Lips of an Angel

The following excerpt is from 2005 (2.5 years ago).
Some struggles then and now are still largely the same. There's so much more to say but I am not in the mood to become breathless. Ironically, I've always warmed to a writer's pledge, that to write is to breathe. let it abate it for now and later I'll talk about my "now":
s 2 m O D e: u doubting your deliciously evil capabilities?
SAYURI PEACH: sammie..we are weak creatures. im strong b/c im weak, weak b/c im strong. thats my secret and thats what most ignorant fools dont grasp.
s 2 m O D e: u get your strenght from fear of what youre weak in
Auto response from SAYURI PEACH : anonymous you always come out on top... how can you be scared? i dont want to be on top anymore. i never actually was.
s 2 m O D e: huge huge psychological philosophy
The secret of my strength lies in my weakness. which of course is a huge cop-out. sure, in our relativity-based society, you could stoop to the claims of different levels of strengths.and i'll stoop momentarily, not so much to validate these relative strengths (there is none valid but the one kind that exists) as to highlight the error of such thinking that does exist. true strength, in my opinion, is that which requires no manipulation or exploitation of fears of flaws. true strength is not excessive force...its essence does not lie in excess. Excess, even of strength in face-value form, is a sign of weakness because excess serves to cover up a deficit. Excess is deficit. Take me, for instance. Hot thundering blood courses just underneath this icy mien. I'm really right here. I'm writing to myself...coaxing myself to puncture an opening thru which I could escape. Although, technically, this is the opposite of escaping since this right now in all my firearm-brandishing and menacing "glory," is my escape. and I pretend its strength.
"Strength" shouldnt hurt like this. strength should not harden me to other virtues, like compassion, etc. strength should not weaken me. a strength that lies in weakness will not prevail. its fool's gold. its a borrowed loan, and the interest is what really gets you. impenetrability to heartbreak and all other profound crap, at the expense of the light in one's soul, the strength in his stride . such "strength" can only go so far before it turns on you
I've been choking in warm blood. It wont go away ... and I've asked time and again how the soul can seem to hurt over such petty and unprofound things. How have I simultaneously grown stronger outside and weaker inside, with time? how do you live with two juxtaposed yet polar-opposite elements? how do you keep the friction from growing? You cant.
i guess u cud say theres a sort of cowardly strength in enduring the above..b/c most ppl dont have the self-discipline / will power to cope so well with the above unnatural conditions. and maybe thats why you see these people as stronger than those who are both weak and show they are weak. it takes a certain "strength", or energy rather, to hide, masquerade, and do psycho-jouncings around your issues. to say..no, i dont care when you do. to stay back when every fiber of your being is itching to run towards him or her. it really does.
"listen to your heart." i cant survive my heart. but you know what i realized? i've been listening all along.
I'm done. I'm walking away from a strength that saps my other strengths. As I trek to new lands where brittle cold begins to fade, I will cast article after article of clothing aside. I will strip myself down to my bare skin and I will bask in my newfound nudity, let the sunlight and its warmth dapple upon my skin even as I wince...I will force myself to feel, in full, how this nurturing warmth crawls gently along my skin-- so tender and complacent. I will learn how I can still be strong even when this climate seems to envelope me. there are many times we will need howling winds and chapped, gnarled limbs. but not always. there are times when we need to learn to be weak again ...to flourish in conditions we fear compromise our strength..to face and live among what we think makes us weak and ...in the rebuilding of our strength discover that our true weakness was our secret fear of being greater.it probably wont be you, now, or here. and that scares me too. but I'm doing this for me.