From now on, Earth Day really must be a year-round thing. And...and in honor of this Earth Day, starting Monday, supermarket clerks must stop putting the big bottle of detergent with the handle on it, in a plastic bag. I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, but you see that handle you just lifted the detergent with? I could use that same handle to carry the detergent to my car.
And while we're at it, stop putting my liquor in a smaller paper sack before you put it in the big paper sack with my other stuff. What, are you afraid my groceries will think less of me if they see I've been drinking? Trust me, the broccoli doesn't care, and the condoms, they already know.
So, here's a quote from Albert Einstein. He said, if the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe, then man would only have four years of life left. No more bees, no more pollination. No more plants. No more animals. No more man. Well, guess what? The bees are disappearing in massive numbers all around the world. And if you think I'm being alarmist, and that, "Oh, they'll figure out some way to pollinate the plants." No, they've tried.
For a lot of what we eat, only bees work. And they're not working. They're gone. It's called "colony collapse disorder," when the hive's inhabitants suddenly disappear and all that's left are a few queens and some immature workers. Like when a party winds down at Elton John's house. Queens imagery.
But, I think we are the ones suffering from colony collapse disorder. Because, although nobody really knows for sure what's killing the bees, it's not Al Qaeda, and it's not God doing some of his Old Testament shtick. And it's not Winnie the Pooh. It's us. It could be from pesticides or genetically-modified food or global warming, or the high fructose corn syrup we started to feed them.
Recently, it was discovered that bees won't fly near cell phones. The electromagnetic signals they emit might screw up the bees' navigation system, knocking them out of the sky. So, thanks, big mouth guy in line at Starbucks. You just killed us.
It's nature's way of saying, "Can you hear me now?"
Last week, I asked, if it solved global warming, would you give up the TV remote and go back to carting your fat a$$ over to the television set every time you wanted to change the channel. If it comes down to the cell phone versus the bee, will we choose to literally blather ourselves to death? Will we continue to tell ourselves that we don't have to solve environmental problems, we can just adapt? Build sea walls instead of stopping the ice caps from melting. Don't save the creatures of the earth in the oceans; just learn to eat the slime and the jellyfish that nothing can kill; like Chinese restaurants are already doing.
You know what? Maybe you don't need to talk on your cell phone all the time. Maybe you don't need a bag when you buy a keychain. Americans throw out 100 billion plastic bags a year, and they all take 1,000 years to decompose. Your children's children's children will never know you, but they'll know you once bought batteries at the 99-cents Store because the bag will still be caught in a tree. Except there won't be any trees.
Sunday is Earth Day. Please educate someone about the birds and the bees. Because, without bees, humans become the canary in the coal mine. And we make bad canaries, because we're already such sheep...Bill Maher
Coldplay Coldplay Coldplay!!! DMB, Jack Johnson, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Aerosmith, Fuel, Damien Rice, James Blunt, Kenny Chesney, Boxcar Racer, Rise Against, 30 Seconds to Mars, The Shins, Dashboard Confessional, Our Lady Peace, Matchbox 20, The Fray, Hinder, Pearl Jam, Taking Back Sunday, Radiohead, Mozella, Justin Timberlake, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Nervous Turkey, Blink 182, Modest Mouse, Linkin Park, Trapt, Kanye West, Saosin, Josh Groban, Daughtry, Gorillaz, Tim McGraw, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Imogen Heap, Rascal Flatts, Three Doors Down, U2, Journey, Goo Goo Dolls, The Cure, Prince, O.A.R., Tina Turner, Prince, Marvin Gaye.......
Zoolander, Magnolia, Garden State, Dodgeball, Anchorman, Lost in Translation, Crash, Wedding Crashers, The Island, The 40 year old virgin, Run Lola Run, Kingdom of Heaven, I heart Huckabees, Family Man, Girl, Lord of the Rings, National Treasure, Empire Records, Love Actually, Bridget Jones Diary, Someone Like You, Last Samurai, Serendipity, Vanilla Sky, Old School, 61*, SLC Punk, The Life of David Gale, Memento, Blow, Spaceballs, Moulin Rouge, V for Vendetta, Casino Royale, 300, Knocked Up...
SAVE THE BLACK DONNELLYS!!!!! CSI Miami and Vegas, Lost, The West Wing, ER, General Hospital, Scrubs, Law and Order SVU, Best Week Ever, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Grey's Anatomy, Real Time with Bill Maher, Rome, Dirty Jobs, Entourage, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Family Guy, The Sopranos, Cathouse, and sometimes things that come on C-Span
The UNTIED States of America, State of Denial, The Charm School, Working-Class War, The Trials of Socrates, The Republic, Thucydides, Da Vinci Code, The Count of Monte Cristo
Totally cliche, my parents. Two of the strongest most amazing people I have ever met. If you know them, you understand.
CLICK HERE TO FUND FREE MAMMOGRAMS