THINGS I LIKE:
baby seal clubbing, TRADING POKEMON CARDS AND CUTTING MYSELF, rampant sex and drugs with prostitutes, Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. i have this medical condition where i drink a case of beer and fall down. videotaping childbirth then wearing the placenta as a slimy hat while i roll around in the afterbirth that fell on the floor while singing to journey- why were the doctors playing that song?, hiding on golf courses and then killing golfers and wearing theirs shoes for the excellent traction, TRIPSTABBING, yeah i get drunk and wake up places, sacraficing puppies and small children, pretending like i work at a store whever asked if i work there which almost got me arrested in october of '05, i have many interests...
id actually like to meet a woman that wont rip my heart out from my sternum and drop kick it into a waste basket full of used hypodermic needles using the wall as a backboard
LOVE ItDo you think that rappers and thugs have slang for e-mail and websites? I don't think so because there's just no cool way to refer to those things.
i like laughing at narcoleptic people. thats probably because i take their wallets. dumb bastards. I don't know much about women, but I do know that if she crosses her arms during sex, it's a bad sign. I don't think I can go to church anymore. I get freaked out by all the speaking in unison and then I wonder if people know all of the bad stuff that I have done. And if they don't know yet, they'll find out because I wrote my website address in every bible there. When Jesus returns he'll be able to identify all of the devout Christians by the crosses that they wear everywhere. But don't you think that the last thing that Jesus wants to see is a cross?? I mean he'll come back and be like 'Ahh! What the hell are you people planning to do to me now?' Then he'll go by a Catholic church and see himself still hanging there and he'll faint. It seems like the Jewish people should wear crosses and the Christians can find a new symbol. Working in a cubicle is great, except for when you have had too much coffee and you stand up and sit down pretending like you are in a whack-a-mole game. I finally got to achieve my dream of naming an animal species. All it took was a trip to the natural history museum with a Sharpie. Society will never be perfect until there is a one-to-one guy in a visor to fire hose ratio. You know who's a real sick bastard? The guy who invented the pump toothpaste dispenser. I think anyone who owns a pump hand soap dispenser who has brushed their teeth at 4 am would agree with me.
Anytime a girl asks you what she should be for Halloween respond with anything besides, "You could shave your mustache and go as a girl."
you gotta feed the monkey, man.
All my heroes have failed me And all your heroes will fail youTHE BOOGeYMAN! I was thinking about the boogeyman earlier today. You guys know the boogeyman, right? He's a guy that's supposed to hide under your bed, or in your closet or behind your door. Why? I don't know. But that's what he's supposed to do. And I was thinking about his name. Because it's pronounced, Boogy-man. Like, as if he dances. And I was wondering, do you think that maybe the boogeyman actually used to dance for a living? Like maybe he used to boogy, and then he realized there was too much competition, so he got into lurking. I don't know how profitable the business of lurking is, but he doesn't have much competition. I mean, sure, there are monsters in the closet, and monsters under the bed, but there's really only one boogeyman. Unless, of course, the original boogeyman set up franchises, and didn't tell us about it.Actually, the idea of franchises makes a lot of sense. I mean, how is it that so many people know about the boogeyman. I mean, if there was just one guy, there's no way he'd be as famous as he is. Just like the tooth fairy. You can't tell me that the tooth fairy isn't actually a conglomerate of fairies working under one name, the Tooth Fairy. And what is it that they do with teeth, anyhow? I mean, it's gotta be pretty ominous. I mean, is it like Faerie ivory? Because actual ivory is made from elephant teeth. Is the tooth fairy buying our ivory for quarters and then re-selling it on the open market for thousands of dollars? It makes you think, doesn't it?But back to the boogeyman. I think that maybe the next time you think there's someone in your closet, or under the bed, or behind your door. You might turn on some music, preferably disco, and just and see what happens. If the guys starts shaking it, then we know my theory about his origins is probably true. And that the boogeyman does boogy. With virulent, deadly, contagious diseases of love.