whoever claimed that dating is fun has not been on the dates i have. as i date a lot, it has afforded me the opportunity of concocting a recipe for an awful date.if you want me to prefer chinese water torture to your company: spend the entire date bragging about your alleged intelligence. (Note: bravado is not an adequate substitute for true intelligence or tact.) if you believe you have superior intellect, have something other than words to show for it.if you want me to laugh whenever i hear your name: drone on and on about your work. make sure i am well aware of how important you are. drop words like, 'my assistant' often. make sure to tell me about the time Bill Gates contacted you for financial counsel at least twice in the span of an hour.if you want to be certain that i will tell everyone about your third nipple - the one you like suckled: cut the date short claiming that you just remembered that you have another date later that evening. detail how hot your date later this evening is. for good measure throw in a few cursory comments of how your later date bears a striking resemblance to a Victoria's Secret model (even when she leaves her runway stilettos at home.)if you want me to construct a voodoo doll of you: insult my intelligence. insult my home. insult the dog i do not have. (Note: we all know that insecurity lies in the ability to put others down. if you were truly intelligent you would know enough to use an alternative means of insolence.)if you want me to tell all of the greater Metropolitan area what a dipshit you are: insist that i call you "Daddy" during sex. (HOOSIER DADDY?!?!?) spank me hard and often. call me "Mommy." (uggghhh)yeah.