Topher

69 THINGS YOU DIDN'T (AND PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO) KNOW ABOUT THE INCREDIBLE TOPHER CARTER: 1. Prefers gummy worms over bears...but Sour Patch Kids makes him cream. 2. Was picked NEXT to last in gym...the fierce chub of Topher always beat out Billy Puffybush's gimp-factor. 3. Has once watched copper wire burn for 12 hours under the influence of L.S.D. 4. Shakes babies for sport. 5. Enjoys the occasional 'pedi-party'. Not only for hygiene/vanity...but because my bestest girl pal April makes chinky-faces. 6. Has not wet the bed since age 22. 7. Knows a vast array of 'scrotum-tricks', and forces people to observe them whenever he's under the influence of alcohol. 8. Would like to one day own a midget...and assures all the nay-sayers that what happened to his goldfish, Frankie Forcefield, will not happen to said pet midget. (Who will be named Knee-high McFly). 9. Lost his conscience to best guy pal, Jon Brown. 10.Is allergic to nuts and finish. (DAMNED irony!). 11.Has a half-a-millionaire brother. 12.Is a member of an elite vacation-taking posse named 'The Tickety-Booers'. 13.Watched the Spongebob Squarepants movie over five times in the theatre...but only 3 times under the influence of some substance. 14.Needs a job. 15.Has an ass that tastes like funnel cake. 16.Wishes he was 'heart-warming' and 'endearing' like 'you-know-who'. 17.Is a triple threat, bitches. 18.Is visiting Austria next year. 19.Uses 'monkey-poop', 'booger-nose', and 'shitty-pants' as terms of endearment. 20.Had his nose chewed on by a surly Lhasa Apso at age 9...and now every time his nose gets sunburned, it crinkles up like a Ruffles potato chip. 21.Has only once made donkey love...but he had to pay for his jello shots somehow during his visit to Tijuana. 22.Often wonders if it does indeed take 'Diff'rent Strokes' to move the world. 23.Knows voodoo...and the ways of a ninja. 24.Worked for the Fossil Watch Company...and was fired. But isn't bitter. Not a g'din' f'ing bit. Bastards. 25.Has hunched a yard flamingo. Not for fun or profit. 26.Is weird about farting in public. 27.Has telekinesis. 28.Signed a petition to release 'You Can't Do That on Television' on DVD. 29.Is the most co-dependent independent person in the karmos. 30.Likes to use the word 'pneumonultramicroscopicsilicovalcanoconiosis'. 31.Is not sure how to spell 'pneumonultramicroscopicsilicovalcanoconiosis'. 32.Thinks NYC is the place to be. 33.He LOVES his Shawty! (YOU KNOW who you are!). 34.Along with his partner-in-crime...will one day be a hell of a mock-u- mentarian. 35.Has applied to the show 'Big Brother' not once...but twice. 36.Was once asked to be the sperm donor for a child-wanting lesbian couple. 37.Once thought lesbian couple was far too disgusting to procreate and raise a child. 38.Was once mistaken for Jack Osbourne. 39.Once purchased 'pussy' flavored incense at an afro-centric flea market stand. 40.Once discovered that 'pussy' flavored incense is no different than 'sandlewood' flavor. 41.Enjoys unravalling tape out of Video Casettes. Just for the hell of it. What? Suck it! 42.Once thought he knocked a chick up...but later found out she was lying. Length of 'baby' lie? 12 months. I'm a dumbass. 43.Have tongue kissed a dog. Her name was Fancy. Didn't make it to second base. 44.Is infatuated with the idea of being amidst an all-hobbit orgy. Thinks hobbit feet are hot. 45.LOVES schadenfreude. 46.Successfully ate AND passed a paper clip. 47.Has failed successfully over 25 attempts to quit smoking. 48.Once thought about starting a porn website. 49.Cuts himself with his youth center i.d. card. But not to kill the pain. Just because it seems so rebellious. 50.Is a mutt. 51.Has a sister-in-law whose house has a permanent pickle smell. 52.Wants his funeral to be immediately followed by a roller disco. 53.Owns over 300 original cast albums on C.D. Showtunes, suckah! 54.Once owned every 'masters of the universe' action figure, vehicle and castle. Biggest regret? In a moment of mild retardation, sold every item in a yard sale at age 12...for $150.00. Seemed like a lot of gristle at the time. 55.Has never run with scissors...but has been chained to a radiator in the basement of a reefer den. 56.Is scared of spideys. 57.Prays to One-Eyed-Willy daily that they'll get moving on the f'ing 'Goonies' sequel. 58.Frequents hospital waiting rooms for no good reason except for the free coffee. 59.Has an affinity for stirrup pants. 60.Has attended a snake-handling church. But only once. For research. 61.Wishes the institution of 'open-sea' pirates still existed. Arrrg...I wanna hit the open seas thar, matey. 62.Contrary to what many friends say...can actually get get get you drunk... get you love drunk off his humpz. 63.Is working on a production of 'Avenue Q' using all the puppets from the Owens Crossroads Methodist Church. 64.Is far too selfish to get married. 65.Actually knows somebody who was in a gay porn. 66.Is a closet 'reality t.v.' lover. 67.Made it into final consideration (with his brother, sister-in-law and s-i-l's sister) to appear on PBS's frontier house. 68.Had his picture AND appeared in a film with sweet-ass Norman Reedus (that's right, folks...star of 'Boondock Saints'). 69.Spent entirely too much time putting together 69 things to throw up on here.69 THINGS YOU DIDN'T (AND PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO) KNOW ABOUT THE INCREDIBLE TOPHER CARTER: 1. Prefers gummy worms over bears...but Sour Patch Kids makes him cream. 2. Was picked NEXT to last in gym...the fierce chub of Topher always beat out Billy Puffybush's gimp-factor. 3. Has once watched copper wire burn for 12 hours under the influence of L.S.D. 4. Shakes babies for sport. 5. Enjoys the occasional 'pedi-party'. Not only for hygiene/vanity...but because my bestest girl pal April makes chinky-faces. 6. Has not wet the bed since age 22. 7. Knows a vast array of 'scrotum-tricks', and forces people to observe them whenever he's under the influence of alcohol. 8. Would like to one day own a midget...and assures all the nay-sayers that what happened to his goldfish, Frankie Forcefield, will not happen to said pet midget. (Who will be named Knee-high McFly). 9. Lost his conscience to best guy pal, Jon Brown. 10.Is allergic to nuts and finish. (DAMNED irony!). 11.Has a half-a-millionaire brother. 12.Is a member of an elite vacation-taking posse named 'The Tickety-Booers'. 13.Watched the Spongebob Squarepants movie over five times in the theatre...but only 3 times under the influence of some substance. 14.Needs a job. 15.Has an ass that tastes like funnel cake. 16.Wishes he was 'heart-warming' and 'endearing' like 'you-know-who'. 17.Is a triple threat, bitches. 18.Is visiting Austria next year. 19.Uses 'monkey-poop', 'booger-nose', and 'shitty-pants' as terms of endearment. 20.Had his nose chewed on by a surly Lhasa Apso at age 9...and now every time his nose gets sunburned, it crinkles up like a Ruffles potato chip. 21.Has only once made donkey love...but he had to pay for his jello shots somehow during his visit to Tijuana. 22.Often wonders if it does indeed take 'Diff'rent Strokes' to move the world. 23.Knows voodoo...and the ways of a ninja. 24.Worked for the Fossil Watch Company...and was fired. But isn't bitter. Not a g'din' f'ing bit. Bastards. 25.Has hunched a yard flamingo. Not for fun or profit. 26.Is weird about farting in public. 27.Has telekinesis. 28.Signed a petition to release 'You Can't Do That on Television' on DVD. 29.Is the most co-dependent independent person in the karmos. 30.Likes to use the word 'pneumonultramicroscopicsilicovalcanoconiosis'. 31.Is not sure how to spell 'pneumonultramicroscopicsilicovalcanoconiosis'. 32.Thinks NYC is the place to be. 33.He LOVES his Shawty! (YOU KNOW who you are!). 34.Along with his partner-in-crime...will one day be a hell of a mock-u- mentarian. 35.Has applied to the show 'Big Brother' not once...but twice. 36.Was once asked to be the sperm donor for a child-wanting lesbian couple. 37.Once thought lesbian couple was far too disgusting to procreate and raise a child. 38.Was once mistaken for Jack Osbourne. 39.Once purchased 'pussy' flavored incense at an afro-centric flea market stand. 40.Once discovered that 'pussy' flavored incense is no different than 'sandlewood' flavor. 41.Enjoys unravalling tape out of Video Casettes. Just for the hell of it. What? Suck it! 42.Once thought he knocked a chick up...but later found out she was lying. Length of 'baby' lie? 12 months. I'm a dumbass. 43.Have tongue kissed a dog. Her name was Fancy. Didn't make it to second base. 44.Is infatuated with the idea of being amidst an all-hobbit orgy. Thinks hobbit feet are hot. 45.LOVES schadenfreude. 46.Successfully ate AND passed a paper clip. 47.Has failed successfully over 25 attempts to quit smoking. 48.Once thought about starting a porn website. 49.Cuts himself with his youth center i.d. card. But not to kill the pain. Just because it seems so rebellious. 50.Is a mutt. 51.Has a sister-in-law whose house has a permanent pickle smell. 52.Wants his funeral to be immediately followed by a roller disco. 53.Owns over 300 original cast albums on C.D. Showtunes, suckah! 54.Once owned every 'masters of the universe' action figure, vehicle and castle. Biggest regret? In a moment of mild retardation, sold every item in a yard sale at age 12...for $150.00. Seemed like a lot of gristle at the time. 55.Has never run with scissors...but has been chained to a radiator in the basement of a reefer den. 56.Is scared of spideys. 57.Prays to One-Eyed-Willy daily that they'll get moving on the f'ing 'Goonies' sequel. 58.Frequents hospital waiting rooms for no good reason except for the free coffee. 59.Has an affinity for stirrup pants. 60.Has attended a snake-handling church. But only once. For research. 61.Wishes the institution of 'open-sea' pirates still existed. Arrrg...I wanna hit the open seas thar, matey. 62.Contrary to what many friends say...can actually get get get you drunk... get you love drunk off his humpz. 63.Is working on a production of 'Avenue Q' using all the puppets from the Owens Crossroads Methodist Church. 64.Is far too selfish to get married. 65.Actually knows somebody who was in a gay porn. 66.Is a closet 'reality t.v.' lover. 67.Made it into final consideration (with his brother, sister-in-law and s-i-l's sister) to appear on PBS's frontier house. 68.Had his picture AND appeared in a film with sweet-ass Norman Reedus (that's right, folks...star of 'Boondock Saints'). 69.Spent entirely too much time putting together 69 things to throw up on here.