I like masturbating with broccili whilst watching Dirk Benedict playing connect 4 or masturbating with Dirk Benedict whilst watching broccili playing connect 4. Playing guess what part of my body is touching you now. Pretending I have friends by drawing faces on carrier bags and placing them over various objects in my flat to have conversations with them, my only problem with this is that they all speak Italian and I can't understand.
Smothering myself in bird poo to give me that urban look.
Covering CDs in flammable liquid, setting light to them and flinging them at door to door salespeople.
Competing in "Guess how much custard can fit in ones underpants" competitions. I have become so good that I now enter in the league above where the custard in scolding hot, there is nothing quite like a freshly burnt genitalia.
Playing guess who's arse is poking out of the curtains.
When I'm bored I play the number game with myself where I start counting from 1 upwards, when I reach 10.000 half an hour has passed. Wicked!
Making love to rubber chickens. Wearing crotchless pants, the ladies love it.
Playing see who's forehead makes the loudest noise from my johnson slapping against it. Cock fighting, the traditional way.
I'd like to meet:
A gristle harvester. The horse from "Canadian Horse Whipping Anal Intruder"
Music:
Cliff Richard, Edna and the Supervisers, Janee Pinkletoe, Clyde Screwballer, Metallica, The Antihovers, George Formby, Erik Eclatic, Michael Berk, Pantera, Cart Dodo, Humphrey Huffner, Attack of the Barriankles, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Shit Sprayer, Tickle my Fluffy Bits.
Movies:
Canadian Horse Whipping Anal Intruder, Hot and Sweaty Arse Cracks R Us, The Pile Violator, The Ejaculator, The Ejaculator 2 Masturbation Day..
Television:
Sons and Daughters and The Sullivans
Books:
"I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble gum and I'm all outa bubble gum" by The Duke.
"The Unsure Mind of Arthur Klagpacket and other Blutac Fetishes" by Helmut Knutkrust
Heroes:
Chuck Norris Eddie the Eagle Edwards and The man who invented clams
