Tobias

"All Carolina folk are crazy for mayonnaise, mayonnaise is as ambrosia to them causes the vowels to slide more musically along their slow tongues, appeasing their grease-conditioned taste buds while transporting those buds to a plane higher than lard could ever hope to fly. Yellow as summer sunlight, soft as young thighs, smooth as a baptist preacher's rant, falsely innocent as a magician's hankerchief, mayonnaise will cloak a lettuce leaf, some shreds of cabbage, a few hunks of cold potato in the simplest splendor, restyling their dull character, making them lively and attractive again, granting them the capacity to delight the gullet if not the heart. Fried oysters, leftover roast, peanut butter: rare are the rations that fail to become more scintillating from contact with this inanimate seductress, this goopy glory-monger, this alchemist in a jar......how egg yolks, vegetable oil, vinegar (wine's angry brother) salt, sugar, lemon juice, water, and naturally, a pinch of the 'ol calcium disodium EDTA could be combined in such a way to produce a condiment so versatile, satisfying, and outright majestic, that mustard ketchup and their ilk must bow down before it (though, at two bucks a jar mayonnaise certainly doesn't put on airs)"