Slavicula profile picture

Slavicula

You say life is a Cabernet, I smash your face in

About Me

Born and raised in one of the last bastions of Naziesquity (If you will) regime of oppression, bitterness and short-sightedness, otherwise beautiful and pastoral Bloemfontein, South Africa, I've made Hollywood (The greatest little big town on earth), CA, my new home. My grammar is terrible, so if you pick up on it and want to help me out, please do. If I had issues with ego, I'd tell you to eat a dick, but I'll wait until you've built me up enough before I let you have it. Hahaha. Think on it for a bit and get back to me.I love animals, both for companionship and consumption and don't have time for most human beings, paying particular disrespect and nefarious disdain to the oxygen thieving, sanctimonious pigs who try to convince me that there 'must be a god' just before he or she hits another line and nabs some skank, male or female out back to get tucked up extra-dirty. You know who you are and if you're reading this, stop justifying yourself and your ways to the imaginary me that you're chatting to. I'm not there and can't hear you, but if I was, I'd probably cower and agree anyway, even though I hate you very much and have been jealous on occasion.My music of choice is metal. To be more specific, but in no way in an effort to genre-tize anything, I like "viking" metal, melodic "black" metal and various other off-shoots, I absolutely love British music from the 70's through the early 90's, with The Smiths garnering my noblest curtsy and resounding tribute shower-singing (I hope the neighbors like meat is murder)I live for British comedy. Both classic and some of the modern stuff. The Brits have wit and wisdom streets ahead of the vast majority of their American counterparts. Don't believe me? Just hack your dvd player and watch some of it, if you dare (She who dares wins, innit?)Not that it really matters, but I'm Lithuanian by heritage and everyone knows we're the best of the Baltic, no buts about it. We were also the last people to surrender Paganism to the murderous and dirty Judeo-Christian hordes and while not many Lithuanians admit to being proud of that, I smile a little when I think of it.Want to know more? Just ask. I have nothing to hide with the exception of my forked tongue and horns (and this beanie doesn't fool anyone).

My Interests

Whatever doesn't cater to, isn't endorsed by or hasn't being wholly-corrupted because of the unwashed masses, my interests are rich and varied. As I said earlier, I love oddball British comedy, disinformation (documentary), a lot of different metal music and ogrish.com- The daily rotten, drudgereport.com and engrish. Most foreign films, however good or not-so-good they may be b/c some memory of them invariably makes its way into my head and that, to me, is the sign of something worthwhile. If it forces a memory upon you, it's mission was a success.I like cooking, heading over to the rainbow for a bit of fun, Cognac, coke once in a while (not the bad sort with the caffeine in it), going down to the beach, making fun of the dumbest president in the history of my life, George dubya, Armenians.. I like Armenians, Gayane, gin, leather, piercings, classy tattoos (is there such a thing??), short skirts, big boots, prescription stuff, blades and guns, ABSINTHE!!!!! Yeeeehawwww!!!- I mean "Jolly good, my dear sir!" Good wine, good champagne and... well fuck, I can't remember. Call me and the other stuff might come up in conversation you inquisitive fuck... Hahaha.If you're elderly and the guards are no longer probing your orifices with their nightsticks, you may be entitled to help. Call your nearest nursing home neglect hot line now!

I'd like to meet:

I'm very picky and with good reason. The vast majority of you are not good enough to talk to me and should probably be dispatched right after reading this (or at least sterilized- for humaneness' sake). If you are open-minded (if you glanced over open-minded without thinking about what it really entails, then give it another look-over). I'm Russian and Lithuanian by blood and have at my lowest moments, lived vicariously through romantic thoughts of war-hardened ancestors hacking their way into and through enemy territory and morale. Somehow I thought that I could do the same in my own way and I now realize that in many ways I do. I've come to accept now that your last name shouldn't affect your attitude towards yourself and others and shouldn't be used as a facilitator of your existence, unless of course you're Lithuanian. Now that I've seen a bit of the light and appreciated that staring up at the family tree for validation is a sure fire recipe for making you look like a sorry asshole to your peers. Plus most people in this world are scum, so being clannish is pointless as well. At least that's what the inside of the cereal box said, but we know better, don't we Mr. Dolly-Doll.Wait, so back to who I'd like to meet: Good people that aren't afraid to be shy, nerdy, goofy, unkempt and imperfect. Bad people that are rotten at heart, but sincere in their badness, bearing no ulterior motives and no hidden agendas. Borderline necrophiliacs, molesters, bankers, lawyers, draft dodgers, trannies, grannies, man-whores and boy-toys, strippers and pipe-fitters, fishermen and longshoreman, power lifters and dumpster divers. You're all welcome in my life if you bring something to the party and I'm friends with quite a few of you already that encapsulate a lot of these qualities. I don't like people who are always broke and I don't like people who don't share drugs. Although a mouth is a mouth and something can always be arranged...Boys and girls, drop me a line and we'll see what we can see...

Music:

I'll mention a few of my favorites and as my friend, you'll get to hear of and very probably hear some of the others.Gentleman, start your engines: Thyrfing, Enslaved, Turisas, Dark Throne, Rammstein, Butterfly temple, Old man's child, dimmu, haggard, hypocrisy, therion, cradle of filth, theatre of tragedy, crash test dummies (yes and fuck you), the smiths, mental home, temnozor, ruination, rotting christ, kovenant, in extremo, mikis theodorakis, notis sfakianakis, asmegin, pashalis terzis, tata simonyan, kind diamond, bathory, einherjer, peccatum, boehse onkelz, forest stream, klamydia, timo rautiainen and trio whatever.., juluka, erasure, jethro tull, mike oldfield, depeche mode, type o, tvangeste, vintersorg, to/die/for, tears for fears, stormlord, skyfire, pet shop boys, ppk, napalm death, hin onde, finntroll, falkenbach, dark tranquility, crowded house, madness, noctiferia, etc, etc, etc, the list goes on...

Movies:

Funny games, the big lebowski, welcome to colinwood, fargo, burnt by the sun, east west, the thief, man bites dog, the dinner game, noi albinoi, man without a past, anton rublyev, crime and punishment, brigada, etc, etc, etc...

Television:

US of A side: King of queens, the simpsons, a&e stuff, travel channel stuff, discovery stuff, FOOD NETWORK!!!!, etc..UK Side: Stuff on Channel 4, ITV, BBC comedy and documentaries & docudramas.

Books:

Can't say I've finished a book since Journey to the center of the earth by Jules Verne (large print, hard cover, 3rd grade, cheap). Most people don't have that much to write that proves any more insightful than keeping my eyes open, so I'm not to broken up about being a "philistine", but I am working on a couple of Ayn Rand works and will eventually attempt Dostoevsky, Joyce, Yates, et al.With his void to fill He takes the pain pill And bites down on a stick As you slide your fist, clasped and thick into the abyss that is his greasy keaster to hide the eggs you bought for Easter..

Heroes:

Anyone, male or female with a figurative pair of balls (the most important sort) who's not afraid to do the right thing in any situation and at any cost. We all know what's right and wrong and those with the courage of their convictions to follow through on making sure they do their part to make a little bit of the right thing happen in this world are my heros. And last but not least, but not last, Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall, John Cleese, Dermot Morgan (R.I.P), Galder (Old man's child), Stephen Patrick Morrissey and Johnny Marr.

My Blog

[Solitary]

Work in progress. Check back in a little bit. This one isn't going to be a riot like the rest of my work you've all come to love, instead, there may be a few riot police scattered here and there and p...
Posted by Slavicula on Mon, 02 Jan 2006 01:52:00 PST

Ask the Psychopath

In this week's feature, Timmy Tomlinson asks Professor De Sade, PhD, Military College at Guantanamo Bay and foremost authority on Chinese water torture and applied toe-nail extraction,&...
Posted by Slavicula on Sun, 25 Dec 2005 02:39:00 PST

Hamster: The day the wheel stopped turning

Parents- got a bit hot under the collar trying to lie about what happened to mister hamster when he started smelling and got mold growing on him? Ey? Did you kid cry for a few days and you feigned sym...
Posted by Slavicula on Thu, 22 Dec 2005 03:29:00 PST

The toffee-apple mafia

Tommy McMayhem, Hugh G. Bhoner and Maxwell T. Bagger were on a mission. A vigilante's quest to avenge the senseless beating of their mother, Marris. In the sad consequence that unfolded one fatef...
Posted by Slavicula on Thu, 22 Dec 2005 03:19:00 PST

Nursing home necro-geriatriphilia afternoons...

A cyanide cap and the old-timers are on their way         &nb sp;         &nb sp;     &...
Posted by Slavicula on Thu, 22 Dec 2005 11:33:00 PST

Fucko, the excrementalist

Fucko, the excrementalist: A story of filth, murder, depravity, juggling and balloon animals for hire. "...It'll make "It" look like ShiT..." (boston globetrotter) "...I almost filled my colostomy bag...
Posted by Slavicula on Tue, 20 Dec 2005 01:08:00 PST

Advice for career sexual murderers...

Hey there, If you're thinking about becoming a sexual murderer, but scared of being caught like that 1-hit wonder Scott Peterson and so many who end up like him, let me share something with you. Think...
Posted by Slavicula on Fri, 09 Dec 2005 05:11:00 PST

Getting sworn in, eventually...

As I stand at the metro courthouse downtown, surrounded by a sea of yellow, black and brown. I can't help but wonder what does this wonderful concept, the dream, mean to me? As the crowd moves and exu...
Posted by Slavicula on Thu, 08 Dec 2005 08:05:00 PST

Forging ahead with 'Forgery for dummies'.

Today... I thought about writing a book "A book about what", you might ask? "A book on forgery called forgery for dummies", I reply Now to learn how to write forgery for dummies. Has anyone seen my co...
Posted by Slavicula on Tue, 29 Nov 2005 05:24:00 PST