Eating apples. Killing jokes. Farting on people's food just before they take a bite. Listening to J-Pop real loud and running around stabbing "monsters" like I'm actually in an anime. Punching old lady's til they cry for Jesus. Smacking pregnant mothers with a 8 oz. NY Strip Steak I always keep on my person.......ALWAYS. Licking dogs balls to see what all the hype is about. Smashing my head into things when I'm drunk. Girls who are funnier than I am. Poking the homeless with sticks to see if they're still alive. Trying to understand why interpersonal relationships make my head hurt. Swinging a cat around my head while wearing a diaper. Playing dice with God and winning. Realizing that the person who claims they are "God" is just a guy named Knife-Ya-For-Pez-Mike. Feeding the hungry with styrofoam peanuts. Making a life-sized sculpture of Geddy Lee out of cheese.......I know what you're thinking..........the answer is.........Gouda.
Trent Reznor, Jesus Christ (Superstar!), Joe Don Baker (in Mitchell! He's a cop!), Ghandi (So I can give him a fuckin' sammich), Layne Staley (So I could try and convince him not to kill himself and that he made some of the best damn music in the world), every mother of a boy band fag (while pregnant with said boy band fag so I can kick them in the stomach), Milla Jovavich (so hot!), Fabio (so I can kick him in the balls and run like a girl), every fuckin' rude ass customer that comes into Jerry's Art Supply Warehouse...in a dark alley....with a blunt object, Norman Rockwell (cuz that man could paint), that guy who can do that stuff, a person made entirely out of Port Wine cheese and naked vagina women.
Hubert Humphreys and the Furious 84. Lessons For The Day. Jimmy's Love For Ears. Gotham City Love Monkeys. Shitstains Mcgee. Poppa Smurf. Cancer Ate My Baby. Foreign Films Make My Head Hurt. Love Stains. I Can't Read This! Lumps To The Lot Of You. Is That Pie? Testicle Tuesday. Harmony Farts. Lemongrass Makes Me Smile, Where's Pablo?, Humungous Fungus Among Us, Liberty Is For Other Countries, Loss Of Hearing Can Make You Deaf, Potty Break, Please For Be Making Fuck With Your Hand, Lobster Bisque, Smothered In Man Gravy, Posterior Motives, Henry The Amazing Talking Cheese Sandwich, Smith & Wesson Oil, STFU, Sylvester StallOWNED!, Roast Beef Curtains, Adolf Oliver Bush, Don't Make Me Come Back There, Rice Patty Jamboree, Romona, Queen Of The Local 7-11, Mildly Retarded, Mentally Capable, Portion Tolls, Steady As She Blows, Smarmy Jim, Totally Steve, Where The Hell Is Todd?!,
I own a lot, but it's never enough.
I don't watch TV much. I make the times for Adult Swim on occasion. If I remember I go over my friends' house and watch House cuz that shit is hilarious. I mostly watch the movie channels cuz commercials make me wanna choke a kitten.....with a gun....while pulling the trigger.......while small children watch.
I had a book once. It betrayed me. Damn you Jonathon Livingston Seagull!!!
Plus 1 is my hero. He makes me all antsy in the pantsy.Everybody who can make it through this life is my hero.Everybody who can make me smile is my hero.Everybody who can make me laugh when I don't want to is my hero.Everybody who hasn't given up on me is my hero.I think that makes about 5 of you my heroes.........you know who you are.