Queens Of The Pwn Age

WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO QUEENS OF THE PWN AGE ISSUE 26! This week in the spirit of the war oriented games we are reviewing and as one last celebration of Kenny getting one year older the QOTPA had a mass trip to fulfil one of Kenny's most frequent wet dreams: Shooting a bow just like Link!...
Or perhaps unlike Link, seeing as Link is quite good at it and we were close enough to the targets to have chucked rocks at them, possibly with more effect and definatly quikcer! But it still rocked! And so here we are back at QoTpA headquarters using our newly found skills at archery to get our reviews right on the mark and let you wonderful people know exactly what we think of what's going on in the gaming world! so without further ado, let introduce your favourite Queens! (Much better than that Elizabeth and Victoria nonsense)
KENNY
Trait: Incredibly sore loser
Accuracy: Varies from ridiculously lucky to dangerously inaccurate
Brusing on bow arm: None!
SEAN
Trait: Remarkably sore winner!
Accuracy: Would be better if they just let him put the sniper scope on the bow!
Bruising on Bow arm: Crippling :(
READY, AIM, FIRE!!!!
I’ve been delaying this for as long as possible. It’s not that I don’t like the game (cause I do, sort of) but there are genuinely many more games out there that I’d rather play and review. Also, I know that my popularity will skydive amongst some of the Xbox faithful when my opinions (correct as they may be) are aired to you lovely folk. So it is with an air of trepidation that I type out a review for everyone’s favourite Xbox exclusive – oh no wait it’s out on the PC and it’s much better for it 3rd person sausage-fest that is Epics Gears of War. So if you are a deranged fanboy (and believe me you know who I’m talking about) then stop reading this review and simply post your random hate-filled e-mails of ignorance to anyone but me (possibly your Mum instead, then she can see exactly the kind of language you use when your on XBL). However, if you fancy actually hearing out someone’s opinion on this game, then read on and be enlightened.
Gears of War is a 3rd person strategic shooter on the Xbox 360 and PC aimed at manly men and even manlier women. The player takes on the role of Marcus Fenix, a man to whom Irony is the best way to get creases out of clothes and regularly dines on a breakfast of egg yolks and steroids. He is part of COG, a military organisation whose sole purpose is to fight a vast alien army known as the Locust Horde. He does this alongside his team known as Delta Squad, a team made up of equally lumpen brick shithouses. And then the warning bells hit you; Muscle-bound, one-liner chewing dim-witted lead, pale and scaly alien threat, team of equally lethal expendable troops including token black and ethnic minority characters? Well fuck me sideways if this isn’t the next game in the Unreal saga. It doesn’t help that this game is based exclusively on the Unreal engine; the game looks so alike in appearance to Unreal that it might as well be titled Unreal Tournament: The One where we rope in the Xbox Fanboys. It’s like the devs at Epic HQ wanted to test the new engine so that Unreal III turned out as awesome as possible and then realised that because Halo had eventually decided just to imitate itself ad infinitum that the Xbox fanbase would happily latch onto the next macho icon to come round the corner.
So, you control Marcus in the third person, and the first thing you notice is how heavy he feels. Now this is good, as it gives the game a chunky, realistic effect, which works brilliantly with the gameplay. Your not meant to zip around like some demented Quake player, you’re meant to consider your moves tactically and move from cover to cover in order to best eliminate the enemy. This is the intended effect, but the Xbox controller seems a bit uneasy with the whole concept. The controls sometimes seem a bit unwieldy and overcomplicated when compared to most 3rd person shooters. I myself never noticed this until I got the PC version, and realised how easy the mouse/keyboard combo felt. And this is one of the games major flaws; in its insistence that it knows what control system is best. Throughout the PC version, the tutorials and book refer to the Xbox controller despite its retarded nature when compared to a humble mouse. It’s like Epic are trying to appease Xbox owners by going “Yeah, we know we said the game was exclusively Xbox and then we ported it to PC behind your backs, but don’t worry, we’re going to annoy the shit outta the PC players by constantly reminding them that this was originally an Xbox game!!! Lolz!” It’s just lazy programming to assume that PC users will use Xbox peripherals because the PCs slower, dumber brother the Xbox does.
Next thing you notice is the gun combat, which for all intents and purposes is well structured and fun if a bit repetitive. All the guns feel dangerous which Epic are experts at programming (any company that can invent the Flak-cannon knows how to construct gun porn) and when an enemy is taken down you’re filled with a warm feeling of satisfaction. Its not always the case though, as many enemies you can blast over and over and just won’t go down; instead the player has to incapacitateL then run up and finish them off close combat style. Now I don’t understand this but I do understand why Epic put it in. You see Marcus’ main weapon has a huge chainsaw bayonet (which has been referred to as Iconic by pre-pubescent males, but in real life is just a rip-off of most weapons from the entire Warhammer 40,000 series) and the guys at Epic obviously WANT you to use it. So instead of having it as a possible mode of attack (y’know, like what Bayonets actually are) they decided we would want to get up close and personal in every situation. Now this if fine, except in those situations where you’re surrounded and you cannot get in range of any of the foes because of his team-mates. This leads to infuriating meat grinder moments, where fallen enemies keep getting back up and you expend way too much ammo on way too few enemies.
The enemies you fight in the game are of course the dreaded Locust Horde, a mammoth army of mutated monsters out to kill humanity for some poorly explained (or not at all) reason and generally exist just to make your life miserable. Now while 80% of them are your bog-standard humanoid Necris wannabes, some of the larger monsters are genuinely fantastic looking. Huge insectoid monstrosities with fangs the length of cars, Huge ogre like bastards that can smash through walls (in one of the games more memorable sections, mainly because it breaks away from the hide/shoot man till he dies/hide structure of the rest of the game) and flying creepy beasties that can strip the flesh from your bones in seconds all add up to some very memorable moments in the game. However, some sections fail miserably, like the night time vehicle section where you and your squad race in a huge vehicle to escape the horde. Some poor camera angles and dodgy vehicle controls makes this section irritating instead of memorable and feels a bit taped on. Also, the whole final stretch on a speeding train and the final boss fight feel incredibly under-whelming when compared to the rest of the game. You can essentially hide your way through the whole section (except one section where you fight the big ogre bastard again, but then slips into its usual routine afterward) and feels a bit rubbish and unsatisfactory, especially when coupled with an ending that could kindly be described as teasing and unkindly as about as epic as Pathfinder (that film was an abortion).
In its favour, GOW features a very fun and very competent co-op mode, where yo and a friend can blast your way through the campaign together, sometime actually splitting up to fight different enemies and discover different paths. However this is does lead to another bout of random retardation from both the Xbox and PC versions. The Xbox features a local split-screen mode (which myself and QOTPA Techie Stu played through) which is immense fun and utterly enjoyable, but the internet-based coop requires use of the Live system. Now everyone knows my opinions on Xbox Live (why pay for something when both Nintendo and Sony offer similar, and equally good systems for free) but apparently Bill Gates doesn’t have enough money to wipe his overpriced arse on and decided that PC gamers want to pay to play online also. The answer is No. The Live system, on PC’s is retarded and just puts me right off online modes with GOW. The fact that I had to set up a live ID to simply play the fucking game is ridiculous. And what happens if the Live server goes down? I can’t even play the single player because the system cannot retrieve my ID or saves? Well fuck that!
I should mention the graphics, which are awesome if a little bland. The PC version benefits from a higher refresh rate and anti-Aliasing hardware, but the game is very much a brown/blue game. In their bid for realism, Epic decided that the game should be filtered through a Urine Lens (y’know, everything slightly yellowed) and features many wondrous brown and blue environments. Also, what the hell is the new generation of HD games obsession with unnatural light reflection and an overabundance of lens flare? I know current game engines just want to wank off in your face about how many effects they can chuck around, but sometimes it just gets overbearing. Reflections flare off everything regardless of material, and just give the game a sterile feel (if you want to see how to do lighting properly Epic, just take a look at the Source Engine).
As for the multiplayer components of GOW, what can I say you either like them or you don’t. It’s nowhere near as much fun as say Call of Duty 4 or Team Fortress 2 or even fellow 3rd person shooter Warhawk, and pales in comparison to the much better Unreal III which was released shortly afterward. Most people will say that I just don’t get it which I find confusing and incorrect. I love tactical multiplayer (just take a look at last weeks Metal Gear Online review), but GOW just feels a bit slow and stale when compared to other multiplayer games. A good feature of the PC multiplayer however is the marvellous level editor (based on the fantastic editor from Unreal III). This gives the PC version a certain Longevity that the console version entirely lacks, and means that it should be the preffered version despite its cousins greater advertising and brand-backing.
Now I know that Xbox gamers are desperate for an Idol or mascot of some description since Mastercheif decided to jobbie all over his fanbase and defect to the PC, but they have to learn that Microsoft don’t care. If a game makes serious dosh on the Xbox (and GOW did, grossing nearly three million units in 3 weeks) then the Microsoft Money Machine will always port it to the PC. What really stings for Xbox users is that the PC version is much better than the Xbox version, featuring more multiplayer options, better graphics and sound and an entirely new level in the campaign (which btw is the best one). But still, they grip onto GOW like it’s the beard of our lord himself (Gordon Freeman of course), and the hype for GOW2 is huge (despite the new gameplay trailer revealing that it looks EXACTLY like the first game) although the game is simply alright (it’s hardly Bioshock) as opposed to OMGMUSTPLAYNOWZ!
Now I have been very hard on Gears of War and I really need to be. Everywhere you go on the web these days seems to suggest that this is the best thing since a certain Italian plumber donned his red cap or a certain scientist first rose his crowbar in anger. It’s like the Xbox user base are looking for a replacement for Halo and are willing to throw all faith into the GOW franchise. It’s good but It’s not great. If you are looking for a fun, action-packed game and you don’t mind it being fairly samey throughout then buy the PC version. Failing that then go for the Xbox version. But don’t proclaim it as the greatest game of all time in your bid to discover a new idol since the last one buggered off to whore itself out. 7/10 for the Xbox version and 8/10 for the PC (it benefits from better graphics, simpler controls and a brilliant Level Editor). This game is good, but not the second coming it has been made out to be...
Xbox360 rating
PC Version