I'd like to meet:
Daily Blurb
April 27, 2007 - After midnight and it is cold. I've got my PDA plugged into my car leading to the backseat. Wow, another reason why I don't like leather interior. When temps drop, it's extra cold!
The good thing, I have sleep clothes and a few changes in my car... It always comes in handy. I normally have a blanket in my car but my nice one was stolen when my car was stolen and I never replaced it. My car is old so the cold air is getting in too.
I half dozed off just a little while ago and now I'm fully awake. I have a really bad sore throat and my nose is all stuffed up... Not good.
I may be allowed to go home now but the door is locked and I'd have to wake everyone up to get in. Don't want to do that so I'll just wait around... Just wish I was able to run any form of a messenger on this PDA. Bleh, I want to talk to someone... Anyone! *sigh* Whatever.
April 26, 2007 - Um, Thursday evening and it's already a great start to the weekend...
I logged on from my PDA because I've been locked out of my apartment. Just had a huge heated fight with a family member. I'm in my car and it's a tad hot... I don't want to keep it on because that's not good for it. I've got enough gas to maybe get me a few cities over and no cash on me. Nowhere to go without getting stuck either...
Maybe this years birthday bad luck started early and I'll be spared on the actual day... Or not. So here's the run-down:
Huge fight with a family member - Check!
Hurt/Crying - Check!
Losing something/someone - Check!
Locked out and staying in my car at the moment - Bonus check!
Lack of money/gas - Bonus check!
Physical pain - Double bonus check!
Yep, awesome weekend/birthday. Gah, I need to pee so bad... I'm going to walk to the super market.
April 26, 2007 - You know what would be great? A day at a theme park with really fast and hard dropping rides that make you scream. Heck, I'll even scream on the Merry-go-round if that's all I can get to. It's something I would do just for laughs. I'm sure those of you that have hung out with me and have been embarrassed by me know what I'm talking about...
Great America would be fun. I don't know if I can swing free passes this year through my friend but I'll see. Otherwise, Santa Cruz is still some place I want to go. And yeah, I can drive now. I still need money for gas though.
I hate being so broke. But I don't want to have to work either... Bleh, new jobs mean working with people I don't know and having to start from the bottom. Oh well, I always work my way past my peers anyway. Did you know I hate management too? I do. Someone needs to hire me as a personal assistant or a babysitter. Um, or maybe a someone that man's a free computer with internet connection. Yeah...
April 26, 2007 - Arrrrggggghhh! My head and back are friggin' killing me!
April 26, 2007 - My internet was going to get cut off but it didn't... Now my computer is going. Most times I can't even boot the darned thing up. But at least I have my PDA I suppose. But that's having booting problems as well. My brother doesn't have the time to build me another one but we have the parts for one so that's my next project. I like tinkering with electronics anyways. You'd be surprised at what I've been able to figure out on my own...
I try to back up the stuff on my computer at least once a month because I end up filling the memory.
Well, I had deleted most of the Scott stuff from my computer but guess what I came across today on the external drive... Yeah. Multiple copies of everything he had sent me from songs to pictures.
It's been over a month... Thought that it wouldn't get to me anymore so I pulled up all the files to look at. There were so many pictures and more so of banners and other graphics I was working on for him. I'm talking close to the thousand range. A ton were the same ones just with tweaks to each but still... Every single one of them even my beginning ones equates to months on end of hard work, headaches and sleepless nights. That got to me.
I browsed through a massive amount of work that I never even shared with anyone and ended up opening a page of hand drawn hearts. You remember his heart logo? I hand drew a lot of variations and worked with him according to what he wanted. This page had the next to last final designs. I had sent it to him and he sent it back with the hearts he liked circled on a paint program. Two days of feverish sketching and it was completed for the last layout you guys saw on his page... The one with the giant banner. Yeah, it was simple and it wasn't the heart shape I would have chosen because of the length but there was a ton of work put into it. One ended up faded into the wall of that large picture on top and the other one, I digitized for the contact table and the small banners that a bunch of you guys used. From there, I looked through my latest banners for him including the sepia toned one that a few people liked. I still had three super complicated ones with animation on the backboard that I had hoped to finish before all this happened. Those and about ten still banners I had on scratch pages.
Well, those led me to the album cover samples. The ones that he insisted on that I use kissing pictures even though I tried to explain that it wasn't what his fans would want to see. It turned out to be a stupid argument. Stupid now knowing that it wasn't even him. I took it as a challenge and worked with him... Asked him to send me any pictures he was thinking of using. He did and I put almost a week of work into them sleeping only about four hours all together because I knew that he was pushing to get the CD out. I put a lot of effort into each of the covers I made. Only about ten made it to several pairs of eyes including his. Maybe more, I don't remember now. It's funny because he was telling me that he really liked a lot of my designs but I found out recently from someone else that he "hated" my designs. From that I also remember that people were telling me that Scott thought I was a control freak, more specifically regarding the Flukiest page. He had complete access to it and I constantly asked him for input on design changes. I only worked on it so much because he could barely keep up with Myspace... Which I had eventually took over too because he had too much on his hands with school, his girlfriend, his friends, his sister and his baby.
The next thing was songs. I miss listening to them because I genuinely did love the songs. Unlike a lot of people that have told me that they didn't and only told him that for whatever reason. I listened to the "old" songs... The ones that belonged to Phillip. Those were easier to take now that I've been on his page about half the day everyday now.
I put the rest on shuffle and came across a song called "Not This Time". After we had this huge argument about him thinking that I was too critical of his music (I wasn't at this point), everything was settled and he sent me that song. It's a re-recorded song, I have the old version as well. He told me that he re-did it only for me. I had shared it with one person and told him about it... He got mad at me for having done that even though this person liked it the best of all his songs.
The next one was one that most of you didn't get a chance to hear... One that he said he recorded with me in mind. It pertained to a lot of my life experience secrets I had entrusted him with. Ugh, I thought he was real. You know that feeling when you need to cry but you force yourself not to? I forced it back so hard that my forehead and the inside of my nose started to sting with pain. I won that battle but the pain remained.
"Let Me Live" was the one that was supposed to release before "Back To Me". I was holding onto "Let Me Live" and constantly listening to it. I was so proud of him and his progression in his music with that song that it was the first one I brought to my DJ friends. With that and a few other songs in my PDA, I went around and started working on setting up shows for him. He was supposedly coming to the States this summer. I was going to drive him around on a small tour... I even bought some merchandise and shopped around for a ton of stuff including a reliable vehicle and sound equipment.
On and on, the songs played... And they are still playing. I'm full on crying again. But add to that the aching I have from my neck/back injury and the pain that the earlier songs caused. My entire head hurts horribly and I just want to throw up.
So, happy birthday to me... I get to work through all of this again. And before a certain two of you start assuming things or saying stupid crap to me again, no Scott wasn't someone that I was in love in or whatever. And again, this wasn't just some stupid Myspace shit to me. He was someone I considered family, as stupid as that sounds. You'd be just as hurt if someone you had thought of so highly had done this to you.
April 26, 2007 - My whole body hurts. Life sucks. The end.
April 24, 2007 - This age thing sucks. Someone stop time for me, please? I'll give you a cookie and a hug!
I wasn't really around yesterday because I strained yet another muscle. This time in my dream, I fell... As a result, I strained the muscle over my left rib cage in the back because it jolted me and I turned over in a weird position or something. Blah, I hate this. I can't take pain meds or anything so I have to suffer through it. I spent most of my time submerged in hot water to soothe the pain.
My first thought was that maybe I am injuring myself so easily because I'm nutrient deprived. But I'm not... My daily nutrients for the past three weeks have been from healthy grains, proteins and fruits/veggies with a majority of it being organic. Then I thought it was lack of exercise. But then, I've been doing a lot of stretching to limber up.
I guess it could be other things but I don't know. I so need a regular check-up. Why does it cost so friggin' much for health insurance??? Stupid American health care system!
I've got a lot of stuff to do today so I don't know if I'll be around. I might be way tired when I get home. I'll catch up with people though! Just comment me and I'll make extra effort to catch up with you. :)
April 22, 2007 - Ok, you know that pain you get when you pull something? That excruciating pain that makes you not want to move at all? Gawd, I have that in my neck right now. It took me three hours just to get up from bed because I couldn't lift my head up. I still can't. I had to roll to my side and stayed there until the pain subsided a little then roll over onto my stomach with my face down. Stayed in that position for like an hour because it hurt so bad. Then I had to slowly work my way up butt first. If there were video, I'm sure y'all would've had a great laugh but yeah, it took me a long time to get up...
The cause for it, a voilent dream. I don't know if anyone else gets these but I get them more often than I should. I've pulled leg and arm muscles many times from trying to escape something or falling in dreams. Today it was my neck. There was a lot of water in my dream which was a bit odd... I was at a water park then I went to the beach and there were water bottles everywhere including in the water. The tide pulled out and left behind a mess of bottles that everyone started claiming as theirs.
Anway, I was swimming around because I wanted to find my friend so he could teach me how to surf. The waves were puny so I swam pretty far out... All of a sudden, this two story wave starts heading in. Everyone is panicking and starts heading for the beach but there is a concrete wall. I decide to stay where I was so that I wouldn't slam into the wall with the wave and everything starts going slow motion. I had time to wait for the wave and take a huge breath before it... When it hit, I found myself very close to the wall. The wave receded and there was another huge mess of garbage and incredible amounts of bottled water.
I got really concerned all of a sudden and started yelling for people to help look in the water for anyone that may had hit the wall and become unconscious. Ok, this is the part that freaked me out. Everyone went deeper into the water including myself. We all stuck our heads into the water and the entire bed of ocean water was filled with dead bodies. I tripped over a body, hit the water lifted my right arm and turned my head to swim again. The pain woke me up.
I just felt a ripping sensation. So now when I move my head, not only my neck hurts, but the pain shoots up into my head and down into my back, shoulder and right arm. I pain is so aweful that I am nauseous. I swear, the timing of this couldn't come at a worse time. I have interviews.
Bleh, I'm going to soak in some epson salt and see if that helps...
April 21, 2007 - Wow, the song "Two Occasions" by Deele really brings me back. Finals had just ended and there was no better time to take a grand trip!
We only had the weekend because I had class and was involved in every on campus organization you could think of... One of my friends just didn't care. He was failing horribly but he was on a free ride. The other three guys were football players for a neighboring college and had practice to get back to.
My friend with the free ride had family in both San Diego and TJ. So that's where we decided to go... Nobody packed anything because we decided that we would go down, get some cheap liquor from TJ and come right back.
It was awesome! My very first trip out of the San Francisco Bay Area... We listened to about four different versions of "Two Occasions" the whole time. The only thing is being stuck in a tiny Toyota with FOUR big guys, lol. But they let me have a window seat so I was squished into the door rather than between two guys.
We got to San Diego and had the best authentic Columbian dinner ever and headed straight into TJ right from there. We got to TJ and hit up the bars, first thing. Wow, you'd think that guys that are four times my size would hold their liquor a little better. One of 'em started pissing on someones stoop. But you know those horrible stories about what happens in TJ? We witnessed first hand and had to take off. A swat team was sent down the street collecting everyone along the way... We ended up at my friends Uncles house along this rural dirt path and rested for two hours before heading back to the border.
The next morning was sweltering as it had been the day before but they left the air conditioning on so it was all good... We just got out of the Grapevine when the car starts smoking. Haha, the guy that owned it had it shipped all the way from Hawaii and didn't even know how to take care of it. We drove all that time without oil in the car!
*sigh* I miss my old friends. My friend with the free ride got in trouble with drugs and alcohol abuse but the rest of the guys went back to Hawaii and Samoa. I should write them...
April 21, 2007 - I'm really bored with my page. It lacks "Jackieness" as someone had put it, lol. I guess I'll make a new layout at some point. You know I haven't even looked at Photoshop ever since the whole Scott thing happened. My cursor magically steers clear of the little icon on my desktop. I still go on Phillip's page to listen to songs and it just has a hard time sinking in. Eh, I'm being dumb. I really wonder how someone could take a lie so far. The person behind Scott had to have known that the rest of us were being real. I keep thinking that it should have been enough for them to have come clean. I'm still so confused about it all...
The top question that the people who cared about him the most was, "Did he ever really care?" I was the first one to tell everyone that he did, that he had to have to put so much energy into it... But there are so many that are arguing against that and I just don't know. On the one hand, he did spend a lot of time talking to people and learning about them but on the other hand, maybe it was all part of whatever they were trying to pull off.
My thoughts... Scott did defend me with someone and has been there to talk to me. If you are a friend, that's what you normally do. On the other hand, after I told him that I thought of him as family, trusting him to read two of my private blog spots and putting every ounce of energy into helping him succeed at "his" music, he should have came clean if he had really cared. His argument was that he can't just tell someone that... Even after Phillip's wife and mom had exposed him, he insisted that they were his own pictures and it was all his music. Not only that, but he became angry at me for not "trusting" him. I did so I defended him, arguing with Phillip's mom. He found out that I was arguing with her and cussed at me for doing so and told me not to in the meanest way. I was a friend so I continued defending him and he once again became angry and cussed me out for not listening to him. It wasn't until I said that I was just going to report all of them (the Board family) to Myspace that he confessed. I want to believe that this person is telling me the truth now and he really did care but I can't be completely sure of that just yet.
He mentioned that I'm the only one now with a problem with what he did and that I'm starting fights but I'm not. He gets things messed up in his thought process resulting in being the one to start things. I don't know, I guess I could be wrong. Who knows...
April 21, 2007 - Ok, weird! I needed quarters today to do laundry. I used to check the year of every quarter every single time I got quarters but I hadn't in a while until today. So the first three I pulled out of my little change purse had a set of years that just freaked me out. The first was my birth year and the other two are birth years belonging to people I know ('88 & '84). The correlation between the three of us is what scares me. I get these signs all the time but I'm not sure if this is a bad or good thing. I wish I had the energy to investigate like I normally would. I'm keeping the quarters on my keyboard to remind me to keep an eye out for things to come.
April 20, 2007 - Given the chance to jump out of a plane without a parachute, trusting someone else that has one, I'd do it. But given the chance to have a "stable" job working in offices, I'll take off with my tail between my legs.
Office jobs scare me. "Stable job" scares me even more because in my mind, that means death. Okay, not death but it may as well be considering the fact that I despise boring jobs. Don't get me wrong, I put in 100+ percent into every job I work at but *shivers* office jobs aren't for me. My family wants me to get into an office job. I swear I will start falling asleep after my learning period. It happened at my last office job. I didn't get in trouble because I always got my work done but I'd find myself startled awake by a ringing phone by lunchtime. Ugh it sucks.
I know it's an income, but I don't want to get stuck at a job like that. As shy as I am, I'm still a people person. I like having people to talk to and I like being able to move around and not just sit in one spot all day. Did you know your butt get's flat from that? Random fact, sorry.
I regret not finishing college right away. I could have been a teacher or therapist. Blah! I hate myself for burning out so quickly.
So right now, my options are limited. I can work at a job I hate or a job where I can do more damage to my body. *sigh* Life sucks. I miss working with Jamba Juice. Sucks that it only took one person to sour my experience there. I did a lot for that company.
It'll be nice one day when I stop getting screwed over in every which way. Or not. Maybe the solution is to not have friends, don't talk to family and work a stable job that goes nowhere. Then I'll only be burdened with hating life, lol.
April 19, 2007 - Ew, I'm having adverse effects from something... My head is killing me and I don't have a good sense of balance. I'm not sure why my jaw is all cramped up too. Bleh. Okies, I'm going to go hurl, then hit the sack. May not be around today.
April 18, 2007 - Long, long day... Even though I was only out for maybe three or so hours.
A ton of stuff if just getting to me today. I'm not a fighter by nature and it bothers me when others are that way. You try and be calm and keep a cool head but the person you talk to is going off on you because they are cranky or whatever.
So many things to work on... I'm not going to give into it, I'll just let things go. It's not worth the headache when I need to focus on me right now. My physical health really took a toll and I need to heal badly. Everything else is shot too but one thing at a time...
My car took a hit last night just sitting in the driveway. But nothing a bolt won't fix. I'm gaining weight again. I'm down right getting fat. I look a bit pregnant. So, only two things working against me right now on top of everything else. Not as bad as it could be, I suppose...
April 17, 2007 - Tax season is over and what a day. It was blustery today... I just saw a duck slam into the huge pine tree outside my patio, which was a first. But it was that windy. Winds mean change...
I went to my car and had noticed that I forgot to take down all the "Scott Wadeson" stuff from my windows and pretty much all over my car. I pulled off all the stuff from my windows and about half of the decals and signs flew away with the wind. I had little logo fliers everywhere. I still have a bag full of the ones I made with Phillip's pictures that I was going to promote with on my next trip to the mall or something. There were large sheets of stickers also with his pictures that I was going to stick everywhere. I keep finding the little fliers in my purse and all around my computer. I'm not sure how many I had but I'm sure that I used up at least three color and two black ink cartridges to print it all out. Heh, I just barely had enough ink to print out my tax return. I'm not mad.
So I've encountered people that had the good ol' "I told you so!" to throw in my face. It sucks. I was working towards something I thought was real. Now I'm getting people that are telling me to skip trusting others altogether or that I need to stop the "all or nothing" attitude and helping people. My initial thought is that maybe they are right but the more I think about it, the more I come to the conclusion that they are wrong. You can't lose trust in everyone, that would make me some sort of hermit. And what's life without challenges? If you don't take a risk, you just end up staying where you are doing the same crap you hate. I wanted something better and at the same time, I was helping a friend reach a dream. I can't be wrong having done that. Without that attitude, I would have failed my friend and myself...
So winds mean change. No clue as to what will happen but I'm sure it'll be yet another interesting ride.
April 17, 2007 - Man, I'm so tired today. I'm heading out with the masses of procrastinators that are filing their tax returns today at the Post Office. Let's see if I can make it back alive!
I'm feeling a bit gassy.
April 17, 2007 - I'm done with my stupid tax returns. Wow, feels like I wasted a lot of my time on that but oh well. I probably did it wrong too but heh, not like they can take everything away from me or do a tax lien. I got nada, not even a job.
I wish I had money. I want to travel... There's still so many countries I've yet to see and I just haven't seen enough of this country either. *sigh* If I won the lotto, I'd set up my family first and would make sure they'll be ok for a good while... Then I'd use every last cent of the rest of it to do as much traveling as I can with a few select friends. I know I probably should do more good with the money but I'd make up for it. I can't travel and buy stuff for friends forever. I'd come back home and get back into work and do volunteering and giving where I can. You can't blame a person for wanting to live a little.
Right now I'm just stuck. Don't you hate that feeling? Anyway, my stomach hurts. I need to lay down for a tad... I just thought about all of this because I was reminded of my first trip to New York with only $30 on me and no place to stay. Good times...
April 16, 2007 - I sent him a phone. Not the best one but still... I told him I didn't pay for it but I did. I do that for good friends sometimes. I didn't mind at the time, he was practically family. I've given my sibling phones before too in the same way.
There's a big box of things I was suppose to ship him. It was all the Christmas gifts I had got for him and his family. I was pulling out a few things to look at. Those gifts were for my best bud. And now they are just here but still without a place. I guess they'll just serve as momento's.
I'm still working through the hurt. It's hard for me not to allow myself to be consumed with it.. I mean, I am someone that barely sleeps and I have a mind that never shuts up. Time is what I need. Too bad that's working against me too with the marking of yet another year of life.
K, that just made me more depressed. I was trying to work on my taxes. Bleh.
April 16, 2007 - Nine minutes into the week... Yep, sucks already. I think I want to sleep for a month but I can't afford that. Birthday in two weeks. I think I'm going to eat until I explode at the buffet. You gotta love Todai for the free birthday meal...
Thanks Jen, I know you read these blurbs as well as a few others... Thanks for the talk. It's funny huh? You talk to someone, you become really great friends and you think there's a trust like no other so you open yourself up to them and allow yourself to be completely honest no matter what but it's not enough for them to come clean. It took getting found out. We were the one's that were hurt and they have the nerve to get angry or be mean. Frustrating. You'd think there would be some sort of support system for this type of thing... I'll catch up with you soon.
April 15, 2007 - My head hurts bad. :(
April 14, 2007 - Behind on everything. Taxes are due tomorrow right? I owe the government money, I think. I can't even afford to get my taxes done. I think I'm screwed in just about every single way you can think of.
Lost friends, lost money, lost family and lost myself. I sound like a teenage drama queen but I'm far too old to be that.
Yeah, I'm sorta back. No smilies this time though... I've got a little more than I can handle for right now and it's REALLY getting to me. I needed to come back and share my stupid thoughts with friends and a few perverts that enjoy reading about me. I can't forget the person or persons harassing me... I'm sure they can use this against me somehow.
My stomach hurts horribly. I've got a few things going on right now, some I can share and some I can't. I'll go into it later. It's funny, I feel alone in this. But you know, it's not all about me. Everyone else has got their own problems too. I need to just deal.
Bleh, chest pains. I need to lay down or something. I'll be back to talk to everyone as usual later today or tomorrow. I'm just exhausted right now. Who would of thought that just opening your inbox could be such a bad thing...
And btw, I'm remaining public to prove a point. Apparently, there are many people that still think I'm a liar.
April 11, 2007 - K, everything hurts really bad now. I need time. I've disabled comments and mssgs so no need to try contacting me for the time being. I'll be back to talk to everyone again. I just need a breather.
April 11, 2007 - "You need to take a long walk off a short pier." "i DID think of you as a friend" Ok. I think I get it... I was a friend but now I'm not so I should go walking off into the ocean, right? K.
I was perfectly calm. I didn't say one thing mean to him tonight. But this is how it always ends now. Again, I'm going to try to be a good person even though he believes I'm something else. He said "You don't even know me." Well, he knew me and he should know when I'm trying to be sincere.
You have a wonderful way of showing you care. You said "i don't lie to my friends" but you said I was a friend. So how am I suppose to take that?
Honest. He said that he's been honest with me. How is it that he doesn't understand a person can't easily believe everything he says after being lied to so much. I believed him twice but was still lied to. I need to put my guard up for the third time because otherwise, I'd just be stupid.
Anyway, I'm sure you are going to read this. Seems like you are keeping a good tab on me. I'm sure you'll be angry at this too but there's really nothing else I can say. I tried hard but like you said, you don't care anymore.
I care, but then that's just me.
April 11, 2007 - Cry, cry, cry... That's all I know how to do these days. It's so friggin' stupid. I'm a stupid crybaby and a horrible person. That's all there is to me. Everyone should just stop talking to me. It'll be for your own good.
April 11, 2007 - It's unfair. When you think you are being a good person, you aren't. At least that's what I'm told. I feel like I constantly lose. Nothing I do is ever right and I'm always reminded of that. Gawd, it feels like I can't breathe. My body hurts so bad that it feels like my limbs are about to fall off. I really just hate life.
April 10, 2007 - Hurt, still. Nothing I can do about it but at least today wasn't as bad as yesterday. I watched some video's on YouTube and found some funny stuff. Today is slow, nobody is responding me. :(
April 9, 2007 - I just need to... STOP. I tell myself that I need to learn but I won't. I allow myself to get hurt. It's like... Instinct. I'm really not sure where to go from here.
April 8, 2007 - I hurt all over for some reason. Bleh. I stayed in bed staring at the wall. I don't think that really helped and I'm still feeling all kinds of cruddiness. Arggggghh!
April 7, 2007 - Blah, blah, blah! I really need to stop b*tching. :) April 7, 2007 - Ugh, personal heck extreme... I wanna throw up. So maybe I'm taking this harder than it seems I should but there's so much more to it than people even knew. I give up for today. I'm staying in bed. Heh, it's still early in the morning.
April 7, 2007 - I see Scott but he's not Scott. He's Phillip. I hate that when I'm trying to force myself to believe what's real, there's a big advertiser at the bottom that says "Scott". Okay, it actually says "Scott Weiland" and sometimes "Are You Gay?" but still... FUG! It's frustrating.
Now it's saying "Scott Cole" "Gay Quiz" and "Registered Sex Offenders" a bunch of times... Okay, I'll admit that at this point, I'm not even looking at the pics anymore. I'm just refreshing it to see what it says. But "Scott" still comes up a lot. :( It's a conspiracy. Blah!
Gah, it's going to be embarrassing if he reads these... I think? Eh, I'm used to feeling stupid for being so dumb all the time.
April 7, 2007 - I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed.
April 7, 2007 - I'm not sure how long it's been since I've had a normal nights of sleep. Normal for me is about 4 hours straight, maximum of 6 hours or else I feel like crap.
Doing the math... I think it's been at least 18 days. I sleep every two to three days in broken up naps. I'll sleep for 20 minutes to and hour at a time building up to between 1-2 hours. No, that's not normal but nothing else in my life is either. So what's it matter. Only this time, I'm not really working on things like I normally would...
There's no regular work,
constant checking for plays, watching fan activity, designing, upkeep on numbers or even talking to someone through the night... In between going out looking like sh*t searching for work, I log on here half the time and spend the other half in bed trying to sleep. An interesting day for me is when my family decides to come down on me or when someone online takes an opportunity to bash me.
Sure I get a few laughs here and there talking to my friends but everything else is just f*cked up.
I'm especially sick of myself right now. K, I'm done b*tching now. Here I am, Jackie Chan with the happy face. :)
April 7, 2007 - I'm a logical thinker, for the most part. I also like backing up my thoughts... I feel the need to get facts. But the more I find, the more I regret it. I'm feeling really sick again. I just can't believe myself sometimes... I do this to me. It happens over and over. I don't think I'll ever learn.
April 7, 2007 - Wow, an hour into the day and it's already going bad. Stuff is just getting to me again I guess. Feeling icky isn't helping whatsoever. Maybe I should nap again...
April 6, 2007 - My tummy hurts. :( Someone fix it?
April 6, 2007 - I dreamed during my nap. I had two kids... A one year old and a newborn. I was happy even though I had to juggle the both of them, one in a stroller and my newborn in a car seat... My dream broke up and in the second dream, I was outside a shopping mall struggling to change the position of my newborn. A woman that was sitting on the ground just to the side of my one year old in the stroller kicked the stroller away from me. I couldn't see where it had gone but it appeared again out of nowhere. I went to see if he was okay but he was wrapped up in newspapers. I quickly opened up the newspapers but nothing. He was there, I know it but now he wasn't. I cried myself awake.
April 5, 2007 - I need to rearrange my top friends but I can't. It's so stupid. Ugh, I hate myself for being like this.
April 5, 2007 - Bad, bad day. Hope tomorrow will be better. I wish this headache would go away too...
April 5, 2007 - Bleh. I need to stay in bed for a lil bit so I can heal. I feel like punching a concrete wall with my bare fist.
April 4, 2007 - I think I am looking a bit older today. Or maybe it's just a tired look? I'm not sure... I hate myself for crying again today. But I've got reason to... I'm losing a part of myself. I really don't want to but I lose again.
April 4, 2007 - Hmph. Today is going to be stressful. I'm always getting too ahead of myself... I don't think I want the news that I'll be getting.
April 4, 2007 - I feel like I lost a little part of me in all of this... I want to be the me that everyone knew but that's nearly impossible some days now and it just frustrates the crap out of me. If it's not one thing, it's always another. Lost in many senses...
April 3, 2007 - I can't battle the demons that I can't even see...
April 3, 2007 - You know what hurts... When your family tells you that anything you enjoy is stupid. That you should just give up your dreams and grow up. My argument is, I did grow up. I was forced to grow up before I even turned 8 years old... There are things I've been through that even they don't know of. If I give up my dreams, I may as well give up on life. It keeps getting worse. Guess I haven't hit bottom yet.
April 3, 2007 - I feel really fat today. I think maybe I'm bloated or something so whatever. I have an incredible headache but I'm not allowed meds. :( I think I should sleep but I can't. I just end up right back on the computer anyway so I figure staying here would exert less energy. Eh, lemme send this one thing go lay down. I hate being nauseous. But I'm happy that I found a purdy new song to listen to. :)
April 2, 2007 - I put less pointless babble today and worked on a new lil' section on my page. You should check out the causes that I support the most. They are in my "Hero" section. Save the children, save the animals and save our world! There's a few other causes I support but I think it's crowded enough for now.
April 2, 2007 - ARGGGGGHHHHHHH!
April 2, 2007 - :(
April 1, 2007 - So... I've been going to Phillip's page every single day. I just leave it open the whole time I'm on my main computer... I'm still having a hard time but I listen to his music and look at the images trying to force myself to think that he's in fact Phillip and not Scott. It all still registers as Scott in my mind for some reason.
I spent some time looking back at when Scott first found me. Just one month and eight days and I would have known him for an entire year...
April 1, 2007 - My head hurts so badly today... Still nauseous. And what the heck, I lost a good amount of weight but I'm still fat. Nothing likes working out for me... I tried applying for a bunch of jobs and nobody will hire me. My family has to pick up the slack. Power almost got cut off even. I need to change my e-mail address soon too because we're cutting off that service. Life sucks bad. It sucks that I don't have anyone to talk with late at night anymore either... Bleh
March 31, 2007 - Three empty spots on my top friends... All of them belonged to one friend. I should rearrange it but I don't want to. Heh. I only started this daily blurb thing because Scott had something similar to it on his original page. I thought it would be cool to have one for random daily junk.
March 31, 2007 - Hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts! It's like detoxing... Ugh. I want to throw up.
March 30, 2007 - One last one before I go. To all of you that thought this whole situation shouldn't have been such a big deal try standing in my shoes for a second. One moment you had a really good friend that you could have easily considered family and the next, you find out that it was all a lie. Not only that, but imagine if you had dedicated all your time and energy to this friend because you wanted to see them succeed, that in them succeeding, that you would have too. Those of you that want to call me stupid, fine. I'll accept that but THIS, the situation wasn't just some dumb Myspace thing. My friend was real to me... He was real to a lot of people. Think about that before you start spouting off at the mouth to me.
March 30, 2007 - It's weird. I'm sore all over... I just want to relax today. In order for me to do that, I need to stay off the computer. I think? Well, I need to try that today... I would say that y'all can reach me if you really need to but I'm so broke. I've got nothing left on my phone. I'm hungry and we're down to nothing at home. Blah. I'm fat anyway so I shouldn't complain.
March 29, 2007 - It's 11:30PM and I just noticed that yet another friend has been deleted from my page... Didn't think it would be today but it's not like I had control over it. Y'all can probably tell that I'm still not handling it well. Can't help it, I guess. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm going to miss the Scott I knew horribly... I thought so highly of him. Eh, I'm starting to hurt all over again.
March 29, 2007 - I'm nauseous. Just so everyone knows, I decided to not even check my inbox today. It's getting to be a little much with so many people that want to say something horrible to me or being creepy or weird. I'll try to get around to it soon.
So... I really need to get a job now and you can't even believe how horrid I looked earlier. The dark circles around my eyes are nothing compared to the raw skin on my face. Some of it is trying to heal and it's becoming dry and flaky. The skin around my mouth is especially gross and dark red. I think it's going to scar, lovely, right? So after 20 minutes of zoning in on my ugliness in a mirror, I decided to start making myself at least somewhat presentable.
I pulled out my stock pile of miracle beauty products that I've been collecting over the years and put them to work. I started with a hydration mask, twice. Then a purification mask... After that, my skin looked lighter. Then I buffed the dry flaky skin off and now my skin has a bit of a glow. Then I applied four different creams in different areas on my face that are supposed to tighten, lighten, brighten and reduce the look of pores and lines... I don't use these products normally, because as I'm sure that those of you that have met me know, I don't really age.
It's funny how you can so easily hide things, isn't it? I still have redness where the skin is raw but all the products I used, hid a lot of it. I need a few days for the swelling in my face to go down before I'm completely presentable... But even still, I think that I will have a bit of scaring.
That's just my life I guess... Everything always leaves it's mark.
March 29, 2007 - Exactly one month until my birthday... Ugh, I hate it. I want to turn back time and just be a six year old for life... With everything as it was then. No pain, no disease, no death. Just a happy child.
March 29, 2007 - So I got a little sleep but waking up was horrible. I have the worst nausea since. I think I got in about an hours worth of sleep all together. I'm very mentally alert for someone that hasn't slept much in... 6 days? I think that's it.. I'm only aware of the date because of my blurbs but I have no clue what day of the week it is...
So, my sleep was broken into little segments of about 15-20 minutes each. I dream. I'm the type that can slip into dream mode before I even completely fall asleep. I always dream, I need it...
My last dream was interesting. I was out of money, as I am now. But I needed to take a trip. One that was way across to the other side of the world to China. Everything was planned and somehow, the funds came about so that I could travel and I was at the airport. My brother was with me... But while we stood there, I found out that I was once again being deceived. The ticket, the cash, everything was being ripped away from me... My brother felt horrible. Somehow he was able to come up with enough money to buy a one way ticket over. But I would only have $100 cash on me and no place to stay. It didn't matter, I took the trip anyway. I vowed to pay him back by starting a business with trade goods from overseas. On the plane, I thought about how scared I was... Although Chinese was my first language, I've since lost a majority of it. I can sound fluent, but I'm not. And there was the fact that I knew nobody there and wouldn't have a place to stay. I decided to just rest and I did. I felt more rested than I had ever been just sitting there scooted down in my seat on the plane... I woke up then.
Maybe I need to leave this place and start over. That in doing so, I can fix everything. The past 6 months have been harder for me than anyone knows. Well, except for Scott. This is something that really put me over... I honestly don't know what to do with myself anymore and I don't think I will anytime soon.
March 28, 2007 - My family is getting angry with me. I won't be getting onto mssngr until late. I'm not allowed out of my room until I sleep a few hours because I guess I look like crap right now. Heh. My face is all dried up. Ugh... Add that to everything else. Anyway, I'll be around here. I still have my PDA.
March 28, 2007 - I think I'm angry now. I know I'm exhausted. This is stupid. Someone put me out of my misery, please? I hate life so fuggin' much.
March 27, 2007 - My stomach hurts really bad. I want to throw up. I hate feeling all weak... I wish there were a pill for all this. I don't even feel like picking up my head from the table anymore. I want to sit here and die.
March 27, 2007 - Everything was all my fault. I hate that and I'm so sorry to the many people that were involved. This wouldn't have got so big if it weren't for me...
March 26, 2007 - My head hurts. I walked in the rain today for hours. I think I may be sick. I hope so at least, then maybe it will knock me out. I'm not allowed to take medicine right now, otherwise I'd be downing bottle's of cold medicine. Eh, it really sucks to be me. Everything that can be wrong with me, is. Do I hate life or does it hate me? Someone please tell me...
March 26, 2007 - I feel like I'm not even me anymore. I'm so lost even though I probably know more than anyone about this situation. Walking all day and I'm on my PDA. Can't get on messenger until I'm home, sorry.
March 25, 2007 - I hurt in every way right now. Why is this so hard to deal with? They lied. I should be mad, right? Instead, I just hate life and everything that I am or was. I'm sorry Phillip, I will respond you eventually. It just still hurts horribly to see your picture.
March 25, 2007 - Why did this have to happen? I hate my life enough as is. Why must it be so cruel?
Crying this much makes you dehydrated. I forgot to eat and I haven't had anything to drink since this all started. My whole body is hurting so bad... I think more than anything, I just need sleep but I can't even have that.
March 25, 2007 - So I got a couple of hours sleep yesterday. But I'm still so exhausted. It's 7AM now... Today feels really strange to me for some reason.
March 24, 2007 - 11ish. Exhausted and still crying. My head really hurts. I was told that I shouldn't rely on others for closure. I'm trying so desperately but my head is still consumed with every why and how question you can think of. I'm not mad. I'm just really hurt. I believe that this person actually cared about everyone when it came down to it. Scott lied but as I am talking to everyone, I realized that he made a huge attempt to be a good friend. I'll get back to all of the messages soon, I'm in bed on my pda right now but I'll try to get up in a few hours.
March 24, 2007 - Blah. 4AM and still no sleep. And I've never had this happen before but has anyone ever cried so much that gunk starts gathering in your eyes? I know that sounds gross but it's making my vision blurry and little pieces come out when I wash out my eyes. They hurt really bad and are swollen beyond belief. What do I do?
March 24, 2007 - Okay. It's after midnight and I still can't sleep. Blah, it's day three! *sigh* I can't win at life.
March 23, 2007 - I've been played for a fool... I think I just want to crawl under a rock and die now.
March 22, 2007 - I'm so lost. Not sure what to do with myself anymore... Today was bad to say the least. I might be going away again for a while to sort some things out... Sorry everyone.
March 21, 2007 - I'm annoyed. There's nobody around to talk to.
March 19, 2007 - Okies everyone... I might be staying offline for a little bit soon. I need to get my head straight and find a friggin' job already, lol! I'll be back soon... You know me! Have a good one, y'all!
March 18, 2007 - I don't feel good. Ever feel like everything you do is just wrong? I am such a waste. I should just give up.
March 17, 2007 - So I love being tanned. I've been working at my computer a lot and it sits me next to the patio where the sun hits at the beginning of the day. My whole right side is about 7 shades darker than the rest of me, haha! It's lovely. Seriously though, I love the golden color my legs get. Who wants to go to the beach with me? I wanna even out this tan, lol!
March 16, 2007 - Somebody needs to yank the metaphorical reins on my creative juices... I'm going nuts with ideas and it's driving me crazy because I can't write them down fast enough. All for you JERK! You so still owe me $50,000, lmao!
March 16, 2007 - So excited for Nobby... See, I knew it would happen. I'm so extremely happy for you, you don't even understand! It won't be long now. Always believed in you and I always will! :)
March 14, 2007 - I swear nothing likes to work out for me... Ran into some problems. Will be away for a lil' bit. Catch y'all later.
March 2, 2007 - Ok, I am having problems keeping up because of my horrible sleeping disorder/pattern and some other stuff I'm keeping on top of. I'll get back to mssgs and comments as soon as I can. I just feel a bit overwhelmed having to keep up with my Myspace too. Sorry everyone!
Feb. 28, 2007 - Weeee! No sleep! K, I need to pass out now. Been working hard on stuff and now everything is starting to hurt and I think I'm going to throw up. Bye!
Feb. 27, 2007 - I wonder how long before I pass out... I'm gonna try for four days straight. So don't expect me to be around to chat or if we do, understand that I might not be myself! :)
Feb. 26, 2007 - Hehe, still no sleep and goin' strong!
Feb. 25, 2007 - Don't do HTML and Photoshop when you are sleep deprived. It just gives you a serious headache. I'll get the rest of that layout up when I wake up tonight or whatever...
Feb. 17, 2007 - My body is wreaking havoc on me. I feel like I'm dying... Those of you that needed me to do something for you, I'll get back to you maybe tomorrow... Sorry, I really don't feel good.
Feb. 15, 2007 - Ugh, I've been hard at work with stuff. And nope, still no job yet. Just so much personal stuff. Just discovered that someone hacked one of my accounts. How nice of them...
Jan. 30, 2007 - Going away. Won't be loggin on for a lil while. I'll get back to everyone.
Jan. 24, 2007 - I need to go out and find a job again! I might not be on as much in the next few days. But I shall get back to everyone as soon as I can! :)
Jan. 23, 2007 - Okies... I'm feeling bleh today. I am so extremely sensative to noises. It's bad when even the noise from typing is getting to me. I think I'll sleep some more...
Jan. 22, 2007 - Sorry everyone, I'll get back to you soon! Today, I have a massive headache and my ears are ringing so loudly. I'm just staying in bed! Talk soon!
Jan. 21, 2007 - Going to take another day or two away from on-lineness. I'll get back to everyone soon :) Hope you all have a great day!
Jan. 20, 2007 - Eh, still not feeling so great. I have to go to the doc today to see if I did any damage. I seriously think I broke my head! *burp* I'm hungry.
Jan. 19, 2007 - =( My head is burning with pain. I just wanna cry... Gonna go MIA for at least a day cuz it's so bad that it's making me sick. My minutes expired yesterday on my current number. I'll check in from my pda. Sorry guys!
Jan. 18, 2007 - Massive headache! I like my new layout. I had this other layout that I spent a week on but I threw it out. Came up with this one yesterday. I'm tired. I think I'll sleep in a bit
