I remember a man once called father
Then called daddy
Late at night standing
At my bedroom door crying
At the time I did not understand what for
But now I understand a little more
I remember cool-aid smiles sinking
And skinny lipped frowns growing
As schoolyard laughter changed
To silent study hall whisperings
Along with unladylike posture
With legs no longer crossed
Because all girls and boys must grow up
Or at least so some say
I remember orange yellow trick or treat nights
Turn into red hot passionate flights
No longer door to door candy corn and lollypops
But lustfully laying in a sheetles bed
Shared by both her and I
As we let each touch lead to something more
I remember playful kindergarten dreams
Change from superheroes and the three ninjas
Into just a night without
My Mommy and Daddy yelling
I remember the fun and the strange
I saw from behind rolled up grass
And half closed eyes
And how it changed me into a more liked
Shyly shy boy
I remember my partner in crime drowning
With his eyes all the way closed
And his mouth never closing
From behind that same wonderful burning roach
I remember how strange it felt
To have sex with her again
After holding her close the night before
As we waited on the test to tell us
Why she was twelve days late
I remember being a lousy country boy
Then turning into a lousy unneeded poet
Writing down words that do
A better job of hiding everything
Then of showing anything
I remember games turning into excuses
For going farther then should be gone
Knowing what it would mean
If they were ever seen
I remember bedroom walls
Changing thirteen times
All before the age of
My lost innocents
If I ever had it to begin with
I remember love flying
Down pipe dream caves
And ending up being nothing
But silly hopes and dreams
Of out running my haunting memories
I remember black eyed angels
And shaven vixens
Turning into growling puppies
And watching as
They faked stupidity
All to redundantly
I remember the meaningless
Having the most meaning
I remember the expectations
Of banging the cutes and the skinniest
Turning into the hopes and dreams
Of marrying my only one
I remember village homes
Turning into city stones
Stretching just out of reach
From the cigarette littered streets
I remember feeling cold and lost
Then moving beyond to pissed and scared
All because I didn’t win
All because she wouldn’t give in
I remember bits of my life
While just standing here
Hunched over this bar
Working at the coffee shop
In a room full of people
Yet knowing I’m really alone
I stand here and wait
But what for
Just so I can leave
And go someplace else
Where I can be alone some more
Left with nothing but what I have
Memories of lost loves
Lost childhood dreams
And maybe even a little bit of lost sanity
But whose keeping track
Of such petty things
-Charles J. Brokaw
Pyzam - Gradient Green
