The girl who eats nothing but circus peanuts and radishes, worships linoleum, lives in a large replica of Officer Big Mac stolen from a McDonald's playland, and wears a badger costume 24 hours a day.
This girl is the kind of girl you want to bring home to Mom only if your Mom is well-armed. She has plenty of cheese stored up, sure, but damned if you want it, since you're lactose intolerant anyway. Every time she uses a verb she insists that you applaud her for 19 seconds and do a little twirl in the air. Her perfume is actually mustard, and she's just waiting for someone to point that out so she has an excuse to show them her extensive collection of cat litter from around the world. She only shaves one of her legs, and always collects all the hair and glues it to her other leg. She'll follow you to the end of the earth, but will insist that you stop at EVERY stinkin' Wendy's you pass along the way so she can go inside and ask to speak to the manager and claim that back when they had the Superbar, she saw George Wendt urinating in the thousand island dressing. She stuffs her bra with yogurt, has a tattoo of the yellow pages symbol on her left butt cheek, and every time she buys a new roll of toilet paper she insists on unrolling the entire thing and re-rolling it backwards because she claims the paper manufacturers always put the soft side on the wrong side.
The sex, of course, is fantastic.
If you meet these credentials, then TOUGH CRAP! I'm married, you would-be homewrecker!!
MY BAND:
Worm Quartet - "Comedy synth-punk" is the best description I could come up with. If ya like punky synthy thingies with a weirdass sense of humor, or think that you might, then please check out wormquartet.com , or the Worm Quartet myspace page , dammit!! Lots of free mp3 downloads, including 2004's most requested song of the year on the Dr. Demento show ("Great Idea for a Song")
I like all kinds of crap. To pick a few names at random, how 'bout the Ramones, Helloween, NOFX, They Might Be Giants, Dayglo Abortions, Faith No More, Gamma Ray, KMFDM, Wilco, Meat Loaf, Skold, Alice Cooper, Dimmu Borgir, Goner, Majestic Twelve, Killswitch Engage, Screeching Weasel, Tom Lehrer, Death Cab For Cutie, Bad Religion, Rancid, Anthrax, The Meatmen, The Freeze, Savatage, Sudden Death, M.O.D., and anything written by Jim Steinman.
Spite her man, spite her man - Does wood half-harass, bite her can - Spencer Webb, Annie's eyes - Ketchup thieves, chest-like flies - Loo gout! Ear combs this pie term Ann. - Is east wrong? List and bud - His cod radio hacked up blood - Cannies wing, firm hath read - Tickle hook, of her head - Hate air! Ergo this pie, der man. - In dutch hill, hub night - Hat the zine, oven grime - Lycos re-cough lite - He-haw writhes, jesting thyme - Spied urn man, spied urn man - Friend Lee nay burrowed spy, der man - Will con fest ease egg-Nord? - Auction his Ezra ward - Two hymn, lie fizzy grape pig gaying up - Guinevere tears a haying up - Yule fine, despite her man!
Douglas Adams, Orson Scott Card, Brian Michael Bendis, Peter David, J.M. Demattias, and just to be different, Nick Hornby.
Pac-Man, Mr. Whipple, Tiny Tim, The Loch Ness Monster, and those robot thingies that used to come with Nintendo Entertainment Systems that could spin crap.