..tr
Woman/Twenty Three/SLC/Involved
Failure to respond.
..but I did.
..but did you listen..?
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Jessica Lunsford | Rainn
Updated: 6.6.7
You know I can admit when times got hard, I got selfish. I've pushed a lot of my friends away and though I feel really bad about it, they pushed back. So I can't sit here alone and blame myself forever for everything! I said before... that i'm not going to cry and beg that things get worked out... and that relationships of any kind take two, but at this point, all I can say is, I have felt bad for a really long time. Times are hard again and what I wouldn't do to have those people I pushed away back. Lots of things have happened that have left me questioning, when is enough, enough? When is time going to give? When will I be pushed over the edge by my inability to withstand my own mental torture? Death is all around me , directly effecting me everywhere.. i'm doing what I can so it cannot find me, but it's changing me and changing my beliefs ..and my way to deal is just so wrong.
I haven't given up when I've been pushed so hard, so why is life giving up on me? Since September I have had to say goodbye to so many.. How the hell am I not insane yet? Anytime I think things are settling down and getting better some really messed up shit has happened..Just recently, a few weeks ago I had to put my sweet cat Greg to rest. It was uttery gut wrenching sitting there and kissing his beautiful face.. when the dr told me he was gone it felt like someone killed my child. He was my bestfriend, he showed me all the love he had every moment of everyday. There was nothing that I could do and I question everyday if I did the right thing. A few days later he came home. ..it's helped a lot to know that technically he is still in the room. When I think of how much I miss him I just.. feel like i'm pushed to my limits. God damnit so many times lately I've just wanted to say FUCK IT and run away from everything and everyone! And thats not like me, I face every situation as it comes and I impress myself with my results, EVERYTIME! But why am I continueously being tested?
..as the days go by I get use to not seeing my babyboy around.. I thought I only had one more major life change at the end of June, one more fucking broken hearted sob story and then I was DONE! My life would start over and I could get a fucking grip! .. But who am I kidding right? Things can't be normal for me anymore.. so I just wondered what could possibly happen now and oh my god death strikes again.. and not only this time did I lose someone I cared so so much for, like Josh, Jordan and Greg, ..I lost someone who I knew I could count on.. not for anything. ..but for everything, a smile, a laugh, a warm sensation in my heart and a spark in my brain.. I lost someone I looked forward to sharing thoughts, and opinions with..but most especially to make me feel better about whatever, just having his attention and knowing I was on his mind was great.. he'd let me talk to him about everything, it was so clear that he could tell me things and that he trusted me. It was even more clear that he was interested in everything I had to say.. he valued my opinion and it showed in the way he treated me.. Benji had taken something from inside me.. it took some getting use to but I certainly don't want it back.. and I was counting the days for when we could've spent time together. ..it feels like the pain from all we've lost this past 8 months will never go away.
When I said life taught me so much I didn't realize I had to learn, I wasn't kidding, ..but I really had no idea.. The more I am faced with death the stronger I feel about it, I use to believe in so much but i've pretty much faced the fact that there is nothing when you die. And I can't believe in anything without some sort of proof... and it makes me so sad and terrified. ..and I miss my boys. Josh and Jordan died while they carried a piece of my heart and they'll own it for an eternity. Benji carried a piece of my heart he didn't know he held.. I believe I will in the end, suffer more over the loss of Benji. In my eyes he could do no wrong, where as Josh and Jordan sure knew how really piss me off! :) My bones will ache for Greg everyday until his ashes are buried with my dead decaying bones.
..have you ever dreamed about someone who is dead? it's intense and really hard. Especially when you realize in your dream that they're dead..? i was fucked up from that. I have yet to dream of Josh, or Benji or Tyson but I didnt get to see Tyson very much.. Jordan haunts my dreams like crazy..It's been a little while though.. One day while at work, I was frying some chicken, heh and I felt this huge wave of energy go through me and it washed over my mind and all I could think was Josh! I started to bawl like a baby and I cherish that moment. Thats the day I felt my friend pass through me. .. On the 4th of June I was leaving my cousins just feeling so sad. I got in my car and instantly I got this rush, it almost felt like that feeling when your system is taken and everything in your car is gone... ..I didnt feel alone. I only assumed if there were such a thing as ghosts that Benji was with me. It was so strong.. so incredible and gone when I got out of my car.. Have my friends been contacting me? ..or have I just been doing too many durgs?
Usually I end my page with something positive.. I'm having a hard time with that so I'll put back up what was here before..
I'm truely greatful though.. for all the people i've had a chance to meet and for all the experiences i've had. Especially with those who I've lost, .. they've molded me into who I am now. I'm far from perfect but i'm content with who I am. My surroundings could be a hell of a lot better but I am working on it. We all have to fight for what we want, and what we believe in. You and I are no exception from the rest of the world. I have my friends and I have my enemies. I have my lovers and I have those I loathe.. But one thing I have never had is someone I can be absolutely 100% honest with and tell them all my thoughts without fear. I will spend the rest of my life looking for this person. I thought I found him this time.. When I lost Benji I lost someone who I t hought could be this person in my life for the rest of my life. He was amazing.
To those of you who have made an impact on my life, good or bad; I thank you. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be who I am today.. and i'm lucky I am who I am, i'm lucky I let go when I did, and I am greatful I walked away when I did, even though I haven't let go.
I do not want anyone to think for one minute that
all of your compliments and acknowledgements
are going unappreciated. I do not take your kind words
with a grain of salt. ..and I do not get tired of hearing them. Sometimes I don't get back to you, and i'm sorry. If it didn't mean anything to me that people thousands and thousands of miles away care about what I have to say, and if I didn't want to have all the friends in the world, I would've never joined Myspace. So, people.. really.. don't complain to me about the amount of friends I have. Seriously if you're so bothered by a friend count of someone you don't know, shoot yourself. Thank you.
R.I.P. Greg; My Kitty,
Tyson, Josh Kresser and Jordan Petrie. And now, My Sweet Benji
...we will never forget...
(i've lost too fucking many)
::Sunday, April 15th 2007:: 18:53
I recently had 2 tests done at the hospital and they're running out of ideas about whats wrong with me. This is getting old. I fucking hurt, something has to be wrong how are they not finding it?
Also I got in a car accident yesterday! Fucking sucked. He hit my left rear quad and fucked up my axil. I knew he was going to hit me with in a split second.. I lost control, did a 180 and skid for about 100feet! I'll get a rental tomorrow! ..my luck this year is shit!
"You'll make us want to die
I'd cut your name in my heart
We'll destroy this world for you
I know you want me to feel your pain."
::Saturday, April 7th 2007:: 21:49
nothing ever goes my way
::Monday, April 2nd 2007:: 21:35
Today is really one of the best days ive had in awhile. Vincent and I are doing good again, work is great! ..I couldnt be happier to be back at work. Found out a favorite one of my customers died while i was out of work and I feel so bad. Wish I could've gone to her funeral. She was a great woman, so full of life. Always teased me about how her husband would ask for me for xmas and stuff, haha. Poor couple. they were great people. RIP
::Saturday, March 31st 2007:: 19:35
I was driving to work this morning and i saw 3 dead animals. It was really awful. I couldn't believe it. First there was a duck by my apartment. Then there was a fucking turkey! ..yes! a fucking turkey. big and pretty and dead. Its common here to have mini farms in neighborhoods but ive never seen a big bird dead in the middle of the road. Then right up the road there was a pretty white and orange longhaired kitty. Makes me wonder how long these pretty birds and that cat sat there and suffered :( so sad.
::Friday, March 30th 2007:: 12:33
I realized I haven't been at AMW.com lately and the story I decide to read about is really bad. Please please check out this story... maybe one of you knows where he is..
David Allen Andrews
This is a perfect example of how fucked up the government is for protecting the rights of the guilty, while the innocence of young minds and bodies are stolen!
::Thursday, March 28th 2007:: 23:30
I decided I have too many thoughts in and out of my head all day and I need a place to put them. I get so many messages about what I talk about on here, so why not encourage more. Thanks to my friend Benji for the idea :)
He and I have been talking a lot and he is awesome. We've been talking about Veganism, and being a Vegetarian and I simply cannot let go of the fact that 'feeling bad' for the animals is not a good reason to become a vegetarian. I mean fine, if it makes you feel better but you not eating an animal isn't going to save an animal. Like I said, just because you don't buy those eggs doesn't prevent me from coming up behind you and buying them. If all the world quit eating animals we would die of starvation. And so would the animals, even if we quit breeding them..and they'd still over populate. Unless we castrated them but, thats inhumaine.. the torture the animals go through does make me sad. They deserve better, but at least they're eventually put out of their misery.
..thoughts? ..am i a dick? ..am I offending people? ..I wish Benji and everyone luck though. Its not easy stuff. I tried to be vegan for 2 months years ago and it wasnt happening. and yes the imitation chick patties rock!
"I need you to feel this. I need this to make me whole.
Release in this sodomy.
For I am your witness that blood and flesh can be trusted
I am your witness that blood and flesh can be trusted
And only this one holy medium brings me piece of mind."