Well. I grew up in a bag, until i turned zero and fell out. Although extremely messy, my first experience with a vagina is one I will never forget. My birthplace was Roseburg Oregon, where beavers are in style to this day. There, lies fond memories of Price is Right, and long staring sessions with my grandmothers vericose veins. When I was five, we moved to California; Home of wheatfields, countless brown people, and porn. In the various third world counties ive lived in, I took up such interests as alluminum can collecting, milk crate basketball. and 'Toasy O' finger hockey. At a young age, I discovered the art of the onesome and have been 'mastering' the art ever since. My book should be available for purchase by March. In the sixth grade, I developed my first crush. Detectives have yet to find her body. After California failed to grant our wishes of non powdered milk, wheels instead of cinderblocks, and Thanksgivings with turkey that doesnt come in a ziplock bag, we moved to Reno, Nevada. Reno is where I went through puberty, and met my two very best friends; VCR and Jergins. We are inseperable to this day. At the supple age of 16, my pimples were of no concern to the 26 year old woman that now has my virginity in her purse. Circus grunge love in mass quantities has been my reason for breathing ever since. Although wealth never found us in Reno, my GED did. Not long after the victory over the education system, I decided to kill all financial potential at the roots, and joined the Army. I was stationed at 75th Ranger Regiment for three years in Georgia, where every 87 Chevrolet Celebrity has 20" chrome rims, and ranch dressing is as close as the nearest faucet. In the year two thousand and zero, I relocated to 1st Special Forces Group, Ft. Lewis, Washington. A state where you can find the sexiest of single mothers, and the deepest of cloud tans. I started my stand up comedy career by performing at open mic's at the Comedy Underground, Seattle. I believed that at the very least, my style could appeal to women, as they have been lauging at me for years. Since then, I have performed at the deceptively named "Giggles" comedy club, Seattle, Happy Days casino, Tacoma Wa., The Wonder Bar, Seattle, and hosted numerous shows at both Comedy Underground, Seattle, and Tacoma, Wa. Among these venues were many urban comedy shows I've done, in attempt to further pitch my soon to be famous "Pop Your Blue Collar" comedy tour. I am now stationed in Germany, where mullets and mowhawks are respected, kindergarteners get beat up by 1st graders for their beer money, and every dance involves energetic pointing of the fingers. My plan for now is to bribe (not blow) my local USO rep into getting me some European USO spots. Until then, Ill continue my CD project, and writing bad captions for myspace pictures. Log onto my site www.ImNotBill.com often, and keep an eye out for me in your local comedy club, adult dvd rack, or girls highschool locker room.
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