Dr. Veckman

I am an exceptional figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more effecient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees,I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30 minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in chess, a veteran of love, and an outlaw in Peru.Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Orioles, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number 9 and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured North Carolina with a centrifugal-force demonstration team. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish the dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed severl covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and all my bills are paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a wisk and a toaster oven. I breed prize winning sloths. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.But I still don't know how to drive a stick shift.