Kenny

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Steven Wright:

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Sponges grow in the ocean. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Is "tired old cliche" one? .

The fastest check-out at the grocery store reads “12 items or Less”, so I changed my name to “Less”.

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,” Where’s the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

99 percent of politicians give the rest a bad name.

How can there be self-help 'groups'?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

One time I went to a museum where all the work on display had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

What happens if you put a slinky on an escalator?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

When an evil masochist dies does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

The sky already fell. Now what?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I have an inferiority complex. But it's not a very good one

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.

Why don't they just make mouse flavored cat food?

I'm a peripheral visionary. I see far into the future.... Just way off to one side.

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year".