keith profile picture

keith

OK, so I went down on Smurfette. Who hasn't?

About Me

I'm a Gemini-Dragon and I often dream about robots chasing me. I enjoy video games, ice cream sandwiches and not doing dishes. I have a camoflauge fetish. I'm slowly and reluctantly growing a reverse-mohawk. I hate it when people feel compelled to do romantic things with family members just because they're the opposite sex. Like giving your grandmom a Valentine or Father-Daughter dances.....creepy! I want to be a philanthropist but I don't have any money. Sometimes I Spoonerize words and mix metaphors on purpose. I can't wear white sneakers because they always make me look dumb (it's weird, you should see it). One of my fingers now has an extra knuckle. I'm partially colorblind and have a mild case of synesthesia. For some reason I read magazines backwards. And I can't wait until they come out with a new handshake.

My Interests

Nature and technology

I'd like to meet:

People who don't give the finger to the camera. I promise you that you'll be notified by mail as soon as that becomes cool. Until then, I'd hold off.

Music:

Kerosine Concubine, Hefty And The Cinch Sacs, Brunette Albino, The Monkey Nuts, Reverend Archibald And The Fluffers, Doughnut's Revenge, The Slitlickers, Suicidal Freezepop, Poopdeck Gloryhole, Sector 7G, The Zurberts, and lots of other obscure, esoteric bands names that make me sound cool, and you feel like a loser.

Movies:

"What the hell's a jigowatt?"

Television:

GO TEAM VENTURE!

Books:

Reference books with big pictures

Heroes:

The Kenzos

My Blog

I Know ’The Secret’!

You can make millions of dollars if you only knew the secret. It can help you for the rest of your life and make you and your family wealthy and successful beyond your imagination. You can own your dr...
Posted by keith on Sat, 04 Aug 2007 10:46:00 PST

Stupid Signs

I'm eventually going to write a book about stupid signs across America....of which there is no shortage.Both churches and banks share a baffling tradition of naming their institutions with the number ...
Posted by keith on Mon, 23 Jul 2007 08:24:00 PST

Get out of work anytime

This is my bulletproof, 100% reliable, undeniable and otherwise irrefuteable tip of the century on getting out of a days work. It works from home in the morning, OR the night before. It even works whe...
Posted by keith on Sun, 15 Apr 2007 08:50:00 PST

Bum Blog

I got no love love for bums, beggars, hustlers or any dirty-ass street person who comes up to me asking for money. Don't get me wrong, I know that most homeless people are in desperate need of help. A...
Posted by keith on Sat, 07 Apr 2007 09:22:00 PST

Firewood and Dumbasses

If one more person asks me if I'm going camping after seeing me chopping or hauling firewood, I'm going to lose it-with hatchet in hand. Why, on this great big earth, would I carry a hundred pounds of...
Posted by keith on Sun, 25 Feb 2007 10:29:00 PST

WTF!?

What the fuck is going on with this Anna Nicole Smith is dead hysteria? Why do so many people care that some B-list bimbo ODed in a hotel (is that a new trick for bimbos?). She's known for slurring al...
Posted by keith on Sun, 11 Feb 2007 08:58:00 PST