BRITNEY's Blackout, where do I start? It's probably the best CD bearing her name, but I'm pretty sure that her actual input is comparable to mine. Notice how many songs ape Gimme More's pitch control gimmick. I like her now simply because her mere presence in the world upsets so many people on such a deep, and entirely reactionary level. Her simple hijinks could actually bring back witch trials, which would be fun. So what if her pussy fell out. It's just skin. CARRIE UNDERWOOD's first CD was 2006's biggest seller. Her follow-up Carnival Ride, which moved over half a million copies last week, is a rinse and repeat moment with six or seven strong radio singles. Before He Cheats, the cross-format smash from her debut, is STILL charting on Billboard's Top 40 where it debuted over a year ago. The voice is all Linda Rondstat - '70s rock-era Linda, not that LaCucaracha shit - and she covers Guns 'n Roses in concert. Okay, I give. Uncle. DJ PAULO begins November will a new promo set, Gimme More Tribal, which features his remixes of Britney and Rihanna, two pole-dancing strippers still masquerading as singers. As if by magic, Paulo makes them acceptable for public consumption. I still haven't forgiven him for making me like My Humps. This set follows up this summer's legendary Tribal Bitch, which featured his new collaboration with Alan T. titled Where is Nurse Cracker?, a tribute to the First Lady of the Circuit. Check out Paulo's myspace page or dedicated website, www.djpaulo.com to download. Sad to report that KELLY CLARKSON's new CD offers only two decent songs. It's hardly the innovative breakthrough she purports it to be. Think of Breakaway's non-singles without the hooks. I'm all for maintaining artistic integrity, but I really can't believe she compared this to Springsteen's Nebraska. Behind those hazel eyes are some pretty big delusions. This disc comes at you like a lump of alien cheese, attaches itself to your forehead and makes you forget that you ever liked Kelly. Artistic vision...Kelly, what the fuck were you doing on Reba's shitty sit-com if you wanted to be taken seriously? Now, for someone who will never left you down: Crystal Visions: The Very Best of STEVIE NICKS CD/DVD set. What more do you need? The DVD features all of her videos with Stevie's non-stop genius and hilarious commentary. Check out the new remixes of Stand Back by Ralphi Rosario and Dave Aude. I have formally fallen in love with Chris Daughtry, so it's the perfect time for him to leave his deadweight wife and her kids from another marriage. Tom Stephan & Vibe's Stereo Sound 001 is great, as is Oscar G.'s new disc, Space. DJ Vibe - Live @ Teatro Sa da Bandeira Porto NYE 2007. Obviously, anything by Paulo. Rauhofer's I Love...series is fun. Still loving Pink's most recent record, Chus & Ceballos, Richie Santana, Abel, The Lady Morabito, Tracy Young, Joe Gauthreaux, Hector Fonseca, James Andersen, Tony Moran, Miss Kristine W(eitz) with her big brassy voice and her damn saxophone. Of course, Ranny, Richie LaDue, Craig Mitchell, Wayne Michael, Patrick Guay, and more.
Recently seen: ALIEN VS. PREDATOR 2 had more unwanted pregnancies than JUNO , so therefore, it's a better movie. I still prefer the really weird Charlton Heston version from the '70s, but I AM LEGEND is what a Christmas film should be about - vampire-zombie hybrids that want to kill Will Smith. We should make it a tradition. My Oscar screeners just started coming in, so now I have to watch all the "important" real life stuff like Gone, Baby Gone, I'm Not There, and No Country For Old Men, but Pink's direct-to-DVD horror movie Catacombs seems more immediate. BEOWULF will certainly nudge the whole 3D genre into newfound respectability, but the 10-minute totally nude Beowulf vs. Grendel is the only thing anyone will remember when the hangover wears off. It's a MOMENT. THE MIST is so much more entertaining that it has a right to be. The Sesame Street quality muppet-y monster constructs pale next to Marcia Gay Harden's in-the-moment update on The Church Lady, minus the powdered wig, well, and all the other drag. Her fate received the loudest applause I've heard in a movie theater in the last ten years. 30 DAYS OF NIGHT has vampires. That's my review. STARDUST is an almost engaging fairy-ish fantasy starring Claire Danes. If you can imagine a version of The Princess Bride where Robin Wright-Penn is digitally replaced with Kirsten Dunst you'll understand the trade-off. A few minutes into THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM , the director employs a shaky, hand-held camera during a simple conversation creating more communal nausea than anything in HOSTEL 2 . HARRY POTTER remains the best film franchise of the decade. FIDO, which is skipping its New England theatrical and heading straight to DVD, is essentially a re-telling of Lassie but with a pet human zombie. How did Kirsten Dunst let that role slip by her? She was born to play dead, speechless and chained to a post in the backyard. My ever-reliable suspension of disbelief allowed me to enjoy the giant, talking robots in disguise of TRANSFORMERS. But somehow, John Travolta in fat drag in HAIRSPRAY didn't seem like a stretch. It felt more like a documentary. Watching FANTASTIC FOUR 2 is like starring in Hostel. Which brings me to....HOSTEL 2 is grotesque torture porn that lost me entirely when Weinerdog (Heather Matarazzo) from Welcome to the Dollhouse is strung up naked, repeatedly slashed and then used as a blood douche for a naked, rich hag who paid big bucks to bathe in the blood of a nice American girl. And they say there are no good parts for women. But seriously - Weinerdog. Make it Kirsten Dunst or Ice Cube and I'll personally ignite an Oscar campaign, but not Weinerdog. Lots of penises in this one and some don't stay attached. KNOCKED UP is hilarious and just might feature the first - shown in closeup - special effect vagina in mainstream film history. 28 WEEKS LATER is as good as the original. It has a helicopter vs. zombie scene that effectively trumps a similar moment in Grindhouse. HOT FUZZ is fun. SPIDER-MAN 3 is a mess, and I'm not talking about Kirsten Drunkst's 50-year-old face. At 2 hrs and 20 mins, it's three musical numbers and belabored romance hold the whole thing hostage. Script misses Pulitizer Prize-winner Michael Chabon's touch. He co-wrote the last one. This script he wouldn't wipe with. Anyone who's ever watched an episode of Murder, She Wrote should be able to solve the mystery at the center of the craptacular FRACTURE. 15 minutes into it I had the puzzle solved and spent the next 100 minutes considering Ryan Gosling's strangely elongated face. PERFECT STRANGER was surprisingly entertaining and it features Halle Berry's best performance since BAPS. GRINDHOUSE and Rose McGowan with her machine gun leg are all I need. I can't believe it tanked so hard opening weekend, but somehow Ice Cube's reheated turd Are We Done Yet? was more appealing. Well, since there are people who enjoy dressing up as adult babies and crapping themselves, I quess Ice Cube are just slightly more strange. Heavy-handed and obscured by Hilary Swank's man-chin, THE REAPING is left open for a very personal sequel, Reap Harder. I predicted Sandra Bullock's PREMONITION would suck a big bag of dicks, and it did. 300 is pretty, but why was Kevin Aviance so mad at the Spartans? I love most classic '70s horror movies, including Carrie, Halloween, The Exorcist, etc. Love John Waters and the classic film exploits of Linda Blair. Loved the X-MEN movies, even the parts that sucked. INCREDIBLES stole from everyone, but was still genius.
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA is currently the best thing on TV. So what if it has robots, it won a damn Peabody Award! And it deserves Emmy Awards, but they'll just keep going to shows about doctors, lawyers and cops that recycle the same turds. The forthcoming Terminator TV series, THE SARAH CONNER CHRONICLES , which debuts on Fox in Jan., features the stupidest plot device in years. Teenager John Conner, still on the run from robots, disturbingly decides to attend a regular high school (No, the killer robots will never attack a school!) where he develops his first high-school crush - on a girl (Here's the BIG reveal) who just happens to be the good terminator sent back in time to protect him. NBC's remake of THE BIONIC WOMAN doesn't stink like a diaper full of day-old shrimp, but since they decided to bring on that fired asshole from Grey's Anatomy, I'm not pulling her in. FLAVOR OF LOVE GIRLS: CHARM SCHOOL STARRING MO'NIQUE is the longest title of any show I've ever watched. It needs a second season pronto. BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER is my all-time favorite. Currently watching South Park, Heroes, Idol, Top Model, Intervention, The Simpsons, Drawn Together, Family Guy, Dexter, Weeds, The Closer, Smallville, The Soup, Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and repeats of Roseanne.
David Sedaris. I have read every Harry Potter book, except the most recent. They're just going to make it into a movie anyway.
ALEXYSS TYLOR , an ordained minister/motivational speaker with the filthiest mouth I've ever heard. She's a fucking genius. I think words were invented just for her. And, obviously... BATGIRL . She's been solving crimes since 1967, just like me.