Check out the metal CDs I have for sale at Amazon.comClick here to see 'My Top 10 Albums of 2007'I revel in the bizarre, abstract, random, and absurd. I try to find humor in everything. Despite what many of my colleagues and peers will tell you, life is a pretty positive thing.
Here is a video taken 4/26/08 of my new band HIPPO ATTACK! I am the vocalist.......
click to add my band Hippo Attack!1349, Abigor, Abscess, A.C., Accept, Accidental Suicide, Acheron, After Death, Afterlife, Agalloch, Agua De Annique, Amoebic Dysentery, Amorphis, Amputated, Anal Blast, Annihilator, Anthrax, Arcturus, Astarte, Atheist, Atrophy, Autopsy, Beatallica, Belphegor, The Bible Thumpers, Birdflesh, Bjork, Black Sabbath, Blacksmoke Theory, Bloodbath, Blood Ritual, Blut Aus Nord, Body Count, Brutality, Brutal Truth, Bulldozer, Burzum, Cacophony, Cancer, Candlemass, Cannibal Corpse, Carcass, Carnival In Coal, Carpathian Forest, Cephalic Carnage, Chemical Zoo, Circle Of Tyrants, Contorted, Control Denied, Corrosion Of Conformity, Craft, Crimson Moonlight, Crotchduster, Cynic, Dangerous Toys, Darkthrone, Dead Can Dance, Deaden, Death, Death Breath, Deathspell Omega, Deceased, Decepcion, Deicide, Dekapitator, Diabolic, Diabolical Masquerade, Dimmu Borgir, Dio, Disgorge, Disharmonic Orchestra, Dismember, Disrupt, Dissection, Dokken, Domine, Dream Theater, DRI, Earth, Eazy-E, Edge Of Sanity, Edguy, Emperor, End, End Unseen, Engorged, Enigma, Enthroned, Esham, Evile, Exit 13, Exitium, Extreme, Faith No More, Faxed Head, Fear Factory, Flat Earth Society, Fleshgrind, F.K.U., Fog, Fornicator, Funeral Rape, Furze, Gallhammer, Gamma Ray, Gardy-Loo, The Gathering, Geto Boys, Ghoul, God Dethroned, Golden Dawn, Gorefest, Grand Belial's Key, Grave, Great Kat, Hacavitz, Haemorrhage, Hagalaz' Runedance, Hammerfall, Helloween, Holocaust, Horna, Hypocrisy, I, Iced Earth, Ice Cube, Immortal, Impaled, Impaled Nazarene, Incantation, Iron Fire, Iron Maiden, Jarboe, Judas Iscariot, Judas Priest, Kamelot, Kansas, Karaboudjan, Katatonia, Keep Of Kalessin, King Diamond, Krieg, Krohm, Leaves' Eyes, Leng Tch'e, Life Of Agony, Limbonic Art, Liquid Tension Experiment, Lividity, Lost Horizon, Lycia, Macabre, Madder Mortem, Mangled, Manowar, Massemord, Matriarch, Mayhem, Meat Shits, Megadeth, Mega Smegma, Melechech, Mercyful Fate, Metallica, Mindrot, M.O.D., Moonsorrow, Morbid Angel, Morgoth, Mortal Decay, Mortiis, Mr. Bungle, Municipal Waste, Nachtmystium, Naglfar, Nailshitter, Nasty Disaster, Necrosis, Negura Bunget, Nephasth, Neurosis, Nokturnal Mortum, Nuclear Assault, Mojo Nixon, Nocturnus, N.W.A., Obituary, Odes Of Ecstasy, OLD, Opeth, Overkill, Painmuseum, Pantheon I, Paradise Lost, Paradox, Paths Of Possession, Mike Patton, Peccatum, Pestilence, Pink Anvil, Pink Floyd, Porcupine Tree, Praxis, Premonition, Public Enemy, Punky Brusster, Putrid Pile, Pyramaze, Queensryche, Ratt, Raven, Righteous Pigs, Run DMC, Samael, Satyricon, Savatage, Sepultura, Shimera, Sikfuk, Skinless, S.O.D., Spazztic Blurr, Spinal Tap, Spudmonsters, Star Of Ash, Strapping Young Lad, Suicidal Tendencies, Summoning, Sun City Girls, Sunn O))), Tankard, Testament, Therion, Thy Majestie, Tiamat, Too Short, Devin Townsend, Trivium, Ultra Vomit, Ulver, Unexpect, Unleashed, Vaginal Discharge, Venom, Vintersorg, Viral Load, Vital Remains, Vreid, Waco Jesus, Jeff Walker, War, WASP, Watain, Whore, Hank Williams III, Windir, Xasthur, Xentrix, Zappa, Zimmers Hole, Zuckuss, Zyklon, etc.Lots of death metal, black metal, thrash metal, ambient, experimental, avant-garde, classical, etc. I do NOT do Pantera, Slayer, Danzig, Ozzy, or BLS.
FUCK TELEVISION! Let's discuss something of utmost importance...The Definitive List Of Acceptable Lyrical Themes Fo’ Metal BandsSo what have we learned this past near week, people? From the mouth of babes (the very young zygotic kind, not the hot female kind), we have learned that you can't mix politics and metal.Why? Well, from all accounts of the wise and learned Johan, using politics in music is a way of trying to sway people to your beliefs. Given that, religion (up to and including Satanism, sorry black metal, but apparently some changes are in order...) is also stricken from the 'acceptable lyrical themes' list. After all, we have learned that all of a sudden after nearly 40 years, metal needs to 'grow up' and have structure and rules. Luckily for you all, I took it upon myself to compile a list of acceptable themes. It was an arduous task that involved me missing another Tampa Bay Lightning 5-1 defeat, but... I had to make that small sacrifice for the betterment of metalkind (alloys excluded).Acceptable Metal Lyrical Themes (All songs MUST now conform to one of the themes on this list....even the instrumentals...)1)Mental Neurosis - From the earlier times of "Institutionalized" and "Sanitarium" to the more contemporary "Oops... I Did It Again", this old standby has always been there for metal lyricists to run with. (Check Quantum Chaos' "Asylum Cries" for the greatest example of this in music history). There are many substrata of mental health defects to work with, so this theme canlast forever...2)Zombies - Zombies can be included in any metal conversation. They've been there since the beginning and even withstood a near hostage situation when they, as a theme, were 'borrowed' by a crappy band like The Cranberries.3)Violent Hippopotamus Attacks - It doesn't matter on which side of the fence you stand on this issue, it is undeniably metal. What could be more brutal?4)Dragons and Knights - Sorry Manowar, but 'Kings' are no longer used because of the political ramifications, but dragons, knights, glory, wind, and steel are still allowable themes.5)Pancreatic Lymphoma - This just sounds metal. Thus, it stays.6)Forests, Fairies, and Trolls - Hey, even Aesop knew about the metal potential when he compiled stories of these ages ago. Sorry though, Giant Beanstalks are NOT metal.7)Kalamazoo, Michigan - Mainly for it's potential to rhyme with really morbid words, made up or not.8)Stereotypes - (But limited only to Sony, Aiwa, and Pioneer)9)OPP & Hammertime - Sorry hip hop, but themes this profound can't just be limited to you guys. We metalheads need our share of this.10)Fi-yaaaa!!!! - Nearly every great metal song already has a refernce to fi-yaaaa in some capacity. I think we should keep it that way.So, that is the list. Remember bands....ABSOLUTELY NO DEVIATION!!!!
This week on Metal Chat: 'King Hippo' of Hippo AttackMetal Chat banner by Wicked Rat(backstage...) "Hey Mr. Manager, sorry I'm late - I lost my keys to the Metal Chat promotional van...then I went outside and didn't see the Metal Chat promotional van in the driveway, and I had to file a 'stolen vehicle report' with the local police. Then I got home and realized that we don't even have a Metal Chat promotional van! Whoops, my bad. So, who's on the roster for today?""It's a wonder you even remember how to wake up in the mornings...today you actually get to interview one of the 'rising star' type bands instead of an established household name in rock or metal...just like we talked about. Remember, we were going to expand the show into that realm?""Oh yeah, cool, cool. So, who have we got today?""Well, you remember your old pal 'Death Metal Shawn' you interviewed on your very first episode of Metal Chat last year? Well he's going to set a new world record by being the only person to actually do your show more than once. There's just one catch, though...""Oh cool, I'll get to try out my new 'Patented 20 Questions' I made for just such interviews. Catch, you say? What's the deal, Neal?""His new band is 'Hippo Attack', and he has currently reincarnated himself as 'King Hippo'. If you address him in any other manner, I suspect he shall react poorly, or may not even respond to you at all. Try and keep that in mind, and your show just might not end in a spectacular yet dismal failure for once...""Hey, you ever consider writing inspirational posters? Okay, looks like I'm on in 45 seconds, I'd better get out there!""...perhaps you might want to drive the 'promotional van' onto the set...idiot...""Greetings programs, welcome to another metalriffic episode of Metal Chat!! Today we're going to interview a lesser known band in an effort to promote the little guy for a change. I promised you Metal Chat would be bigger and better, and this is one of the ways in which we will be just that, as well as giving back to the metal community. And just what does the metal community give to US, you ask?...umm...I don't know. So, without any further aDio, please give a warm Metal Chat welcome to Floridas very own, Dea-...King Hippo!!!"( King Hippo enters the set, gives a royal wave to the audience and flops down on the couch)"Sha-...I mean..King Hippo, we've been hearing some great things about your new band 'Hippo Attack', some of which have not even come from you. We're looking forward to hearing from you but first of all, I just wanted to say thanks for coming all this way to do the show again.""No problem, Carl, it's only about 3500 potamiles as the hippo flies, so it really wasn't that insidious of a commute.""Ummm...cool. Alright, uh, let's get this party started! I've got 20 very unique questions I've concocted for interviewing rising forces in metal, and this will be my inaugural attempt to foist them on someone so let's see how you respond. But personally, I have the greatest confidence in you because you're quite a charcter yourself, so I know you'll do fine. Ready?""Roger dodger, all systems go. Fire in the hole, and don't spare the spare-ribs. WIILLLLMMAAA!!!"....uh...okay. First question: Would you describe your bands sound as "jug-jug jugga jug...jugJUGGAjug", or "re-reeGrrreeeoooaarrrr-gggrgrgrgrg"?...""We are definitely more of the former sound. We are procrastinators by nature. Like alligators and Lawrence Taylor, but slow, instead. ""....got it. Okay, next question: Please enlighten us as to the origin of your bands name.""One day I was walkin' home from Washington state and BAM! I was splattered across the grill of a semi. Then it hit me. In my state of minor disorientation, I was crowned by a hippopotamus, and swore by the HippoCratic Oath to slow the world down. ""Heh heh heh...'HippoCratic Oath'...I like it. By the way, how WAS the peach microdot? Okay, next question: Would you say that your metal-shakes bring all the girls to the yard?""I say that our collective trample brings the girls to their knees. ""I imagine it would, at that. Okay, next: If you put on a show and people didn't come, how would you stop them?""I wouldn't. I'd enjoy another band rehearsal. also, that is the show at which I'd urinate into the crowd.""Note to self: take Gallagher gear to the Hippo Attack concert. Okay, next question: My producer says I am a talentless hack who has no business conducting a show of any sort. Agree or disagree?""I know your producer personally, and trust me, if Steve says it, you can take it to the bank. Of course Steve's field of expertise is studying the mating habits of mice. You sir are no mouse porn star, so then why does he even stick around?""....umm...just a moment, I think I feel an aneurysm coming on...did I just slam a Slushee and not remember doing so? Okay, shake it off! Next question: Can I join your band? I can play the harpischord...sort of.""Your inner hippo has not been released yet. However, the world may find use in a Viking Hippo. Can you trample?""Ummm...I don't know... I never tried...okay, uh...next question: Take advantage of this rare moment of clarity I am having, and tell us about your newest album.""Oh, you clearly mean "Trampling Is My Business...And Business Is Going OK...At Best...So What?" It is basically songs talking about how horrible and useless bands like Pantera, Slayer, BLS, and Pearl Jam are. Did you hear George Michael was touring again?? Man...to get on THAt tour...""I...but...you...man, I don't know whether to give you props on the Megadeth spoof, ask you to extrapolate on the common-metal comment, or use a defibrillator on myself until the image of George Michael is evicted from my brain..which is currently spinning in figure-8's, thank you very much. Okay, moving right along to the next question, then: Does your band have any songs about feeding your neighbors annoying Chihuahua to the sharks? If not, will you consider writing one?""No, but we do have a song about feeding our neighbors to their chihuahuas while attending a San Jose Sharks game.""Ha! Not what I was looking for but very amusing and promising, nonetheless! Okay, next: Does this spiked codpiece make me look fat?""Everything aside from a stomach amputation makes you lok fat. Carl, lay off the cheeseburgers and mix in some rhino.""Sheesh...everyones a critic...I'm not fat, I've just got more to love.... Rhinoburgers, hmm? Sounds tasty...especially with cheese. Alrighty then, I'll just move along to my next fat question: If HP Lovecrafts Cthulhu took an evil wheelbarrow full of LSD, do you think he would drive people sane?""Well, that has actually inspired me to do something no one has EVER done on your blog/show before. Say the word 'fuck'. I know it's a family show. But hey, it is my duty to break the rules."*gasp* " Think of the children!! Oh wait, kids don't like my show....okay, enough of the existential horror, let's move on to a very important side note: Do you have any songs about that, and where do you suppose we could buy evil wheelbarrows?""'THAT Immortal Shiny Sword Of Satan' comes to mind, as does 'It Was THAT Which She Beheaded The Pope With'. As far as the wheelbarrows. Wheelbarrow City rules.""Hmmm...I expect a demo of the aforementioned songs on my desk by this time next week. In the meantime, I'll scratch Home Depot off the list. Next question: If the end of the world started during one of your shows, would you keep on playing, like the band on the Titanic?""Damn straight. That is a goal. I worship the concept of oblivion. I will turn up even louder when the meteors start to hit the planet. In fact, I am scheduling an all-day show on December 21, 2012 expressly for that purpose.""Awesome philosophy. Looks like I may have to change my doomsday plans...again. Instead of sitting on top of a Mayan ziggurat with a 6-pack of Corona, I guess I'll be in Florida at a Hippo Attack show. Okay, next question: How much metal would a metalchuck chuck if a metalchuck could chuck metal?""Ask my drummer. He loves to chuck. He'll chuck anything and everything. He also thinks we are the best Bolt Thrower cover band ever. I don't see the resemblance. That said, our bassists are quite similar.""...uhh...that was probably the weirdest segue I've ever heard, and what's even weirder, I'm going to have to give it a free pass because it incorporated one of my all-time favorite death metal bands. Say, you never mentioned you had Jo Bench playing in Hippo Attack...very interesting. Okay, moving right along to our next question: What's that over there?""That is the essence of chaos and you better get it before the clock strikes 8:17. Carl, it's time for you to grab the narwhal by the horn and lay down your soul to the god Taco Bell. The quaaludes make the ride into the woodchipper more bearable. ""...I...umm...uhh...what? I don't...uhh...hang on, my brain can't even work right enough to read my next question off the cue card...okay. Wow. Alright, here goes: Would you say that your band strives to : a) identify with a specific genre and be the best within said genre. b) break out of traditional genres and create its own individual and distinctive genre c) inflict multiple hatchet wounds on people who overuse the word "genre""We strive to trample. We strive to slow the world down to a more bearable pace. Everything happens too fast in life. No reason we can't all sleep in until Thursday, right? Slow it all down. ""....'kay...that wasn't at all what I anticipated...umm...okay, next ones an easy one: Which is better: Slayers latest album, or a triple decker peanut butter & jelly sandwich?""The only redeeming quality that Slayer possesses is that they've laid out the template for how a metal band should not sound. Well, unless your target audience is a bunch of rednecks who like something more for the style than the substance. Go listen to Crucifier, Xentrix, Evile, Nuclear Assault, Overkill, or M.O.D. if you wanna thrash right. ""Well...although you really didn't answer the question...I can't argue with your choice of band models, or your disdain for a band that's gone from greatness to cruising on autopilot. Okey dokey, artichokey, next question: What is my problem?""I think you have yet to understand the concept that fried chicken frees a man's spirit and grants him a sense of being able to trample all. Yes, even those. Snowmobiles in Cancun are also great fun. I once ran into a frog on one of those things. He gave me the bird.""uhh...I like fried chicken as much as the next guy...just not with as much peyote seasoning, apparently. Wow..okay, next: Give us one sentence from your manifesto.""If at twelveth you don't succeed, hibernate for awhile. ""Ha! Nice. I'll do myself a favor and not look too deeply into that. Okay, here's another one for you: This is not a question.""I have found that if I place my hands just right on the tractor, I can avoid the blade entirely. Satan is probably reading this thinking 'man I need to recruit that Carl', but Xenu will put up a huge fight before he gives up your soul. Tornadoes are itchy.""...can anyone give King Hippo a ride after the show? I don't want him driving. Okay Sha-..I mean, King Hippo...I've got one last question for you: Using only members of AC/DC, please describe your fantasy rock band.""Udo Dirkscheider - fiddle, Angus Beef - glockenspiel, Brian Johnson - washboard, Rob Halford - woodchipper operator, Phil Rudd - soprano, Gordie Howe - slap shot, Magnus Ver Magnuson - piano, Malcolm Young - scratching records, Mojo Nixon - triangle, Condi Rice - blues vocalist, Cliff Williams - drums, Clyde Drexler - other drums, Bon Scott - Woodchipper Food.""...uhhh... okay, I was kidding but apparently AC/DC had a lot more backup musicians than I was previously aware of. Okay Death Metal Shawn, what we're all wondering is what kind of mushr-...hey, where are you going??""Sorry Carl, King Hippo's the name, and I must be off!! I have much trampling to do 'ere the night is through, and the moon waxes even as we speak. Hi ho, hippo, AWAYYY!!!"(King Hippo rampages off the set and down the hall...)".....uhhh...King Hippo, everybody. Cool...I think...um...I don't even know how to close out.""Looks like even YOU can be outweirded. Look on the bright side, at least nothing went wrong this time...""Hey, yeah, you're right!! My questions might not have gotten the responses I had envisioned, but we made it through an entire show without things going to Hades in a handbasket! Alright everybody, hope you had a great time, and be sure to join us next week when we interview a legend of death metal, right here on Metal Chat!! Until then, drive safe, and keep it METAAALLLL!!!"Metal Chat is a Viking Studios production All rights reserved. No portion of this show may be reproduced without the ability to copy & paste.