I am the first person to ever have a spam sandwich and a glass of silk for breakfast. I also know the first person to ever strut in a cave. I once jumped on a trampoline with a daughter of an ABBA member. Am I the only person to listen to Prince while on my way to hunt squirrels? I think so yes. I gave somebody an ar-15 for a wedding present. I am a good friend and that's proof. The last autobiography I read was Ray Romano's. I'm so embarrassed. I just picked it up and I couldn't stop. There is a silicon chip with my name on it aboard NASA's spacecraft, Dawn. It's currently headed towards Ceres, recently anointed a "dwarf planet" by the International Astronomical Union. I need more sweat pants in my life. This guy Shane taught me this ritual called "Terminator." I crouch in the shower in the “naked terminator†pose. With eyes closed I crouch for a minute and visualize either Arnold or the guy from the 2nd movie. I then start to hum the T2 theme. Slowly I rise to a standing position and open my eyes. It helps me get through my day. It's GREAT to do before job interviews! I listened to hatebreed while I did my taxes. I like the smell of horse shit. I am relatively certain that I am the only person other than Ray Parker Jr to sing the song Ghostbusters in front of an audience then immediately throw up afterwards. There is also a good chance that I was present when the sentence, "He's fine, he just threw up a little bit on the table" was first spoken. I have taken part in a cavity search. I might be the most boring person on earth. I feel this way because I dream about getting haircuts or oftentimes I'm not even in my own dreams at all. One of my life's biggest regrets is that I didn't photograph the porta potty graffiti I saw while working as a carpenter that stated, "Wanted: The man who shit in my hard hat." I believe that the New York Yankees have a bunch of money in some kind of bunker and they are sequestering plans to destroy America. I sold a pair of knockoff Jordans in less than thirty seconds. When I'm bored at work, I like to think about my fake boxing career and I oftentimes fantasize about hunting pitbulls with a baseball bat while riding a horse. Somebody once said I have the "Long Beach Look." I once soiled myself in the hospital because I refused to get up because Indiana Jones was on television. I am thrilled about my vision plan. I am the recipient of the deepest text message ever composed. It said, "I agree. Because thru this suffering you are learning. The lessons need to be learned before one can holistically transcend the human conditon." The author is wise and I hold them in high regards. I think of the movie Goodfellas every time I chop garlic....every time.
I have seen the following movies in the theater:
mannequin 2
white men can't jump
beverly hillbillies
revenge of the nerds II
what women want
camp nowhere
heavyweights
ernest goes to camp
double impact
universal soilder
lionheart
captain ron
cool runnings
Turner and Hooch
Gremlins 2
Bring it On (twice in 24 hours)
Total Recall
Bill and Teds Bogus Journey
Deep Blue Sea
Bebe's Kids
Problem Child
Son In-Law
Honey I Shrunk the Kids
Honey I Blew up the Kids
Suburban Commando
Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead
I like to document things
