Once Upon a Time....- by: JenniferOnce upon a time, on March 22nd 1983 a girl named Jennifer was born.
Her mother says that she had the biggest head in the entire nursery.
Her mother also said that because of this, she looked like E.T.
If that wasn't enough, God gave her the last name Grow.
And everyone always thinks they're a comedian... "Jenn you need to grow"
To these people she says: I hope I am reincarnated as Comedy Central so I'll never have to see you again.
Mostly she just tells people that she is a walking oxymoron
And that one day she will grow shortlyHooray for highbrow humor.... ok now back to the story.
When Jennifer was younger she used to want to be a hula dancer.
Then as time passed by, she learned that she couldn't dance.
So she decided to be smart and funny instead.
And that is how she ended up here writing about herself in the third person.
And I bet this story makes you envision Jenn tap dancing for nickles in the immediate future.
(But I don't have any tappity-tap-tap-tappin' shoes.....
.....And I already told you I can't dance!)
So if you would be so kind as to let me sleep on your couch, or find me a type writing monkey wearing a sailor suit...I would really like to meet you.
And here are some things that I have learned through experience....Contrary to popular belief, if you stay really still a bee will still sting you.I know because one landed on my nostril, and I stayed as still as a corpse in the morge... I didn't even breathe.
And I got to watch that little jerk stick his rear end high up into the air, and then jab his stinger into my nose.
This is why I hate bees because they lie.
You should always wear clean underwear, especially if you are on vacation.
Because you never know when you're going to get into a car wreck.
And you never know when the paramedics will walk in on you while you're trying to make lemonade, to ask you for your health insurance card. Thank God I was wearing clean underwear. Grandma was right.
If you see something on a girl's keychain that looks like a flashlight... don't play with it kids, unless you ask what it is first.
My dad did that once, and ended up macing himself in the face. Though that was unfortunate, it was still funny.
If you see a car racing you trying to get over...
Sometimes you should just let them over even though they don't have on their turning signal.
Because even though you can get to work and get a good parking spot and that makes you happy...
The laugh will be short lived when you realize that person is your boss.--- TRUE STORY
Don't sit down at a table full of random people because your friend happens to be standing right next to it. You might meet new people, but you'll feel like an idiot when your friend walks up to you with a quizzical look and says...
"Jenn what are you doing? Who are these people?"
And you cannot socially recover from such a circumstance. It's best to just pretend all at once that you've forgotten English and speak all the foreign words you know.
Try to steer clear of people who look like they could be pimps in real life, because if you are sitting at a table by yourself, they will come over to you and want to kiss your hand. Then you have to let them because you don't know what they'll do if you don't.
You can spot them because they'll be wearing fur coats in the summer time with a white top hat and a silver tipped cane. Nothing good will ever come from this.
Be thankful for the people who love you, because life would seem a lot longer without them in it. (I heart you Christi)
And also be thankful for the people who hate you, because it is through them you will learn your own strength.
And I think now story time is currently in hiatus, because it will never be over until I am dead.
Period. Fin. ;)
cursor by avlays
