I miss her. And that’s how I got to where I am today.
The End.
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