About Me
I'm a king among Gods. A hero among legends. An idol among icons. I am quite possibly the greatest person who ever lived. I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. I have an incredible short term memory. I swallow diamonds and produce coal. I play chicken with trains, and always win. I have beaten Jesus at rock,paper,scissors on at least 5 separate occasions. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I'm a real man, with lots of chest hair. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. When I set out to do something, I have unbreakable concentration on a superhuman level. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I eat lightning on a daily basis. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. I'm 24 feet tall. Sometimes I sit down and build complex miscellaneous objects and unique furniture out of spare wood. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I can divide by zero. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. I can grow a beard at will. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week for 2 hours, and when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only lard and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have exceptional skill at welding. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. The Greek gods are loosely based on a few of my moods. I invented the wheel, fire, and the Internet, all in one sitting. I'm wrestling no less than 4 bears at any given time. I am completely bulletproof, as well as water-resistant to 100 meters. I am the epitome of greatness. I am the pinnacle of all creation. I am true excellence in its purest form.
