Ed - ProfilesArchive

About Me

If I had my way, I'd never work. I'd just stay home all day, watch Scarface 50 times, eat a turkey sandwich, and have sex all fucking day. Then I'd dress up like a clown, and surprise kids at schools. Then I'd take a dump in the back of a movie theater, and just wait until somebody sat in it. Hear it squish. That's funny to me. Then I'd paint, and read, and play violin. I'd climb the mountains, and sing the songs that I like to sing. But I don't got that kinda time.
The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it. (**OK- I gotta admit I stole the idea for this one from Nicole**)Andy Stitzer: I dated this girl for a while... she was really a... nasty freak. She just loved to... get down with... sex all the time. It was like... anytime of day... she was like, "Yeah, let's go! I'm so nasty!" And I'd be nailing her and she'd be like, "Oh, you're nailing me! cool!"Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. A brain a third the size of ours. It's sciencePeter La Fleur: I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal.
How evil are you?Then so many times, you practice in the mirror, to be just like me, but you just can't see, YOU AIN"T GOT THE BALLS SON! - PanterA - 'Regular People (Conceit)'
Otis B. Driftwood: Boy, the next word that comes out of your mouth better be some brilliant fuckin' Mark Twain shit. 'Cause it's definitely getting chiseled on your tombstone.~~ You Never Know What I Could Be Thinking About! I am 11% Metrosexual.
.. I need some advice. I need to STOP BUYING MY CLOTHES AT WAL-MART!!!! I will never land a decent woman unless I shave this nasty facial hair, and spend more then $5 on a haircut. Take the
Metrosexual Test
@ FualiDotComOtis: I am the devil, and I am here to do the devil's work.
Candy: What you lookin' at?
Otis: I'm lookin' at you, mama.
Candy: Yeah, you see something you like?
Otis: Maybe. I set my standards pretty low, so I'm never disappointed.Take the quiz:
What house of 1000 corpses character are you?

Otis
This guy is the real deal. It doesn't get more, crazy, disgusting, insane, brutal, or psychotic than this. He is the servant to Dr. Satan. He will chew you up and spit you back out. Literally.
Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!......
MySpace IM sn: farbeyondevil
yahoo IM s/n: i_am_far_beyond_evil
AOL IM s/n: FarBeyondEvil75
MSN IM s/n: [email protected]
Say Hi if you catch me on these (not often- but once in a while)!"FUCK IT ALL! FUCK THIS WORLD! FUCK EVERYTHING THAT YOU STAND FOR! DON'T BELONG! DON'T EXIST! DON'T GIVE A SHIT! DON'T EVER JUDGE ME!" ~ SLipKnot (Surfacing)
"This song is your new national FUCKING anthem. This song is called SURFACING!" - Corey Taylor

Monty: With women, it's always one of two things. Either they won't sleep with you, and then there's really no need to ever call them again. Or they DO sleep with you... and then there's really no need to ever call them again.
.. Now Icon by MyWackoSpace.com
Contact Box Table by MyWackoSpace.com
Name: Ed
Birthdate: June 19, 1975
Birthplace: Baltimore, MD
Current Location: Baltimore, MD (Lutherville)
Eye Color: Hazel
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Height: 4'23"
Weight: Too Damn Much!
Piercings: NONE
Tatoos: 3 for now (all on my right arm)
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: not at the moment
Overused Phraze: FUCK YOU!
FAVORITES
Food: Pizza
Candy: Toffifay (if you can find them)
Number: Lucky 13
Color: Black
Animal: the elusive "fuzzy lap flounder" -or- beaver!
Drink: Water
Alcohol Drink: Jager & Budweiser (NO- not mixed together you TARD!)
Bagel: Cinnamin Raisin
Letter: XXX marks the spot
Body Part on Opposite sex: ALL of 'em!
This or That
Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonalds or BurgerKing: McDonalds
Strawberry or Watermelon: Watermelon
Hot tea or Ice tea: Iced Tea
Chocolate or Vanilla Chocolate
Hot Chocolate or Coffee: Hot Chocolate (I hate coffee)
Kiss or Hug: BOTH
Dog or Cat: Dog
Rap or Punk: METAL bitches!
Summer or Winter: Summer
Scary Movies or Funny Movies: Love 'em both- CAN'T DECIDE!
Love or Money: LOVE... but both would be SUPER!
YOUR...
Bedtime: whenever I drop
Most Missed Memory: not a clue
Best phyiscal feature: NONE
First Thought Waking Up: Is it 4 PM already.....
Goal for this year: maybe find a career
Best Friends: don't have any! :-(
Weakness: I'm TOO NICE
Fears: Boy bands becoming popular again
Heritage: Italian and German
Longest relationship: what's that?
HAVE YOU...
Ever Drank: of course...
Ever Smoked: NEVER!
Pot: NEVER (but most people don't believe me!)
Ever been Drunk: Maybe...
Ever been beaten up: HELL NO!
Ever beaten someone up: Nope- it would take ALOT for me to physically hurt someone- I'm TOO NICE!
Ever Shoplifted: Long ago
Ever Skinny Dipped: Nope
Ever Kissed Opposite sex: maybe....
Been Dumped Lately: I'd have to be seeing someone first.... so NO!
IN A GUY/GIRL
Favorite Eye Color: Not Important
Favorite Hair Color: Not Important
Short or Long: Not Important- but I do like long hair.
Height: Not Important
Style: Not Important
Looks or Personality: Personality
Hot or Cute I'm a sucker for CUTE!
Drugs and Alcohol: Nothing excessive- who wants a drunken junkie?
Muscular or Really Skinny: As long as they're HEALTHY!
RANDOMS
Number of Regrets in the Past: What's it matter- too late to change them now!
What country do you want to Visit: Italy, Japan, Australia, maybe England
How do you want to Die: QUICKLY!
Been to the Mall Lately: probably
Do you like Thunderstorms: sure, why not
Get along with your Parents: Of course, I get along with EVERYONE!
Health Freak: not even close
Do you think your Attractive: not really, but I've seen worse
Believe in Yourself: once in awhile
Want to go to College: Tried it already, just could not get into it!
Do you Smoke: NEVER
Do you Drink: Socially
Shower Daily: Whenever possible
Been in Love: perhaps the "unrequited" kind
Do you Sing: badly and off key
Want to get Married: someday
Do you want Children: eventually
Have your future kids names planned out: not yet
Age you wanna lose your Virginity: I plead the "FIF".... but soon I hope! ;-P
Hate anyone: not at the moment
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

My Interests

"For me, it's always been about the three M's- MONEY, MUSIC and MMMMM...PUSSY!"
-Greg Behrendt quoting Steven Tyler
FAMILY and FRIENDS... Music (METAL)... Learning to play my bass & guitar SOMEDAY!... Going to concerts (national) and shows (local)... Ravens football (SEASON TIX holder from the start- ENDZONE Section 140 ~ HELL YEAH!)... Orioles baseball... GIRLS... SLEEPING!!... motorcycles... tattoos... $$$$$$$... Turd Ferguson... wrestling (WWE)... UFC... Strip Cubs/ Titty Bars... Porn Stars & Strippers... GWEN STEFANI... all BOOBIES- big and small... WOMEN... Doin the MOTORBOAT (You motorboatin' son of a bitch!)... Funny movies... Horror Movies... Serial Killers... Budweiser... Jagermeister... LADIES... 98 Rock(WIYY-Baltimore)... Sirius satellite radio (STERN & HARD ATTACK)... registered REPUBLICAN... I hate HIPPIES and HIPPIES hate me... funny-ass comedians... PORN... T-Shirt HELL (www.tshirthell.com)... HOT CHICKS!... The Slowskys... Video Games (GUITAR HERO rocks!)... Shooting Pool... Swimming... members of the opposite sex!...
..I am 57% Asshole/Bitch.
.. I am abrasive, some people really hate me, but there may be a group of other tight knit assholes and bitches that I can hang out with and get me. Everybody else? Fuck em. Take the
Asshole/Bitch Test
@ FualiDotComI am 67% Metal Head.
.. I rock just as hard as the rest of the thrash set, except when no ones looking I like to get down with a little "More than a Feeling." Take the
Metal Head Test
@ FualiDotCom
Myspace Layouts

I'd like to meet:

SUICIDE GIRLS F'N ROCK!Jeremy Grey: Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl. Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? [makes sputtering motorboat noise] You motorboatin son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house? You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood. TEAM PLAYER!Andy Stitzer: You know how when you grab a woman's breast... it feels like... a bag of sand.

--- Hot Girls into HEAVY Music aka: Metal Chicks
-- My Future Ex-Wife
--- PORN STARS & STRIPPERS!!!
-- Promiscuous women! (just kidding - or am I?)
--- Anyone that wants to give me money!
-- People I already know.
--- People I DON'T already know.
-- OKAY... just people!
--- Ass-Kickin' Bands and musicians
-- Funny-Ass People (gotta laugh!)
--- Interesting & Unique People!
-- The FATHER, The SON and The HOLY GHOST
--- The Devil Himself!
-- Some of my favorite celebrities
--- All the sexy LADIES on MySpace!
-- EVERYBODY!Ryan Dunn: Desire huh? What the fuck does that mean? Does that mean you're into dudes with fuckin' long hair, smell like beer, have shitty tattoos; maybe they hang out at the bowling alley! Maybe, just maybe you'll go out back and rub their sick crotch; he'll stick his hands down your pants. Meanwhile, your boyfriend's sittin' at home jerkin off to fuckin' gay porn.
Monty: Everyone knows that I'm orally fixated and you can't deny that I played your vigina like a violin!

Music:

GO (MAKE IT HARD, MAKE IT FAST, MAKE IT LOUD) - Unbroken "Haze"

COREY TAYLOR UNMASKED!!!!Take the quiz:
What 80's Metal Band are you? (with pics)

Metallica
You are a band with Metal in it's name. Metallica. You have no costume or make-up, you just serve metal up the ass. You rock!

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!METALLICA (all-time favorite!) I like all types of rock but mostly listen to Heavy Metal/Hard Rock. Some favorites (in no particular order) are METALLICA, Megadeth, Anthrax, Slayer (the big four), PanterA, Damageplan, REBEL MEETS REBEL (R.I.P. DIME!), HELLYEAH, Exodus, Slipknot, Stone Sour, Murderdolls, To My Surprise, King Diamond, Mercyful Fate, Danzig, The Misfits, Samhain, The Ramones, KISS, KITTIE, Bif Naked, BRITT BLACK, Judas Priest, Nickelback, 3 Doors Down, Puddle Of Mudd, Motorhead, S.O.D., D.R.I., M.O.D., DOWN, Superjoint Ritual, Black Label Society,
Chimaira, Children Of Bodom, APOCALYPTICA, Stephen Lynch, Wednesday 13, Static-X, Six Feet Under, Cannibal Corpse, Brand New Sin, Ozzy, Black Sabbath, God Forbid, Body Count, Coal Chamber, Johnny Cash, Kid Rock, Scatterbrain, Ludichrist, Trivium, CREED, L7, Ted Nugent, Machine Head, Obituary, Sepultura, DevilDriver, Opeth, Soulfly, Carcass, Type-0 Negative, Carnivore, Spinal Tap, Steel Dragon, Stuck Mojo, Fozzy, Mystic Force, Jimmie's Chicken Shack, Wrathchild America, Rammstein, Godsmack, P.O.D., KORN, Deftones, Twisted Sister, SPINE, ZZ Top, Journey, Foo Fighters, Steve Vai,
Thine Eyes Bleed, Brutal Truth, PROBOT, White Zombie, Lacuna Coil, Napalm Death, Annihilator, DEATH, Nuclear Assault, OTEP, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Lamb Of God, TOOL, A Perfect Circle, Voivod, Vio-lence, KIX, Killswitch Engage, Tenacious D, The Bloodhound Gang, TestAmenT, Venom, Sodom, Flotsam & Jetsam, QUEEN, Guns N Roses, Skid Row, SR-71, Overkill, Arch Enemy, Black Dahlia Murder, Shadows Fall, Hatebreed, Biohazard, System Of A Down, Sucidal Tendencies, Infectious Grooves, Drain S.T.H., Child's Play, Primus,
Alice Cooper, Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Cattle Decapitation, Mayhem, The 69 Eyes, Clutch, Iron Maiden, The Iron Maidens, The Donnas, The Dan Band, Beatallica, the Beatles, Black Stone Cherry, Faith No More, Bush, Rush, Ill Nino, Suicide City, Entombed, PRONG, HELMET, Gang Green, Murphy's Law, Dying Fetus, Misery Index, Fear Factory, NILE, Brujeria, DOPE, Godhead, Avenged Sevenfold, Mastadon, Aerosmith, Van Halen, ELVIS, Rod Stewart, AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, The Who, The Doors, No Doubt, Gwen Stefani, Andrew W.K., Morbid Angel, *][-][*][*][v][*, Diecide, cKy, Death Angel, Drowning Pool, SOIL, Dark Angel,
C.O.C., Strapping Young Lad, Rob Zombie, Disturbed, Shinedown, The Darkness, Pink Floyd, Seether, Evanescence, Nashville Pussy, Ministry, Staind, Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, Queensryche, Poison, Motley Crue, Nirvana, Hole, Extreme, Weezer, Dream Theatre, The Black Crowes, Alice In Chains, Audioslave, Rage Against The Machine, Soundgarden, Velvet Revolver, Red Hot Chili Peppers, a lot of '80s Hair Bands and lots more. I could go on forever, but don't have the time or space!
Plus lots of local bands such as- Beyond The Scar, YMI, RESIST, DeadLock (BURN-R.I.P.), The Dalton Gang, The Rob Byer Band, SHIFT, Unbroken, Cold & Ugly (TOOL/APC Tribute), Schindler's Fist, Vox Humana, Thrill, Eden Burns, Silvertung, Voicebox, ICU, Tripwire, Crushing Day, Faded Image, Beneath The Creep, Dead Men Sway, Dingleberry Dynasty and so many more!
I even like a little country such as Toby Keith, Trace Atkins, Garth Brooks, Brooks & Dunn, Gretchen Wilson, Carrie Underwood and Shania Twain to name a few! I HATE R&B/Hip-hop and MOST Rap (there are a select few rap artists that I like - Eminem, Bone Thugs N Harmony, Snoop Dogg, Black Eye Peas, Cyprus Hill and N.W.A come to mind).
..
Your Life: The Soundtrack
Opening credits: Hit The Lights (Metallica)
Waking up: Milk (S.O.D.)
Average day: People = Shit (Slipknot)
First date: She Is Beautiful (Andrew W.K.)
Falling in love: Missin' You (Brand New Sin)
Love scene: She Rides (Danzig)
Fight scene: Show No Mercy (Slayer)
Breaking up: I Used To Love Her (Guns 'N' Roses)
Getting back together: Nothing Else Matters (Metallica)
Secret love: Vermillion Pt 2 (Slipknot)
Life's okay: Freebird (Lynyrd Skynyrd)
Mental breakdown: Institutionalized (Suicidal Tendencies)
Driving: Blood And Thunder (Mastadon)
Learning a lesson: She Hates Me (Puddle Of Mudd)
Deep thought: Bother (Stone Sour)
Flashback: Strap It On (Anthrax)
Partying: I Ain't Drunk, I'm Just Drinkin' (Wrathchild America)
Happy dance: The Toxic Waltz (Exodus)
Regreting: Hurt (Johnny Cash)
Long night alone: Heartache Every Moment (HIM)
Death scene: Bodies (Drowning Pool)
Closing credits: Fade To Black (Metallica)
Take this survey | Find more surveys
You've been totally Bzoink*d

Movies:

Mostly enjoy Horror and Comedy. Some current favorites are... The Devil's Rejects (Otis B. Driftwood: I think I can still smell your wife's pussy stink on my gun... hope it doesn't rust the barrel.)... House Of 1000 Corpses... All of the Friday The 13th movies... All of the Nightmare On Elm Street movies... Freddy Vs. Jason... Pirates Of The Carribean films... the Spiderman franchise...
Kevin Smith films (fuckin' Jay and Silent Bob bitches!)... The Toxic Avenger (and all the other crazy-ass TROMA films)... The Crow... Spinal Tap... Saw... Saw 2... Old School... The 40 Year old Virgin... Wedding Crashers... Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy... Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story... Waiting... Haggard... Texas Chainsaw Massacre... Cabin Fever...
X-MEN movies... how can I forget the classic 15-min. epic that is HEAVY METAL PARKING LOT... Blazing Saddles... The Jerk... Some Kind Of Monster... Quentin Tarantino films... Dumb and Dumber... DICE RULES... Ford Fairlane... the SCREAM trilogy... the SCARY MOVIE franchise... The Lost Boys... Ocean's 11 & Ocean's 12... From Dusk Till Dawn... Airheads... Brain Candy... Run Ronnie, Run!... Caddyshack... Office Space... Paradise Lost: The Child Murders At Robin Hood Hills... Revelations: Paradise Lost 2... Jackass: The Movie... Rock Star...
BASEketball... Orgazmo... South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut... Team America: World Police... Sin City... Goodfellas... American Pie movies... Wrong Turn... The River's Edge... Bully... Eurotrip... Road Trip... Wayne's World... the original STAR WARS trilogy... the ROCKY movies... Beavis & Butt-Head Do America... Super Troopers (and the other Boken Lizard films)... National Treasure... From Dusk Til Dawn... Cheech & Chong movies... Donnie Brasco... A Bronx Tale... almost anything with Steve Buscemi... and a million more that I cannot think of at the moment! -****Oh yeah- and LOTS of PORN (the crazy, hardcore shit!)****
Who Would Slaughter You in a Horror Movie? Find out @ She's Crafty

Television:

Beavis & Butt-Head
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I'm currently hooked on the show DEADLIEST CATCH for some reason... DEXTER... The Sopranos... Real Muthaf**kin' Talk w/ "Dollar" Bill Montgomery... OZ... Sports (Football, Baseball, Hockey, Boxing)...My Name is Earl... Chappelle Show (come back Dave!)... Conan O'Brien... COPS!... The Office... Headbangers Ball... Metal Mania on VH1 Classic... Wrestling (RAW and SMACKDOWN, ECW, TNA)... Deal Or No Deal... UFC... The Ultimate Fighter... Freaks And Geeks... Saturday Night Live... Mr. Show... The Kids In The Hall... Mr. Bean... Curb Your Enthusiasm... Sienfeld... Comedy Central Stand-Up... Penn & Teller: Bullshit!... Family Business... HBO's CatHouse: The Series... Law & Order: SVU...
Beavis & Butthead... Family Guy... Aqua Teen Hunger Force... Robot Chicken... Viva La Bam... Jackass... Yes, Dear... Grounded For Life... The Boondocks... The O'Reilly Factor... Hannity & Colmes... The Daily Show... SCRUBS... American Chopper... Biker Build-Off... Airline... Dog The Bounty Hunter... Criss Angel: Mindfreak... Reno 911... Inked... Miami Ink... That 70's Show... The Dukes Of Hazzard... South Park... and a TON more that just isn't popping in my head right now!
Mr. Bean
"I'm Rick James, BITCH!"
Stewie Griffin
"Good motherfucking choice, motherfucker! Samuel Jackson! Made painstakingly by me, Samuel L. Jackson! It'll get ya drunk! You'll be fucking fat girls in no time! You might even fight a nigga or two! Mmmm-mmm, bitch!" --"YES, they deserved to die, and I hope they burn in HELL!"
"What the deuce?"

Books:

Howard Stern's books.... Mainly just biographies..... if the book is good enough, they'll make a movie of it. I can wait!... magazines make for great bathroom reading material... Playboy... Hustler... Barely Legal... Big Butt... JUGGS... Black Tail... etc... LOL :-)

Heroes:

Family... People who risk their lives for others (cops, firemen, soldiers)... they are the real heroes (sounds cheesey- I know)... CHUCK NORRIS... A few people I admire... DIMEBAG (R.I.P.)... Cliff Burton (R.I.P.)... Jaymz Hetfield... Zakk Wylde... Mick Thomson... Howard Stern... Ann Coulter... Cal Ripken Jr... Johnny Unitas (R.I.P.)... Ray Lewis... Kane Hodder... Jason Voorhees... Glenn Danzig... King Diamond... Master Shake... Kevin Smith... Jack Black... Rob Zombie... Billy Lane... Dennis Miller... Rodney Dangerfield (R.I.P.)... Andrew "DICE" Clay... Triple H (HHH)... The Undertaker... KANE... Seymore Butts... Ron Jeremy... Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P.)... Stephen Lynch... Steve Buscemi... Christopher Walken (aka- Col. Angus)... Hugh Heffner... Larry Flynt... Dennis Hof... Bill Gates... Donald Trump... Vince McMahon... Ronnie Dobbs... Peter & Stewie Griffin... Otis Driftwood & the Firefly clan...
Clifford Lee Burton (R.I.P.)
"THE MAJOR RAGER ON THE 4 STRING MOTHERFUCKER"
"DIMEBAG" Darrell Lance Abbott (R.I.P.)
Zakk "MOTHERFUKKIN" Wylde
Jaymz Hetfield
OZZY Osbourne
"The Prince Of FUCKIN' Darkness"
Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P.)
"Mitch All Together"Mark Calloway (aka- The Undertaker) What Family Guy Character are you?
You are Peter!!!
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My Blog

There Are 3 Kinds Of People In This World

See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assh...
Posted by Ed on Mon, 15 May 2006 01:10:00 PST

The Complete Rules Of Wedding Crashing

Rule #1: Never leave a fellow Crasher behind. Crashers take care of their own. Rule #2: Never use your real name. Rule #3: When crashing an Indian wedding, identify yourself as a well-known immigran...
Posted by Ed on Fri, 31 Mar 2006 03:26:00 PST

Chicken Fuckin'

Darrell: Now ya'll ain't planning on fuckin' these chickens are ya? Charlie Altamont: What the fuck are you getting at? Do you fuck chickens? Darrell: Well, I thought about fuckin' some chickens befor...
Posted by Ed on Fri, 31 Mar 2006 03:21:00 PST