Nick - ProfilesArchive

About Me

Alright now A-Rod. Just relax. Everybody here likes you. We're all your friends. You're one of us. Everyone accepts you for who you are. Look, I even included you in this year's Yankees Postseason MS Paint Collage! I consider you to be my 4th best friend in the world. Remember all those times I've pretended to gaze up at the stars with you and talk about girls we have crushes on, batting gloves, chest-waxing, Larry Bowa, and other stuff? You don't have to prove anything to anybody. You're very popular. You're always joking around in the dugout, doing that silly jumping thing with Melky and Robbie, bruising your forearms with Dunksy....you're great. You're really smart, creative, nice....and funny! Remember that time when you yelled at the Blue Jays' third baseman? Hah! That was so funny. You're the cat's pajamas. You're also brave and courageous. And hey, remember that time you hit the walk-off home-run against the Indians and I started jumping up and down yelling, "Yaaaaahhaaaaahhhhh!!!!!! Yaaaaahhhhaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!...............Yaaaaahhhaaaaahhhh! !!!!" Wasn't that fun?! Of course it was. Wouldn't you like to do that again? Me too. So please buddy, do me, Idan, Phil, Lizzy, Nina, my family, the Toms River girls, Billy Crystal, LeBron James, Scott Boras, Freddy the One-Eyed Frying Pan Guy, my un-born children, the kids from the United Way commercial, that stripper from Toronto, and everybody else who likes and supports you a favor....stop striking and popping out with runners on base. That's not something that friends do. When my friends are in scoring position and need my help, I always give them a hug, try to make them smile, tell them that everything will be alright, and take a nice controlled swing at a ball on the outside half of the plate and drive it to the gap in right-center to knock in two runs. It's the little things like that, A-Rod. We're all your friends and we need your help. You're my A-Friend....Friend-Rod. Be a pal.

My Interests

Every Shelley Duncan at-bat. The moment when I realize the opposing team's third-base coach is sending the runner home and the Melky already has the ball. Joba's slider when there are no bugs on his neck. Bobby Abreu's enormous grey glove. Remembering that even though we're down two games, the Indians' closer is still Joe Borowski.

I'd like to meet:

And while you're at it, please tell Matsui to stop bailing out on every friggin' pitch like an 8 year-old and tell Joba to wear a bee-keeper's suit next time he pitches in the god-damn rainforests of Cleveland. Jesus Christ what is with that frickin' city?

Music:

"Oh Please Minger, Keep That Sinker Down"
by Sparky Lyle & the Bleacher-Creatures
"I'm Gonna Do a Good Swing Now Coach"
by Shelley Duncan & His Immense Forehead Orchestra
"My Christmas Wish (That Kyle Farnsworth Would Hit Kenny Lofton in the Throat With a 98 mph Fastball)"
by Roger Clemens & the Cortisone Shots
"Pride of Cleveland (Good Taste at the Ballpark)"
by Cheif Wahoo & the Indians' Fans Wearing Red Face Paint With Big Smiles Painted On Glee Club
"You Suck, Garko"
by Nick Consol & the Garko Sucks Seven

Movies:

Pride of the Yankees.
Yankeeography: Ross Ohlendorf
Saw IV...but only if Dane Cook plays every character (you know, like one of those Eddie Murphy movies)and he says something about being a baseball fan right before his skin gets torn off by 3,000 fish hooks, or before he has too eat his own hands to find the key to let him out of the burning dentist's chair, or before he gets slathered in Spciy Chipotle Bar-B-Que Sauce and put on a plate in front of C.C. Sabatthia, or whatever they have planned for this one. I'd watch that shit every day.

Television:

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to watch Frank TV on my new Sony VEGA while eating one of those Meat Jackpot things from Sonic. Also I'm a big fan of Craig Sager's suits, Jose Mota's sentence structure, Dick Stockton's exhumed and re-animated corpse, and the terrified look in Frank Thomas' eyes every time he has to say something on camera. Yes, it's....The MLB Playoffs on TBS!

Books:

"The Life You Imagine: Life Lessons For Achieving Your Dreams" by Derek Jeter
excerpts: "...If you don't set goals, you're not going to have dreams..."
"...Goals are the achievements along the way to get you to your dreams..."
"...Achieving your goals is the most important step to achieving your dreams, your goals are achievement dreams that are achieved through goals and dream-goals that I achieve through my dreams..."
"...the most important thing to remember about a threesome is that Jessica Alba always needs to be involved in the action, she hates to watch..."

Heroes:

Whoever comes through in Game 3. My money's on Bronson Sardinha.