lost in the darkness of my own circumstance
...Don't let it take you in this far......a trip inside my brain would be filled with slippery roads and crazy lights, flashing at odd intervals to the tune of a pink floyd song, played backwards in a two-by-two room, one speaker, and a open-circut light switch, wires exposed and a hole large enough to see three feet into the crevices of the wall, spider webs, scratching, and emptiness...I don't know how much you know about anorexia, but it is basically total mind games. After being told many times and actually seeing it at times, my perception is so warped. I can remember my best friend taking pictures of my naked body and then showing me how I looked because if I were to look in a mirror I'd see fat, even being a size zero. It's tough to explain this warped perception, but later on I learned that many people with eating disorders have a condition called body dysmorphia, which is a distorted view of their true size. What I learned from my therapist is that what happens is, when you fear something you inherently perceive it as larger. And since an anorexic's biggest fear is fat, when he/she looks in the mirror, he/she sees fat magnified. You can think of it like this: say you have arachnophobia and you spot a tiny spider. Because youre terrified of spiders, you may "see" it as gigantic. You might even notice hair and fangs that aren't there. The same thing usually happens when an anorexic looks in the mirror. I can remember at my sickest I felt like I was trapped in the bottom of a well with no way out.Those unbeknownst to the world of eating disorders think it is all about weight and calories. Preoccupation about food and dieting is only part of the whole picture. Eating disorders are actually complex conditions that evolve from a combination of behavioral, emotional, interpersonal, psychological and social factors. Just like no two individual fingerprints are exactly the same, neither is a person’s relationship to the eating disorder or reasons behind its development. There are several factors research shows can contribute to the development of eating disorders
"It is the minds of men that make war. Women are the architects of peace."
...come on girls, we are the peace makers! We need to take charge and stop leaving everything up to men. But what are we doing instead? Each one of us is a piece of meat.
That's what you are. And we're all playing along with it. We are starving ourselves in hopes to be "perfect" and beautiful when true beauty is within. I'm furious. Some rich bastard is lying in a pool in the Bahamas laughing saying, "those stupid skinny women who fell for the "diet" adds we put in all those magazines and now they are sick and I am rich, haha!"
Take a good look at what you are doing. You have no control with Anorexia. I am the sacrifice and boy am I pissed off about it, really mad...angry that I have been used, manipulated, by the diet industry the beauty industry the advertising industry...their all making money off my health. Well, I'm enraged that inserted into my physique at a very formative age, before I had any say over it, is an image of beauty that is physically unattainable for me. I was told that that is beautiful and this is not. I was taught to hate the only body I'm ever going to get. I actually understand the mindset of a women who says she'd rather die than gain weight. I'm enraged that I was dragged down to the underworld to the land of the dead by the Lord of thin. I swallowed the seed, the food of the dead. I swallowed the seed of the lie. It told me, "only if you are thin will you be beautiful, and only if you are thin and beautiful ONLY THEN will you be loved." I swallowed the lie and it sat in my belly for years this hard heavy cold thing. But now I water it with all the energy I found in my rage, and out of that little seed comes a tiny green shoot a little sprig of new life, I am reborn. I am reborn every time I tell myself I love my body. I am reborn every time I write on a piece of paper "I love my body." I write it everyday. Some days I believe it and some days I don't, but I write it every day anyhow. I write it every day as a way to fight back, I write it every day because it is a subversive act in the world that we live in for a women to love her body.
you just can't win, the things you own...OWN YOU.
KEEP THE SOUL, THAT'S CONTROL
this body's a cave, we're dead in here anyway"All my limitations are self-imposed, and my liberation can only come from true self-love."-Max Robinson
(((after a 70 day hospitalization)))and i would give you more
when ive given to myself
& i would hear you better
when ive listened to myself& i would see you more
when ive learned to love myself
and i would know you more deeply
when ive learned to know myselfYou can NOT measure pain on a scale... ALL people with Eating Disordors suffer....before i was consumed...
This too shall pass
one time I let my head rest
...so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it doesn't make a difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees...Click here to get Falling ObjectsThese are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fall This is the wonder of devotion - I see the torch we all must hold. This is the mystery of the quotient - Upon us all a little rain must fall .I wanna hold your hand...
"Anorexia became my noble pursuit -- my mission. It was a way I could define myself, and so, it became an inseparable part of me."
People don't understand that those with an anorexia are not shallow. They feel too much. They feel like they don't exist, and as if they are too present. They feel the need to whither like their feelings.Today, and every day forward, I CHOOSE LIFE!I hereby promise to fully participate in this life as it was so generously given to me, recognizing it as a gift always.It is my desire and conscious CHOICE to walk through each step of the journey ahead of me,
by honoring and respecting the body given to me, with all its imperfections, pains and scars,
treasuring the story they tell and the lessons they have taught me through my darkest hours.Today, I recognize my body as vulnerable and human, undeserving of the shame or judgment
I once tormented myself with daily.Simply, I CHOOSE love over hate.I accept my curves, my rounded and natural God-given body with sincere and honest JOY!Today, I am willing to trust, to accept, to honor, to celebrate,
to embrace COURAGE, STRENGTH, and WISDOM
in the nourishment of my life, the challenges that lie ahead of me, knowing that nothing need ever define my life or my body again!Today, I embrace my power, my inner wisdom and most importantly
MY VOICE!
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