Shell

Dear Abby,I am a crack dealer in Columbus who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Worthington and one of my sisters, who lives in Dublin, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Grove City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Lucasville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of sexual misconduct. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Atlanta and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Michigan fan?Signed,Worried About My Reputation?______________________________________An airplane was about to crash; there were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes for them to use.The first passenger said, "Well, I'm Jo Paterno. I have more wins than any other coach in the Big 10 Conference. My team needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.The second passenger, Lloyd Carr, said "I too can not afford to die. Too many loyal Wolverine fans depend on me to bring glory to the university. I am the most ambitious and clever coach in the country." With that, he grabbed the second parachute and hurriedly jumped out of the plane.The third passenger, Jim Tressel, says to the fourth passenger, a ten year-old school boy "Son, I have lived a full life and enjoyed many successes. You have your entire life in front of you. As a Christian man, I am willing to sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."The boy said, "It's OK Mr. Tressel, there's still a parachute left for you. America's cleverest coach took my school backpack."______________________________________A teacher in a Michigan elementary school asks her class what they see themselves as. She says "I'm a WOLVERINE!!! Who else is a wolverine?"Wanting to be like their teacher, all of the children raise their hands, except one. The teacher asks her why she feels the need to be different."I'm not a Wolverine, I'm a Buckeye," the girl says, to which the teacher responds "Why?"The girl says, "Because my mother was a Buckeye, and my father was a Buckeye!"The teacher asks, "Well what if your mother was a Wolverine and your father was a Wolverine? Would you be a wolverine then?"The girl says, "No, then I'd be a moron who can't graduate and flips burgers."______________________________________Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the woman answers, "241.""That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the Mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss."Next Albert introduces himself to a man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the gentleman answers, "144." "That's great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."Albert responds, "How 'bout them Wolverines?"______________________________________You're stranded on a deserted island with three people: a cannibal, a mass murderer, and a guy in a Michigan hat. You have gun with only two bullets remaining.Who do you shoot?The Michigan fan... twice.______________________________________Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Boilermaker hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for Purdue!" as he fell to his doom.Not wanting to be out done, the Wildcat threw himself off the mountain proclaiming "This is for Northwestern!"Seeing this the Buckeye walked over and shouted "This is for everyone!!" and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.______________________________________A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Michigan joke?"The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Michigan alumni.The guy sitting next to me is 6 ' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Michigan alumni.The fella next to him is 6 ' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Michigan alumni.Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"The first guy says, "NAH, not if I'm gonna have to explain it THREE times."______________________________________Two Wolverines boarded a shuttle flight out of Detroit for Chicago. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat, beside him.Just before takeoff, a Buckeye got on and took the aisle seat next to the Wolverines. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in,when the Wolverine in the window seat, said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Buckeye, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Wolverine picked up the Buckeye's shoe and spit in it.When the Buckeye returned with the coke, the other Wolverine said, "That looks good; I think I'll have one too." Again, the Buckeye obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Wolverine picked up the other shoe and spit in it.The Buckeye returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Chicago. As the plane was landing, the Buckeye slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened."How long must this go on?" the Buckeye asked. "This enmity between our peoples? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"______________________________________