HHmmmmm..... Well, I was born back in 83, and someday, yes, I probably will die. I know myself fairly well and consider myself to be a fairly interesting guy. And somewhat smart. And somewhat good looking. And somewhat egotistical. I gotta lot of heart but no soul.... sold it to a thin man with a goatee in a red tuexedo for guitar lessons back in high school. High school sucked. No one really knows anyone or themselves, not that well. Contradictions make more sense than straightforward statements. You wanna know who shot Andy Warhol? I did, back when I was running with him in the 60s. That was before the sex change operation... come on, man, it was THE 60s! Plus they threw me in an insane asylum, I mean, you try coping with it! Fucker stole my writing. I write books. And I pour my mind out over the internet airwaves to a few unlucky listeners. Sometimes I paint. Andy was pretty upset, but I was nice and took him to the hospital. He didn't want to go so I had to forcibly kick his scrawny ass out of the 64 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud I was driving at the time. Then I went to Berlin till the heat died down and visited the absinthe parlors just before the Great War brokeout. That was the Vietnam war, and it took place in Amsterdam where I partook in this fabulous thing called Opium and made millions by coming up with a device called a Random Insult Generator, an Alarm-Clock Birth Control Compact, and a way to turn Geraldo Rivera's head into a delicious and nutritous meal. But I donated it all to my favorite charity, Body Parts From the Heart, a non-profit organization dedicated to the idea that we CAN and WILL rid the world of hunger by eating washed-up celebrities. I've seen things no one should ever see. Mirrors. Yikes. I paint. And draw. And I write books and make movies in my basement. Maybe you've seen some of them. And I love my girlfriend. And she loves me. And I'm still trying to find a way out of my head. Had a map. Had to eat it when the winter snows came and buried the Oregon Trail. I don't know if this writing will ever be found, I can only pray that it will, and that it will not be too late. To Whomever Finds This, please send help!! And some In N Out burgers!!! Here ends the last will and testament of Non Sequitur Creature Without Features. Let him be remembered... as a genius. R.I.P.