michael profile picture

michael

I am here for Friends

About Me

Dear Mom. Late at night, when I am alone, I touch myself.Is this where I talk about how swell I am? Use words like POSITIVE, CONTROLLED CHAOS, UPBEAT AND CLEAN? Is this where I say I'm a good friend? Is this where I say I was raped at age 13?Well it aint gonna happen!But it's all true (except the rape part....it was consensual)and I'm super.This "about ME" really isn't "about me", now is it? This is:I had a friend in 6th grade who used to do an impression of Kathryn Hepburn being raped in Central Park. I thought it was kinda funny. The math teacher, not so much. We both got to go to the office and got paddled with a piece of hard wood. That was before the new age of "feelings and talking". The same friend also told his mother that her cunt smelled like stinky cheese. Oddly, she laughed and said "Do you see how he talks to me?". I long for those young boy days............With a girl like you.......UH...........With a girl like youuuuuuuuuuu.Sometimes when I'm in a public restroom and a good friend is in the next stall, I pee on the ground so it goes into the friends stall. When my friend asks "WHY?" I say, "God made me do it!".
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My Interests

Being alone, excrement, crying, April Fools Day, axes, axis, terror, President Bush (Go Bush), hamsters, hamstrings, Dictionary, Jewel, pocket knives, nudity (that one's not a joke), eyeballs, candy mountain, chutes and ladders, repairing cars, sewing, engineering and cross country skiing.

I'd like to meet:

YOUR MOTHER! That way I'll be able to figure out where you got your awful looks and personality from.

Music:

I don't really care for that Britney Spears.

Television:

I'll be serious here: The Real Housewives or Orange County (classic), Kathy Griffin (or is it Griffith?), The Real World, My SUPER Sweet 16 and The Simpsons.

Books:

OK, Style, Men's Vogue, Entertainment Weekly and War and Pece.

Heroes:

My dog Lucky. He pulled 3 babies from a burning building before that firey beam came down on all of them! NO one survived, but Lucky was a hero anyway!!! God took Lucky from us too early. He was a sun that set too soon.