This is my Purple Unicorn Story -- and I'm stickin' to it!"
I don't believe in luck. I believe in unicorns. Purple unicorns. “Why,†you ask? They signify horses...with coats of purple. Oh, and uh...a pointy thing sticking out of their foreheads. And they have wings. They signify Tri-star Pictures. “Why do I believe in them?†Simply, I believe in them because a troll forced me to.
Well, one day I was chasing the end of a rainbow and when I finally got there, I had to cross a bridge. As I was about to cross the bridge a goat stopped me. He was very nervous, said that I shouldn't cross that bridge. For there was a troll that lived underneath the bridge and he would eat me if I tried to cross. Besides, it was noon and he hadn't had lunch yet.
This startled me. "Wow, you talk?†I asked. To which the goat replied, "Now, why would you ask me that after you heard everything I just said?" And I said, "Because I'm startled by the fact that you can talk."
"Yeah, most people are," he said quizzically.
"How do you do that?"
"How do I do what?"
"Talk. How do you talk?"
"It’s a combination of movements between my lips and tongue as I exhale."
"Wow," I said in complete and utter shock. "Do you know how much money we can make?"
He said he wasn't interested and, besides, his last agent screwed him out of 25%, and the union holds that an agent to a talking goat is allowed up to no more that 15%. So he could no longer trust a human being. And the sex wasn't that great either. This grossed me out completely.
"He took 25% from you!" I said grossly. "That rat bastard!"
We proceeded to talk a bit about politics and the upcoming election and he said he was voting for change. “If you want change, just stop in at a gas station and ask. They might ask you to buy something first though. But they normally have, like, these 5 cent mints so it's not that bad a deal," was my reply – verbatim. On top of which, he needed a mint. Goat breath is bad. I mean, they eat anything.
Okay, so after a few hours of conversation, I noticed that the sun was slowly peeking through the clouds and that the rainbow was fading fast, so I quickly got dressed and ran as fast as I could to the end of the rainbow, because I knew that this goat would not allow me to use him as a source of income and dagnabit residuals don’t last forever – I needed rent money, okay? The goat tried to warn me again, but was choked up by the cigarette that he had been smoking and as I got to the middle of the bridge, the troll jumped out and grabbed my leg to which I responded, "Say, man, you better let go of me." This was all before I turned around to see a seven-foot troll licking his lips, his eyes burning red.
I knew that I was going to be eaten unless, of course, I could find a scapegoat. So I pointed to the goat that I just had relations with and said, "Spare me and take him. Besides, I’m slender; fat free. He’s got plenty of meat on his bones. And they taste better."
"I will gladly do so, but on one condition," he replied quite feministly.
"Anything! Just don't eat me!"
"You must believe in unicorns. Purple ones."
And I said, "Okay, I believe!"
To which he replied subserviently, "Do you have the time? Jerry Springer is on at one o'clock today, and I want to make sure that I can microwave this beyotch in time to have a TV lunch."
"Nah, man, the watch I’m wearing is for show; it don't work," was my sexist reply.
"Lemme see that," he demanded as if he had a cotton ball in upper right side of his cheeks -- y’know, right in between the gum and cheek? Yeah, like that. That’s how he said it.
He looked at my watch and smiled, "It's a pretty good lookin' watch, though. I see why you wear it.†Then we hugged and agreed not to ever fight again, for purple unicorns believed in peace. Peace between trolls and man, man and unicorn. But goats...goats need only burn in hell!!!
Finally, he asked in a Seventies Jive kinda way, “Say, Jack, you know where I can get some Visine?â€
THE END
By the way, the end of the rainbow was a mirage, a dream. It didn't actually exist, which made me sad.
Your Job Sucks!
Wingmen: Pilot
My Acting Reel
"Serial Dating" The film that won me and my Co-Lead Besting Acting in the 2007 48-hour Film Festival, Los Angeles
"Where There's a Will"
"The Craig Frank Chronicles"
My Sony commercial.
Me, Shaq and some dude just hangin' out, shootin' a commercial.
Me, Ced and some dudes just hangin' out, shootin' a commercial.
Me, Romany Malco and Page Kennedy -- oh, yeah -- and some dudes hangin' out, shootin' an episode of "Weeds."
Me and some girls hangin' out, shootin' an episode of AMC Date Night.
Me and The Lost Boyz playin' basketball, winning our first ever championship. Our total so far: 14 championships.