110% AWESOME.
Real-life conversations with strangers:
Stranger: "Hey, what are you doing later?"
Me: "Going home and going to sleep."
Stranger: "You're boring."
Me: "Yeah, I am."
PARTY 'TIL YOU PUKE 2007!!!!! Current score: Girls 11 (?!), Boys 6.
Personal tally: 0.
Dodgers' record in 2007 when I was in attendance: 2 - 3
Kings' record this season when I am in attendance: 1-0-0
Body language:
"I’m putting on the beer goggles and going in." (For God’s sake, stop me.)
"If I do one more shot I will vomit. So make it a good one."
In no particular order: baseball (go Dodgers!!!); football (go Steelers!!!); poker; gin Tanqueray & tonic (I think I've finally graduated from well-drinks); dancing; bars (such as Footsies, Short Stop, Capri); beer (Newcastle, Fosters, Red Stripe, Widers -- which I guess is technically a cider but whatever); inappropriate dance outbursts; Hooters (for WINGS AND FRIES); bicycling; music non-stop; comedy jams; lamenting the demise of record stores; buying CDs; not downloading anything, ever; the art of music criticism; acting a fool; jokes and jokes and jokes; working all the time; my top 8 is love aka my family; napping on Saturday afternoons after work; sleeping in on Sundays until well past noon; the cities of Hollywood, Eagle Rock, Echo Park and Covina; driving; car washes; shots of Jack to rally; flipping coins; Boyzone; numerical sobriety checkpoints; all-time carpool captain; my racoon mask of easy drunkenness; medium-rare steak; oatmeal-raisin cookies; the Los Angeles Times; being an easy target for mockery; smoking Camel Lights, but only when tipsy or more, so as to keep it "social"; always having a good time because it's not about what you're doing, it's about who you're with; commitment-phobe; only-child; my fragile family tree (the understatement of the century); public, private and finally home-schooled; opinionated; diplomatic; bad with phones; not getting any younger; always so nostalgic; a piercing cackle of a laugh; 2 weeks in High Point, North Carolina every March and October; livin' single in a 2-bedroom; karaoke jams; glass half-full optimism (most of the time).
Inquire within for more details. Subject to change without notice. Can not be combined with other offers. All sales final.
...
Have you ever missed your girl so much you followed her, only to find out she was steppin' out on you with some alley-cat-coat-wearing, punch-bucket-shoe-wearing crumbcake? If you haven't been there, you will someday. And when that day comes, you need to be prepared. Do NOT follow that first impulse and do a Rambo and flat-blast both of them. Take a deep breath and chill. Then, get some hot chocolate on the stove and let Oran "Juice" Jones show you step-by-step how to teach her a valuable lesson she'll never forget:
