Bryan

Mostly human. Was likely a polar bear in a previous life. Could subsist entirely on lobster and Summer Peach Snapple if it came down to it. Fiercely dislike religious fundamentalists. Love to bang the drums, and don't care that I got no chops. Chops are for spoogemeisters. Would NEVER hurt a frog. Insanely comprehensive memory. Such a typical Cancerian that I'm tempted to believe in astrology. Married to beautiful, artistic, thoughtful woman I don't deserve. Have degree in political science; hate politics and politicians. Have master's degree in criminal justice; hate cops. Want UFOs to land NOW. Believe laughter is highest possible human pursuit. Idolize my grandfather, with whom I disagree on most things, except steak, bourbon, practical jokes, and storytelling. Wish I'd been a Beatle. Left-handed. Smoke a pack a day and hate it. Every five years, I lose a hundred pounds and then gain it back at a rate of 20lbs per year; repeat cycle. Wish I'd been a Beatle. Can be bribed effectively with country-style ribs. Want to play the George C. Scott role in a future remake of "Dr. Strangelove." Love pears. Dislike green vegetables, which I consider a global practical joke being played by everyone else in the world on me-- they just PRETEND to like that shit so I'll feel like a weirdo. Will haunt anyone who erects a roadside memorial to me should I die in an auto accident-- extra haunts if my name should appear on a rear-window decal. Have no tattoos. Wear size 14 shoes, and the old adage is true. Unable to control laughter in situations in which laughter is highly inappropriate. Want to disembowel Mike Goens, editor of the Times-Daily. Just recently discovered that I'd been totally ignoring the brilliance of British popsters XTC, whose catalog I'm now voraciously devouring. Adore puppies. Identify strongly with seals. Read incessantly. Fantasize about the Deal twins. Wear almost exclusively blue garments. Addicted to Medal of Honor Allied Assault.