FATBOY

Welcome to Bawstin For those of you who have never been to "Bawstin", this is a good guideline. I hope you will consider coming to "Beantown" in the near future. For those who call New England home, this is just plain great! Information on Boston and the surrounding area: There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street. Back Bay streets are in alphabetical "oddah": Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth, etc. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D, etc. If the streets are named after trees (e.g. Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley. Massachusetts Ave is Mass Ave; Commonwealth Ave is Comm Ave; South Boston is Southie. The South End is the South End. East Boston is Eastie. The North End is east of the former West End. The West End and Scollay Square are no more; a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night. Roxbury is The Burry, Jamaica Plain is J.P. How to say these Massachusetts city names correctly: **Say it wrong, be shunned** Worcester: Wuhsta (or Wistah) Gloucester : Glawsta Leicester Lesta Woburn: Wooban Dedham : Dead-um Revere: Re-vee-ah Quincy: Quinzee Tewksbury : Tooks berry Leominster : Lemin-sta Peabody: Pee-ba-dee Waltham : Walth-ham Chatham: Chaddum Samoset: Sam-oh-set or Sum-aw-set but nevah Summerset! Definitions: Frappes have ice cream, milkshakes don't. If it is fizzy and flavored, it's tonic. Soda is CLUB SODA. "Pop" is Dad. When we want Tonic WATER, we will ask for Tonic WATER. The smallest beer is a pint. Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you paid more than $6/pound, you got scrod. It's not a water fountain; it's a bubblah. It's not a trashcan; it's a barrel. It's not a spucky, a hero or grinder,... it's a sub. It's not a shopping cart; it's a carriage. It's not a purse; it's a pockabook. They're not franks; they're haht dahgs; Franks are money in Switzahland. Police don't drive patrol units or black and whites they drive a "crooza". If you take the bus, your on the "looza crooza". It's not a rubber band, it's an elastic. It's not a traffic circle, it's a rotary. "Going to the islands" means Martha's Vineyard & Nantucket. The Sox = The Red Sox The C's = The Celtics The B's = The Bruins The Pats = The Patriots Things not to do: Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd .. they'll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Summahville (Somerville). Don't sleep on the Common. (Boston Common) Don't wear Orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day. Things you should know: There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings (one old, one new for each). The colored lights on top the old Hancock tell the weatha': "Solid blue, clear view...." "Flashing blue, clouds due...." "Solid red, rain ahead...." "Flashing red, snow instead...." - (except in summer; flashing red means the Red Sox game was rained out) Route 128 is also I-95 south. It's also I-93 north. The underground train is not a subway. It's the "T", and it doesn't run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk). Order the "cold tea" in China Town after 2:00 am you'll get a kettle full of beer. Bostonians... think that it's their God-given right to cut off someone in traffic. Bostonians...think that there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's). Bostonians...think that three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave. Bostonians...refer to six inches of snow as a "dusting." Bostonians...always "bang a left" as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it. Bostonians...believe that using your turn signal is a sign of weakness. Bostonians...think that 63-degree ocean water is warm. Bostonians...think Rhode Island accents are annoying.