Talking bollocks in taverns, spazmodic live music, hard copies, cutting edge stand up, womans (though only in small doses), overuse of exclamation marks!!!!!, doing Donald Sutherland in the last bit of Body Snatchers, cockney walkabouts, heart felt yet ultimately bad community theatre, snuff movie sleepovers, golf on drugs, rubbing my eyeballs until a journey through outer space appears, Picasso, Glastonbury, Bestival, Lost Vagueness, charity shops, surfing teletext, food fights, the feminine burp of a drunk girl, taking rare variants out of their packaging and playing with them, crisp sandwiches, strong coffee, extreme sarcasm, outlandish hats, fresh scabs, monkeys, cheeses from the weirdest corners of our Earth, telling my neice Izzy about the importance of Iron Maiden experimenting with Synths in the late 80s as she says "mah!" back at me, the poetry of John Keats, classic cameras, flicking bogies at posh birds, fighting fire with a fuck off flame-thrower, undermining authority, and spoiling little games
I'd like to meet:
The following need not get in touch.............
(a) People with personalised number plates (I don't care if you paid £100 or £10,000 for it. You could have given that money to a worthwhile charity and not looked an absolute cunt driving about town)
(b) Affable cockneys who wink at you, but who pull a puzzled expression when you talk to them about anything beyond ITV, The Sun newspaper, and their Nan's house, (these people will without fail call Tomato Ketchup "Red Sauce")
(c) Girls who check the style mags to see what they should be wearing at this summer's festivals.
(d) Street Magicians/Gamers*/Guitarists who can play Stairway to Heaven note perfect. You're all basically people who spend far too much time in your bedrooms. There's a whole world out there!
(e) People who don't like The Simpsons, Starship Troopers or Tremors.
(f) River Island Rock Chicks who have never heard Motorhead/Iron Maiden but have the T-Shirt, and then freak out when a proper metaler says "hi" to them. Also Justin Lee Collins or any other idiot who thinks it's OK to wear a Clash T-Shirt with sequins on it.
(g) People who claim to be the Queen of Punk. Oh alright then, Toyah Wilcox. One of these days there'll be a knock at the door. It'll be Siouxsie, and by fuck she's gonna catwoman kick the Jesus out of you.
(h) Pool opponents who don't look at the other players shots cos they're watching the Red Hot Shitty Peppers on Live Earth, and then say "did you get anything?". I already have one, I don't need another.
(i) Women who, at the zoo, go right up to the cage with the lioness in it, thinking, "hey she's a woman just like me, she's part of the sisterhood, i'll just give her a quick stroke, hey there miss lion, I hate men too, us girls should stick together after all AAAAAARGGHH. FUCK, MY ARM!! OH CHRIST, SHE'S TEARING ME TO SHREDS, I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!" It does make for a good story in the Evening Standard, but seriously, it's a wild animal. That's why it's in a fucking cage.
(j) People who refer to the Police as "The Feds". It's The Fuzz, The Filth, The Pigs, The Bazleys, The Rozzers, etc
(k) Grown women who talk like babies (Sharon Osborne etc). Come to think of it, Sharon Osborne. Also Asda people. Sharon Osborne isn't an Asda person. She's just paid vast sums of money to pretend she is and is on first name terms with the all the staff getting paid fuck all an hour. And while I'm on the subject, Kerry Katona or whatever your name is. Your delivery driver IceLand advert ACTUALLY MADE ME VOMIT REAL VOMIT when I first saw it. I hope you're fucking proud you useless little tramp.
(l) Scientists who explain why certain science fiction ideas couldn't actually work in certain science fiction stories. Newsflash eggheads, the clue is in the word STORY.
(m) Football people (football is the little green rectangle in the corner of the pub. I just don't get it)
(n) People who say ""Assume" makes an ass out of U and Me", and then beam smugly cos they think they're some sort of vessel of wisdom, when in actual fact they're people seconds away from the biggest fucking wedgie of their life.
(o) People who claim to be vegetarian as they tuck into their big swordfish on a bed of tiger prawns, circled by oysters and calimari.
(p) Girls (or gay men) who listen to 'You're Beautiful' by James Blunt and pretend he's singing it to them.
(q) You're on a training course. Could be for anything, but you're an adult in the classroom scenario. If you fall into the category of (i) person whose hero is Peter Kaye and tries to crack a joke on the back of every fucking sentence the trainer delivers, despite the fact none of them are even vaguely funny, who then looks sad when the one person in the room who IS funny, delivers a howler, at the right time, for the right reason, and everyone in the classroom including the trainer, laugh their tits off (ii)the person who tries to second guess what the trainer is about to say, fucks it up, then nods and says "yeah" every three or four minutes as if they're already up and a bit more on everything the trainer knows, and then asks "what about this and what about that?" even though the trainer is going to get round to this AND that at some point, but in their own good time, and then looks pissed off when other people in the class whisper "ooh, she already knows" whenever she says anything else for the rest of the course, when all she needs to do to shut these people up is shut the fuck up herself and let the trainer do their job, which they ARE qualified for and YOU aren't. If you are either of these type of person, then for your own safety, do not approach me.
(r) Idiots who don't believe climate change is real, and say things like "there was a really hot day back in the middle ages, are you telling me that was global warming?" before turning every electrical device in their house on and going to bed.
(s) People who think that the BNP aren't all that bad, and that most white people are racist really, but just don't want to upset anyone.
(t) People who, when asked what they've been doing today, say "I've been grafting" in such a way that it's like they should get a fucking medal. Just say, "I've been to work".
(u) People who work in I.T. To my mind, you get paid twice as much as me to um, ah, scratch your head, and then leg it once it's become apparent that your guess is actually as good as mine. I'd join you if I thought I could sink low enough.
(v) People who say "Jeremy Clarkson, now HE is MY kind of guy". The last ever time I watched Top of the Pops** was when they fucked around with it again. Clarkson was a guest presenter with Fearne Cotton (see (e) ) and was grumbling about all the modern music, then they played an old clip of The Who (how can Roger still get up on stage and sing "hope I die before I get old"? piss taking fish farmer!) to shut him up, then he drove out of the studio in a car, cos he's a motor journalist. He is also a prize cunt who always looks like he's about to puke up the dinner that he just ate too quickly.
(w) People who think Man has walked on the moon, that Nessies are'nt real, and that the world isn't going to end on 23rd September 2012 (google it, we're all gonna die!!!) And that Elvis died in the late 70s'.
(x) People who have x amount of text messages to use up by the end of the month, and then try and have conversations by text with someone, not realising or caring that that other person is on pay as you go, and doesn't really fancy pissing away 12p after 12p. If you want to talk to me, FUCKING PHONE ME! (having said that I don't really like talking on the phone).
(y) People who don't think burping and farting is funny. Worse still, people who say it isn't appropriate. Actually, people who say things aren't appropriate. Fuck off.
(z) I am prepared to give chavs a chance, but not ones who speak in a croaky slight volume with their eyes half shut on purpose as if they are the World's biggest danger to blunts.
You scored as The First Doctor (William Hartnell). You chose the First doctor. He may have been cranky and cantankerous, but he is the original!
The First Doctor (William Hartnell)
100%
The Second Doctor (Patrick Troughton)
69%
The Ninth Doctor (Christoper Eccleston)
25%
The Sixth Doctor (Colin Baker)
25%
The Seventh Doctor (Sylvester McCoy)
25%
The Eighth Doctor (Paul McGann)
25%
The Fourth Doctor (Tom Baker)
19%
The Fifth Doctor (Peter Davidson)
0%
The Third Doctor (Jon Pertwee)
0%
Which Doctor Who are you?
created with QuizFarm.com*A bit of Pac Man/Phoenix/Bomb Jack/Tetris now and then is OK. It's just all this Medal of Honour/Syphon Filter nonsense. Jeeeez.
**Tell a lie, I switched on a few weeks later and Fearne (see (e) ) was joined by Peter Kaye as Brian Potter, using the opportunity to sell his undoubtedly laugh a minute work out video, the mum-obsesssed, profiteering peddler of yesteryear so called mirth.Your results:
You are The Joker
The Joker
69%
Two-Face
67%
Riddler
60%
Venom
57%
Mr. Freeze
53%
Dark Phoenix
52%
Catwoman
48%
Lex Luthor
48%
Apocalypse
47%
Magneto
46%
Dr. Doom
46%
Mystique
43%
Juggernaut
35%
Green Goblin
31%
Poison Ivy
21%
Kingpin
17%
The Clown Prince of Crime. You are a brilliant mastermind but are criminally insane. You love to joke around while accomplishing the task at hand.
Click here to take the "Which Super Villain are you?" quiz...
Music:
Jizz Malfunction at the Green Dragon
Uploaded by McGoat IF YOU ARE IN A BAND PLEASE DON'T ADD ME, I WILL ADD YOU! jizz MALFUNCTION, The Gash (who I now worship and have built an obelisk for), British Sea Power, The Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster, Heart (who if you think about it, ARE the greatest band ever, sort of), Blanket, Florida, Kunt and the Gang, The Duke Spirit, Happy State, Client, The Dylan Rabbit (and off-shoots), Annie, Robyn, Robots in Disguise, Lush, blur, The Wedding Present, Sidi Bou Said, Siouxsie, Antz, CSS, Madness, Go Team!, The Fall, Joy Division, Kate Bush, Bat for Lashes, Blondie, Lethal Bizzle, Vive la Fete, Be Your Own Pet, Roy Orbison, Shampoo, Blackbox Recorder, B52s, The Bangles, Transvision Vamp, Eddie Grant, Carter USM, Shonen Knife, Sultans of Ping FC, Sex Pistols, The Damned, Superman Revenge Squad, Garbage, PIL, White Rose Movement, NYPC, Long Blondes, PSB, The Beat/The Selecter/ska in general, Satchmo, Horrorpops, Voice of the Beehive, hippity hip hop, Ty, Roots Manuva, Bus Driver, Bowie, Bolan, Iron Maiden, all of the artists appearing on Blame it on Blofeld, The Human League (Dare will always be my favorite album) and most of the Do Me Bad Things off-shoots. I suppose i like bands that take some pride in their appearance, but I also like Ten Foot Nun
Movies:
Flash Gordon, Anaconda, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Ghost in the Shell, Flight of Dragons, The Muppet Movie, Anything where Ray Harryhausen has done the special effects, Hot Shots and Hot Shots part Deux, The Predator Movies, Superman I and II, Tron, Beavis and Butthead Do America, Batman and Batman Returns, Loaded Weapon, One of our Dinosaurs is Missing, Hammer, Amicus, The Wicker Man (original), Get Carter (original), Clockwork Orange (original, cos there's bound to be a fuckin' awful remake at some point), Casino Royale (er, the remake), The Boys in Blue, Preaching to the Perverted, The Hunger, Withnail and I, Godzillas/King Kong (but not all this CGI rubbish),
Hawk The Slayer, 80s Skate films (especially the films of Stacy Peralta), Laurel & Hardy/Harold Lloyd, Vintage Tarzans, anything with Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, Brian Blessed, Bill, Ted, Wayne, Garth, Original Star Wars, all the Star Trek movies (not just the even ones), Bubba Ho Tep, An American Werewolf in London, Master and Commander, The Lost Boys, Near Dark, Braveheart, Die Hard, UHF, The Naked Guns, Mary Poppins, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, Airplane 1 and 2, Ghostbusters, Caddyshack, Amazon Women on the Moon.
Television:
Doctor Who, ALF, The Closer, B7, BSG, Original Trek, DS9, The Sooty Show, Snuff Box, Deal or no Deal, cartoons, wildlife, boxing, Monkey, Ulysses 31, MOTU, Bullseye, Fraggle Rock, Quincy, Batman, The Incredible Hulk, Wonder Woman, Jason King, Sapphire & Steel, Nightingales, CHiPs, The Avengers, Desmonds, V, 15 Storeys High, music telly, Kenny Everett, Totally Spies, The Sarah Jane Adventures, Melvin and Maureen's Music-a-grams
this is genius
Books:
Christopher Fowler, Martin Millar, C.S. Forester, Philip Pullman, H.G. Wells, Edgar Rice Burroughs, Roger Hargreaves, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Alan Moore, J.G. Ballard, VNAs, EDAs, skate mags and comics
Heroes:
Kate Bush, Phil Oakey, Adam Ant, Shakin Stevens, KILL, Rodney Mullen, Steve Davis, Sweep and Kate Bush.
