I'm five-time Emmy award-winning lead anchor Ron Burgundy. I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal. People know me. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
I work at KVWN - Channel 4 News at 6:00 in San Diego, CA with Champ Kind (Sports), Brick Tamland (Weather) and our reporter in the field, Brian Fantana. I always start each night's broadcast with “Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy and here's what happening in your world tonight.†And I always close the broadcast with “You stay classy, San Diego.†People love that!
I am very good looking and I am in very good shape. On Tuesday's I sculpt my arms and back. I really enjoy sculpting my guns. I have very little time to get to the gym, so I have to sculpt my guns at the office. Sometimes, while sculpting my guns, I do over 1,000 reps! When I do that it's the deep burn! Oh, it's so deep! Sometimes, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I do so many. But you have to work your ubulus muscle which connects to the upper dorcinus… Also, Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. It might be a soft j. I'm not sure, but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.
I have a dog, Baxter. Baxter is so wise. He’s like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair. Once, a bad man on a motorcycle punted Baxter off a bridge. Thankfully, Baxter found his way home and saved Champ, Brick, Brian and I after we jumped into a grizzly bear pit at the San Diego Zoo (a decision I immediately regretted) trying to save Veronica, who was pushed into the pit by the Public TV News anchor. He was just mad because Champ, Brian, Brick and I survived a brawl against Him and the Public TV News Team, Wes Mantooth and the Evening News Team (who’s always finishing second in the ratings), Frank Vitchard and The Channel 2 News Team (those dirtbags have been in third place for five years) and the Spanish Speaking News Team. Those other news teams had no idea what they were in for! If they want to throw down in fisticuffs, fine! I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary ready for ya! I was proud of the fellas, that day. They all kept their heads on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight!
I love San Diego. Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diago, which of course, in German, means "a whale's vagina". I'm sorry… I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago. Some believe it means Saint Diego, but that's not what it means. If you believe that, I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree.
I also love poetry, and a glass of scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. It goes down, down into my belly... I'll often have three fingers of Glenlibbet, with a little bit of pepper... and some cheese.
I believe there’s only one thing a man can do when he's suffering from a spiritual and existensial funk (besides going to the zoo and flipping off the monkeys)- buy new suits.
Some advice: don’t by pants at the Pants Store. The pleats cause enormous erections. It's actually an optical illusion. It's the pattern on the pants. It's not flattering in the crotchal region.
I'm a MAN, I am an ANCHORMAN! I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. Women have small brains; brains a third the size of us. It's science.
Some more advice: when it’s damn hot out, don’t drink milk. It’s a bad choice…
I love poetry, and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here. I am a man... a man who invented the wheel and built the eiffle tower out of metal and brawn... thats what kind of man i am...with a brain 3x the size of women... its science......
I also enjoy inventing my own exclamations such as:
Great Oden's raven! Son of a bee-sting! Knights of Columbus! By the beard of Zeus! Sweet Eil Whitny's nose! By the hammer of Thor! Castles of Cleopatra! Sweet Lincoln's mullet! Uncle Jonathan's corn-cob pipe! Sweet grandmothers spatula!.....and getting comments
“There was a time, a time before cable. When the local anchorman reigned supreme. When people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man then the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the ballsâ€
