Louise

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch break, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an outlaw in Peru.Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I was scouted by the Cubs, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and an avid riverboat gambler. Critics worldwide swoon over my original corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Last summer I toured India with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. Children trust me.I can hurl racketball rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and all my bills are paid. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.