Devil Seed

I am once again feeling caught in the Maelstrom. My life is falling in on me quickly and I am not sure I have the where-with-all to handle it myself. Well, considering the help I've enlisted lately I am sure I'm not. I am looking forward to my party July 5th, but every day there is an underlying feeling of doom that seems to bind my hands. It chokes my will to take the bull by the horns. I still surround myself with activities and busy behavior but mostly I seem to languish from one event to another. I am not in the depths; but I am teetering on the precipice...I got a few responses from this recent profile update and I should assure you that I have been in this circumstance for a little over a year now. Opting not to go bankrupt and taking a donation from my sister has me fighting a three year battle (at least). It would suck if I still had to go bankrupt after all this but hey, at least I will have tried to do it the RIGHT WAY. I spent the money, I had the good times, I opted to call off sick when I didn't need to, I opted to turn down overtime for bullshit reasons and I would put pleasure before business by not paying bills on time when I was able to. Instead I partied. I took college classes and flunked out of them ($30,000 at least wasted). I have had the pleasure of being kicked out of U of M's pre-Med program (I believe I mentioned that before). Pay now or pay later they say. Well, it's later and I'm paying now. Let's consider it my own little economic stimulus package to the economy versus being another chap who takes advantage of this countries bankruptcy laws. "Manning up" we'll call it. As my main man Nate said, "intestinal fortitude." Or is it plain old ignorant pride and financial naivety? We shall see. I'm healthy. Mildly intelligent. And employed. No more whining. So, no sympathy please. I have a new Motto..."I got an itchin, to quit the bitchin."